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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you if this would make you feel uncomfortable

53 replies

TheStrawberryQueen · 30/09/2014 21:14

and if you'd be okay with it and be able to laugh it off.

Just imagine you have a male work colleague who seems nice enough however he has a habit of making comments towards you and other female collegues. He makes jokes about how you must fancy him on a regular basis and can be quite pushy in his approach when he makes these jokes. He has also jokingly asked you for a kiss or a hug on numerous occasions and will sometimes grab or squeeze your arm.

Again he only does this to females, never other males.

Would this bother you? Or would you find it funny and just brush it aside as a bit of fun, teasing, etc?

What if you knew it was bothering someone else? Would you speak up for them?

OP posts:
FreudiansSlipper · 30/09/2014 22:06

oh your poor niece

I was about to type imagine he does this to a young women and she is less confident in dealing with a situation like this

its sexual harassment companies have a duty to their employees to protect them from this and deal with employees that sexual harass others if he loses his job then that is his problem he should not be doing what he has done and deserves to loose his job

I feel for her I can imagine she is really struggling with what to do for the best but she has done nothing wrong

frumpet · 30/09/2014 22:07

I am massively non tactile when it comes to people that i haven't given birth to or i am not considering having sex with ( unless they are in my work situation and in need of therapeutic touch ). I would have to say something to this person and very soon , as in the next time i saw them , although i imagine they would get the message from the involuntary shudder and static shock .

liketohelp · 30/09/2014 22:15

It is sexual harassment & it is against the law.

You should tell him to stop ONCE, and if he does it again after that, you can tell your manager/HR that he is sexually harassing you, & ask them to deal with him. Your workplace should have a policy on this.

I would write down all the incidents & hand that in to manager/HR. Anyone else he is doing it to should do the same.

wanttosqueezeyou · 30/09/2014 22:29

So her Mum does know its wrong and he could quite rightly lose his job if he persists? Yet, she's told her daughter to get a sense of humour? WTAF? That just doesn't make sense.

whois · 30/09/2014 22:31

It would really bother me, and I would talk to my manager.

Your sister has not got a v good attitude!

Anniegetyourgun · 30/09/2014 22:31

I sincerely hope if her mum ever gets her handbag snatched she doesn't report it to the police. That poor thief could get in trouble don't ya know!

scallopsrgreat · 30/09/2014 22:42

This is a man who doesn't respect boundaries. Grabbing her arm, the comments, the attempts to get her to kiss him are all overstepping boundaries.

Get her to note times, dates, what's said before going to HR and if she can get any support from colleagues, so much the better (but not essential).

She won't be getting him sacked. He's doing that all by himself with his unacceptable behaviour.

Hope she's OK. It's a shit thing to happen to her.

Original poster
TheStrawberryQueen · 01/10/2014 10:18

want this is where dsis drives me crazy sometimes. She says this man has a family to support so it would be unfair to report him and get him sacked over something so "small" and "petty" Hmm. She has been guilt tripping niece into not reporting him and she's starting to go with that Sad.

However I will show her this thread so she knows that it's not on and that she should report it.

OP posts:
seasavage · 01/10/2014 10:28

It sounds horrible, telling him to respect her boundaries / expecting him to behave as a professional adult is NOT going to get him dismissed. If HE continues to behave (massively) inappropriately towards her after this (or even makes a thing of it) then HE will be bringin on himself any action the employer takes.
Best wishes.

RiverTam · 01/10/2014 10:36

well, you tell your sister that if he has a family to support he should learn not to behave inappropriately at work and risk his job. If he loses his job because of his behaviour that is his fault, and his alone.

Your niece should report him. He is behaving inappropriately and in a way designed to intimidate and control. How horrible for her, and how horrible her own mother won't support her.

I hope you do show her mother this thread, she should be bloody ashamed of herself.

MrsPiggie · 01/10/2014 10:41

Oh god, I feel for young women going through this for the first time in the workplace. She has to react though, she is in the right here.

pudcat · 01/10/2014 10:44

Isn't this what happened in the 70's and no-one reported it for fear of being kill joys and repercussions. Now the chickens are coming home to roost as notable people have found out.Yes your niece must report it. The longer she leaves the more he will carry on and the more intense he will become. He may jokingly ask for a kiss now but what if he becomes insistent in a corridor with no-one else around. Shudders

ithoughtofitfirst · 01/10/2014 10:49

He sounds like he's in his comfort zone doing it and getting away with it.

