To keep wondering whether it's me... Or them

[BareNecessitiesofLife]

I live quite far from my family but have recently come 'home' for a visit with new baby. It's only been a few days and unfortunately that's about all my mother could manage without succumbing to the compulsion to criticize me. What spurred on the inevitable this time was the fact that I had three small glasses of wine tonight and (over the course of an afternoon and evening yesterday) three beers and two wines. I wasn't drunk at any point and this drinking was in the context of family gatherings with lots of food. Apparently (said in front of other family members) my behaviour is completely unnaceptable, I drink too much and I shouldn't drink while Breastfeeding (Which I don't as I'd give expressed milk or formula). I'd find it a bit easier to shrug off this kind of petty criticism but, having suffered years of it as a helpless teen, which was frequently emotionally abusive (being slapped, called awful, damaging names, screamed at) I feel that as an adult I really really owe it to myself not to take any more! It took me years of being away from their 'singular world view' to repair my self esteem and while I like to think their comments come from a well meaning place (kind of!) it really triggers strong waves of upset and distress to encounter any kind if criticism from them. So I took them aside tonight and asked them very calmly to please not criticize me in front of others and then tried to explain that I don't bf when I've had a few, but I couldn't get much further as I got shouted down by both parents "you drink too much that's the end of it!" And told not to be so "hysterical". It seems like such a relatively petty incident and yet it has just brought up waves of pain. Aibu to expect that as an independent self sufficient adult I can go about without being dragged down into feeling torn and sad and a failure?! What has been a nice trip so far just reminds me now of why I stay away :-(

Cross posts wiggly, I was not suggesting that the OP should do this, I was questioning whether she did! ( I bf just before starting then gave expressed / ff until the next day). I don't think that this removes alcohol from breastmilk, nor do I think that drinking a moderate amount while BF is a problem

The boundary overstepping has been a bit of a defining characteristic, they are very much the types to interfere and consider it perfectly justifiable to do so. They've scared off several romantic relationships of other family members with their judginess... I am grateful that DH takes them with a huge pinch of salt!

For me I think it's not so much the subject matter of their judginess (which has ranged over the years from home decor, clothes and haircuts, education, relationships, friends, to a meltdown worthy epic over my decision not to practice their religion) but the way they do it and feed off each other and how vicious they can become if challenged. It took me years to feel like I'd shaken off their influence and to realise that their behaviour wasn't exactly the norm in parenting, but something like last night just got right under my skin sent me straight back to when I was under their roof.

Having calmed down somewhat and put some defenses and perspective back up I can see that while I don't actually get a lot emotionally from the relationship (I deliberately keep any conversation with my dad to small talk and neutral topics as he can become especially scathing if you dare to express an opinion that challenges his own view, has never really gotten the idea of debate or discussion) it's the idea of family that I cling to. And my extended are lovely and I relish seeing them, and am close to aunts, siblings, cousins etc. despite sometimes feeling like I'm being treated like a naughty child.

"Pumping and dumping is based on: 1) knowing that if you drink alcohol is present in breastmilk; 2) not wanting your baby to consume alcohol; 3) wanting to relieve the pressure in your breasts; 4) wanting to mimic your baby feeding to maintain supply."

OK, well:

1. yes alcohol is present in the breastmilk, but your body does not store breastmilk like it's a bottle of milk. Your body makes milk to demand. So if feed a baby milk 6 hours after you had a glass of wine, the alcohol content of your milk will be the same, whether you pumped and dumped or didn't.

1. The amount of alcohol is so small it's less alcoholic than orange juice (at about 0.01%). Do you have a problem with your children drinking orange juice because of alcohol content? Thought not. What are the effects of babies consuming low levels of alcohol? I have no idea, but I strongly suspect as a one off it's absolutely fine.

1. Yes, it relieves the pressure in your breasts.

1. You are very unlikely to lose supply from a few hours away from the breast. Of course if it was more often that would be a problem, but we're talking about a one off here aren't we, not regular drinking?

That is not excessive drinking by any stretch of the imagination even if you are breast feeding , but I would avoid the family in future as much as you can they sound awful

Yanbu about the parents.
Yanbu about having a drink or 6.

"Relationship with alcohol" fucks sake

Wiggly lines is talking a lot of sense and you did NOT drink an excessive amount. The problem with your parents is another thing, but all the PPs jumping on you because of the amount you drink are 1) missing the point of the question and 2) talking nonsense.

I must admit to some when reading some of the comments here about OP's 'relationship' with alcohol...

Ffs, she was in a stressful situation, coupled with the fact that it was a social gathering, and it took place over a day! She's already explained her normal consumption so can everyone have one of these please!

OP, you did everything right with regards to your baby. Well done on holding it together under trying circumstances. Don't go near them again. You can still have a fabulous relationship with the rest of your family without needing to do more than nod at your parents from across a crowded room, if necessary. And you can always tell your family that, whilst you will always be glad to visit or have them visit you, you do not want to see or have to speak to your parents and hope that they will understand and not invite them to parties that you will be attending.

With that kin of family, I think I'd need to be drunk!

These people are never going to be family OP, sadly I think you need to accept that and then decide what to do.

I don't think your alcohol consumption is a problem at all, in fact I would breastfeed after drinking that amount, the %of alcohol that goes into your milk is so minuscule even drinking a fairly large amount won't harm your baby.

On mumsnet it is often said to be ok to have a small glass of wine/beer whilst pregnant, in that case the baby has the same blood alcohol level as you, when breastfeeding your breastmilk is the same alcohol level as your blood, in other words it is impossible to expose your baby via breastmilk to the same amount of alcohol that a very small glass of wine will expose your baby to.

The thing that worried me when I had enjoyed a glass or 2 of wine was co-sleeping, I only drank early, so a glass or 2 of wine with Sunday dinner for example, the rare occasions it was more my dp slept next to the baby or the baby slept in it's bed.

Excessive alcohol consumption isn't a good idea regardless of feeding method or if your the mother or the father but a rare treat is not terrible and it sounds like ops alcohol consumption wasn't abnormally high. Would anyone bat an eyelid if it was the father having 3 small glasses of wine over an afternoon or evening?

oh come on wiggly, you're accusing me of thinking things I simply don't. I said in my second post that as I understand it alcohol is metabolised from breastmilk as it is from blood. At no point have I said that pumping helps get rid of alcohol.

What are the effects of babies consuming low levels of alcohol? I have no idea

Stop talking like you do then. All the info out there says evidence is inconclusive. e.g. LLL cites a study that found that babies' consumption of milk decreases significantly when the mother has been drinking. Look, I don't think its going to cause a huge amount of harm and I drank moderately while BF. At the same time what the OP describes isn't on this occasion what most people would call moderate drinking and I don't think it's unreasonable to raise it.