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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad, and wonder how to go forwards

19 replies

angeal · 30/09/2014 18:33

Childlessness.

Please, PLEASE don't say I'm lucky really. Oh, and I have no real interest in travel Wink

But has anybody experienced life without children and how do you make it a happy and fulfilled one? Especially when all friends have children.

Facing this as a 'real' possibility. It scares me but I need to confront it. I wonder - how do you go forwards to a life you never thought would be yours?

OP posts:
bodhranbae · 30/09/2014 18:36

Why are you facing childlessness?
Because you are single or have fertility problems?

MaidOfStars · 30/09/2014 18:40

I spoil my friends' children and reassure myself that adoption exists.

MyrnaLoy · 30/09/2014 19:03

Someone (I can't remember who) said that you have to be willing to give up the life you planned in order to live the life you have.

I have clung to that like my lifeboat and I am, now, living well - but not the life I thought I would have: It is different, but it is rich.

AdmitYouKnowImRight · 30/09/2014 19:08

I have two close friends, now in their 70's who chose not to have children.

One because she had a medical condition and the drugs she was taking back in the 1960's would have adversely affected the baby and she didnt think a pregnancy was a viable option... the other because she made a conscious decision to not have children, just didnt want them.

Both had relatively high flying careers, both had nice houses, holidays, hobbies and friends..... one had the church, the other immersed herself in nieces/nephews/godchildren. Both married at a reasonably young age and are still married (golden anniv +)

Both have a wonderful expression "mother to none but aunty to all". Both of these women are surrogate mothers to me now my own has died. Far better for someone to choose you to be their mother figure than be one by an accident of birth (no pun intended)

Revenant · 30/09/2014 19:18

Well, it was a little difficult for me too. I didn't meet the right man until a little too late for either of us to feel comfortable with tackling parenthood - particularly given a lack of extended family. And facing the fact it wasn't going to happen was upsetting. But - i have many other interests, people who make me happy and who I make happy, and bonuses such as time to myself and money to enjoy it. And i do enjoy it, despite thinking for years that I'd only be fulfilled if I had children - fulfilment has more than one shape.

Revenant · 30/09/2014 19:23

But it take some time for me to come around to this way of thinking, and I had to grieve for a bit.

Original poster
angeal · 30/09/2014 19:44

I am single, although with respect I am wondering why you asked: would it have made a difference to how you answered? I'm sorry if that sounds abrupt as it is meant genuinely :)

Thank you. The saying about living the life you have rang true for me. It is hard though isn't it?

OP posts:
ClapHandsIfYouBelieveInFatties · 30/09/2014 19:50

I suppose angeal people might approach your question differently. If you'd said you were single, young enough to have children...wanted them...then they might suggest having a child anyway. Through a donor.

If you're facing infertility it's very different because your own child is completely out of your hands then.

Is adoption or a child with a donor not an option for you? It's not something everyone is happy to look into I know.

GreenPetal94 · 30/09/2014 19:55

My boys have a godmother who is my friend from Uni who is single with no children. She does a great job of being a significant adult in their lives. She also helps out a whole range of people and is really involved in her local community. It's different to having a child, but its an important contribution and she is fairly happy with how things are.

Minikievs · 30/09/2014 20:02

I don't think anyone would respond to your quite moving post that you are "lucky". I think Admityouknow makes a lovely point. If someone chooses to see you as a mother figure, either now or in the future then that is such a wonderful thing. I love the expression mother to none, Aunty to all.

Original poster
angeal · 30/09/2014 20:08

In all honesty I'm not completely sure I do - perhaps I will feel differently in the future.

Clap neither of those options are for me. I feel uncomfortable having a child alone as a single woman, and adoption agencies would not accept me.

OP posts:
bodhranbae · 30/09/2014 20:15

Angeal - as ClapHands has rightly said - the reasons for being childless are many and varied so the reason I asked is because it is hard to respond to someone if you don't have the full picture.

I was single (at the time) and used donor sperm. I also had fertility problems.
Had I not been able to have my DS I was preparing for adoption and/or fostering and it is a route I may still pursue.
There are many ways to become a parent.

I have a friend who married for the first time aged 53. She instantly acquired 3 step sons and is soon to be a grandmother. You never know how life will map out.

I think sometimes you need to move on from the idea of how life hasn't mapped out quite the way you expected it would and just create the life you want - but in a different way.

Latara · 30/09/2014 20:20

I feel the same angeal - I'm single and childless at 38.

I met a colleague's brand new baby last week and found myself crying with despair that I may never have one.

I've given myself 2 years to find a decent man to have a baby with; then if I don't find anyone i'll go it alone.

But I really don't want to be a single parent mainly because I've had serious mental health problems - I don't know if I could cope alone with a child. And I'm on a low wage.

I just can't imagine the future without children of my own and no partner either. I won't have enough money to enjoy travel and expensive hobbies even if I don't have children.

It's really worrying.

MyrnaLoy · 30/09/2014 20:27

I've looked it up and it is Joseph Campbell: 'You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.'

But yes, it is hard to know how to do that. I think it's important to grieve (as Revenant said) and let yourself feel what you need to feel. Then you will be able to move in to the life that is "waiting for you".

It doesn't happen overnight though, so you need to be kind to yourself.

Original poster
angeal · 30/09/2014 20:48

Latara, although I'm not on a low wage your post does resonate with me as I do often feel very cut off from things friends take for granted I suppose - holidays being one!

I realise people want to be kind but if people could maybe not reply with 'oh you could be a stepmother' sort of posts that might be helpful, because it isn't the same as your own baby and I'm sure the biological mother of those boys would agree!

OP posts:
amyhamster · 30/09/2014 21:05

Hi angeal

I have several friends who have no chidlren and won't have any

One is because she never really wanted them and also met her current partner at 38, he's 45, they both work full time, go on holidays once a year - not extravagant ones, walking ones

Another friend is 39, is with a partner who has 3 children of his own, they don't live togther, she's got a very full on career and goes to the gym and has several hobbies, she's hardly ever at home

I've also got 2 friends who have long term partners (10 years +) of the same sex and neither of those couples wanted children.

MissM · 30/09/2014 21:10

I have a good friend who is coming to terms with the fact that she will probably never be a mother now (we're 45). Although she's never been entirely sure whether this is what she wants of her life or not (she's been single for a very long time), she's been seeing a therapist for the past year to help her talk through her feelings about it. Is this something that you could do? A therapist wouldn't give you the well-meaning but unhelpful (to you) answers of 'you could be an aunty'.

naty1 · 30/09/2014 21:18

I would just say if you are considering ivf/iui to look at the success rates as you get older. I dont think its very high at say 40. My clinic is less than 50% for under 35s per cycle 4-6k ivf/icsi.

bodhranbae · 30/09/2014 21:46

I'm sure the biological mother of those boys would agree

She can't agree because she's dead.

My ex lost his mum aged 4 and was raised by his father's second wife. There was no closer relationship - she WAS his mum in every possible way other than genetics.

Some people claim they want to be a mother at all costs.
What they really mean is they want their own genetic child at all costs.
It is an important distinction to be brutally honest to yourself about because it greatly influences how you can move forward in life.
For those people I know who have adopted children - including 2 aunts - their desire to parent superseded everything else.
It isn't for everyone and yes if you cannot face single parenting or adoption then you have to reinvent the future you had planned.

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