I don't get this inappropriate behaviour thing. I just assume that anyone who isn't my husband won't want me to touch them. Ever.

DoubtfireDear · 01/10/2014 10:50

It's sleazy behaviour and he should be called on it. If it was me, I'd be brave enough to say something to his face, loudly, so that other people could hear, every time he did it.

I undesrtand it's not that easy for some people though, your niece and her friend need to report it, or speak to someone else at work they are friendly with who will speak up for them. Maybe they're not the only ones its happening to. If he ends up losing his job, it wont be because of your niece reporting it, it will be because he is a sleaze that can't keep his hands to hinself.

TrisisFour · 01/10/2014 10:58

Irrespective of what other people think. If it is making your DNiece or anyone else uncomfortable, it needs to be reported.

I used to be very flirty at work and the guys were the same (we were all young and single so not causing anyone any harm), but not at any point did I make anyone feel uncomfortable and vice versa. There was one guy however who I would class as 'sleazy'. He worked in a different part of the office to me and made a very inappropriate and quite unpleasant comment one day when I was showing a visitor around Shock.

He wasn't one of the guys that I had usual daily banter with and I had no hesitation in reporting him - I worked in HR at the time aswell!

He was given a written warning. Tell your DNiece to report!!

Rusticated · 01/10/2014 11:00

I'm more shocked by the women advising your niece to downplay the fact that she is being sexually harassed in the workplace. No woman should be told that 'having a sense of humour' involves permitting illegal, unprofessional behaviour that specifically encroaches on her personal boundaries, and it blows my mind that other women are telling this in 2014.

The fact that he has a family to support is completely irrelevant to your niece. I find it astonishing her own mother thinks that legitimises his behaviour towards her daughter. She should report him immediately. She should not be in a situation where she is harassed and intimidated in her workplace.

mulberrybag · 01/10/2014 11:00

show your neice this thread so she has an idea of what the gemeral opinion may be from other women apart from her mum. an overriding "no its not acceptable to put up with this shit" may help her find the courage to report the sexist b@#$@rd

mulberrybag · 01/10/2014 11:01

aghh *niece not neice!!

QueenofallIsee · 01/10/2014 11:08

I think she is absolutely right to be uncomfortable - that doesn't make her at fault! I had a colleague, much older man, that was very hands on with younger women. Fact was though, that he was a very nice person who would do anything for anyone and had never really changed his behavior over time...this is at least in part to women who think it is OK for men to be like this. When I asked that he didn't touch me, he was mortified that I was uncomfortable and stopped straight away. So, whilst I would have no hesitation in recommending that she report him, I would also suggest that she clearly state that she is no happy with the contact and give him chance to modify his behavior.

hiddenhome · 01/10/2014 11:32

It happened to me and I ended up telling him, quite forcefully, to get off.

LemonadeRayGun · 01/10/2014 11:49

It's sexual harassment and no I wouldn't be ok with it.

FreudiansSlipper · 01/10/2014 12:19

I feel the same Rusticated and probably would have played it down myself 10 years ago

it shows how we have been conditioned in society to just accept some men are like this and yes it is inappropriate but its not too bad they are just sleazy and to deal with it

why not call it what it is sexual harassment

Nanny0gg · 01/10/2014 12:32

Surely he won't get the sack anyway? (unless he doesn't stop). Won't he get a warning to start with?

Definitely don't put up with it.

Sazzle41 · 01/10/2014 13:03

I had this when younger, i was afraid to say anything as he was older and senior. In the end when he dry humped me as i bent over the filing drawer i was so incensed i turned round and said "touch me again and I go to HR". He was a very, very confident man (why i was afraid to say anything) but he looked petrified and never went near me again. Tell her not to be afraid & say something - he is a coward and its subtle intimidation and harrassment. He is doing it because he can and because people let him get away with it. Once he knows he cant... end of if he values his job.

MTBMummy · 01/10/2014 13:09

So what is your Sister response going to be if her daughter gets raped?

I had this happen to me when I was younger and more naive, while I didn't encourage him, I never told him off, at the next christmas party he cornered me and was forcing himself on me, I was thankfully rescued by a drunk member of staff looking for somewhere to have a fag. I went home in torn clothing, and the next week was described as a slut and a cock tease.

Your niece isn't the one whole will get him sacked by reporting, he's acting in an inappropriate manner his actions will get him sacked.