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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be appalled by my Mother In Law? And what should I have done?

12 replies

StHildas4Life · 29/09/2014 21:23

Whilst spending the weekend with my in laws (husband's parents and three of his siblings along with their partners), my brother in law and his wife announced that they are expecting a baby. It will be their first. Of course, everyone promptly doled out the congratulations and cracked open the champagne. So far, so simple.

But it was what happened next that I'm really still quite puzzled by. Later in the day everyone, with the exception of my mother in law, sister in law and myself, went out for a spot of sport whilst the children napped. I was quite happy to be left behind as I (secretly, ha!) don't enjoy the sport in question much and have a good relationship with my MIL and SIL. However, in the absence of the rest of the party both women began making joking but unquestionably catty comments about my BILs wife and their just announced child. The crux of their commentary was her social background and that of her family. Lots of mock concern for the faux pas she will undoubtedly (their words, not mine!) commit, etc. etc. Lighthearted on the whole but still...

There is, of course, more to it here as my husband's family is quite old and fairly smart whilst SILs family is vocally and proudly working class. However, I had always believed that like my own family, and like my husband, my MIL didn't set much store by these things. She has always been welcoming to SIL and hosted her family several times, although there have been the odd jokes/comments here and there (but no where like what was said on this occasion)

AIBU to be really appalled at their 'joking' and to wish that I had said something? When I mentioned it to my husband he agreed it wasn't great, but said to let it lay (and giggled to himself). When I pushed him a bit on it, he asserted that it was probably just her not dealing well with her youngest child becoming a parent coupled with the recent death of a family friend which seems to have marked the 'end of an era'. But it still just doesn't sit right with me.

What do you think? Should I have said something? Should I say something the next time it happens? Or am I making a mountain out of a molehill, perhaps out of a bit of fear that if they speak about one daughter in law this way, what's to stop them from doing it to me?

OP posts:
magoria · 29/09/2014 21:26

I would wonder what they say about you behind your back. They probably already do.

If you like SIL, back off from the others and be nice to her.

ImperialBlether · 29/09/2014 21:29

I think you should have stood up for your SIL. How unfair they are to bitch about her social class - that's really awful.

Pagwatch · 29/09/2014 21:29

Erm, well you were not really appalled by your MIl were you?
You didn't say anything at all. You only mention your mil but it was also your sil and it sounds as though your DH sort of joined in a bit after the event, giggling to himself.

LadyLuck10 · 29/09/2014 21:30

What would saying something achieve for you? Other than now being on the 'outside' forever more, will you really be able to change their mindset. No. All that will happen is they will continue but behind your back and gossip about yo has well, on top of being off with you.
I would well stay out of it, keep a distance now that you know their true colours. And definitely not say anything

Pagwatch · 29/09/2014 21:31

Was this last weeks Downton?

diddl · 29/09/2014 21:34

So they won't be wanting to know their GC/niece/nephew as the mother is so utterly beneath them?

They sound insufferably rude & ill mannered, as does your husband!

Yes stick up for her!

Littledidsheknow · 29/09/2014 21:37

My MIL is a snob, and was appalled that her privately educated PFB got together with someone from a state school (i.e. me). I redeemed myself by going to university though. I used to love making her squirm when there were guests at her house by announcing that I was from a council estate.
Fast forward 25 years and she thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread.

OP If they say such things again, don't say anything negative, just chip in with "She's a lovely person isn't she?" and "she'll be a great mum" and encourage them to be nice and supportive to her. Let them know you're on her side. I agree with Ladyluck... making a fuss wont change them and may cause trouble for you.

OhMyArsingGodInABox · 29/09/2014 21:38

Is this from off the telly?

StHildas4Life · 29/09/2014 21:41

Ugh, I can safely say I agree with all of you.

Yes, I should think they probably do say things about me behind my back. I raised this with my husband, and - confirming what Pagwatch noted - he brushed away my fears by pointing out that we're 'the same' (head desk).

How did I marry into this family without noticing this before?!

And finally, LadyLuck, I think that feeling of inside/outside is what kept me quiet. It was all done in a bit of a naughty school girls giggling in the stables way. Really disappointed that by staying silent I engaged directly in this mean-girl behaviour.

OP posts:
StHildas4Life · 29/09/2014 21:46

Ha. No, not off telly though I do think that perhaps it says something about the insidious class system in this country that these things actually happen in real life in the 21st century.

Littledidsheknow - sorry you had to go through that but glad it's worked out. I know what you're saying about not speaking up, but I'm also so irritated at the thought that my silence translates into complicity. Especially as the SIL in question is totally and utterly lovely.

OP posts:
Deathraystare · 29/09/2014 21:48

Well you can redeem yourself from now on by being especially supportive of your BIL's wife. Not by stridently shouting down your MIL and SIl but be asking what they mean and saying "Oh I don't think that at all, and I hope you never say that to her, I am sure she will make a lovely mum". Also you may find in the years to come that you and Bil's wife can both come together and laugh about the aabsurdities dished out by a very silly woman!

StHildas4Life · 29/09/2014 21:51

Yes, quite. Thanks everyone. Pleased to have a good way to approach it in future. Off to go introduce husband to 21st century.

OP posts:
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