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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up with my relatives?

18 replies

Dandelionsmith · 29/09/2014 14:22

First time I've done this so sorry if it's too long....

DH and I don't have any family nearby - the nearest are my uncle and aunt who live in the countryside and were always really welcoming and I used to stay with them for weekends occasionally when I was single. When I met DH, we used to also visit and we felt really close to them, especially as they're a lot younger than my parents. Their DD was a bridesmaid at our wedding and my parents and I made a big fuss of her too with birthdays etc.

However once our DS was born it's all gone a bit pear shaped...first thing was they pulled out of our small family Christening on the day with what I felt was a lame excuse - even though they hadn't seen him at that point. As they didn't come to us we travelled to them when he was 8 months and my Uncle made it clear he thought we were totally fussy parents because we wrapped him up warmly for a country walk when it was really cold and lots of other little things like that. It was clear he had no interest in DS at all. He even said something along the lines of that other children are boring apart from your own. Then they took us to a terrible lunch at their friends which was really formal and not suitable for small babies at all - the hosts had expected us to leave him on his own (next to an open fire) in the sitting room for the whole lunch which was several hours long. I felt my uncle and aunt had been a bit thoughtless as they obv hadn't considered us or DS at all - we wouldn't have gone to the lunch if we'd known how formal it was. My Uncle had to be prompted to say goodbye to DS when we left after the weekend.
That was more than a year ago and the only contact we've had is swapping Xmas cards.

My DH, who is an optimist, wants me to contact them again and arrange to see them and thinks if we visit again they'll be better. I'm not so sure. I completely get not everyone is fascinated by my son, I really do. But shouldn't relatives who you were close to make a bit more effort? I feel they've been rude and selfish - or AIBU and PFB? I feel they expected everyone to care about their daughter (who ironically they spoilt rotten) but can't be bothered about anyone else. It's upsetting though as I used to feel really close to them. I guess we were more fun when we were child free!

I think my Uncle just pleases himself. He was making a rare visit to my home town last week and called in on my sister, who was about to visit my DM (his sis) in hospital where she is a long term patient. He went with her, but it sounded like he wouldn't have gone if Dsis hadn't been visiting and he hadn't tried to contact DM.

OP posts:

Heels99 · 29/09/2014 14:24

You have drifted apart, let it go. Stick to Xmas cards.

Rainbunny · 30/09/2014 14:20

But other people's kids ARE boring. Sorry but it's clear your uncle and aunt are not "baby" people. As for the lunch, it was an invitation kindly extended to you not a kick in the face. They can't control the set-up at the host's home and they probably are out of practice at having a baby around so didn't plan for it.

I agree it's a shame they couldn't make the christening, it's also a shame that their reason for missing it wasn't acceptable to you. Let it go. It sounds like they have been kind to you for years, you should dial down your expectations and stop being so high maintenance about your PFB otherwise you'll lose a nice relationship.

mimishimmi · 01/10/2014 05:46

It just sounds like they aren't baby people. If your relations were warm and cordial prior to your little one, it means they probably do care for you.Stay in touch and perhaps invite them over (instead of going to theirs). Don't have high expectations that they will fawn over the kids - some people just aren't like that.

InYourPockets · 01/10/2014 06:08

They sound like they are not very nice. Find others who are kind to you to spend your time with.

JeanSeberg · 01/10/2014 06:42

How's the aunt been as you've just mentioned the uncle in your post?

firesidechat · 01/10/2014 07:20

Two things strike me here.

Other peoples babies are boring on the whole, although it was very rude of your uncle to say this to you. Is he the plain speaking type? Having said that we find our new grandson endlessly fascinating, but that's probably because he is a close blood relative and I can see my own child in him. I can't imagine feeling like that about a nieces baby. Sorry.

Putting the baby in another room during a meal, fire or no fire, was exactly what we would have done 20 odd years ago. That is probably your uncles reference point too. Although 8 months is a bit old to be expecting this I suppose. He sounds out of touch, rather than nasty.

We didn't have any close relatives to coo over our babies either and cooing is definitely not my own parents style. We had to do al the adoring ourselves.

Dynamics do change when you have children and some people are just not interested in babies. It may well change again when they (babies) are older and can do more things. I wouldn't judge them too harshly for that.

Balaboosta · 01/10/2014 07:34

Dynamics definitely change. When I was pg I indulged in endless fantasies about relatives swooning over my babies, which I now see we're narcissistic. I then remember being aghast at the general indifference of certain family members to my DTs (including DP unfortunately ) - but not everybody "gets it".

LadyLuck10 · 01/10/2014 07:44

I agree with everyone who says dynamics change. They don't seem nasty people as you have a soft spot for them and got on for many years. On the other side of it, maybe your uncle and aunt felt that you had become very PFB and decided to keep a distance rather than upset you. As other posters explain, not everyone gets your baby. It's ok too, they don't have to. Just keep an open relationship with them, it doesn't have to be NC.

ssd · 01/10/2014 07:59

I dont agree its just dynamics

op, people are either drains or radiators and your relatives are drains

drains take and don't give

radiators give and don't take

simples

let it go

ithoughtofitfirst · 01/10/2014 08:13

I did a similar thread about my brother and the general conclusion was that most people are only interested in their own children.

Fuck em.

Spadequeen · 01/10/2014 08:21

I agree with ssd, this is about them and you not being to dote over their dd, there is competition for your affections. They're behaving like children, ignore them.

HappyAgainOneDay · 01/10/2014 08:29

This happens often. It's simply that a couple's life changes when a baby arrives and people suddenly have baby things that take up their time. They cannot therefore live the life they had before. Family life changes everything in every way.

LittlePeaPod · 01/10/2014 08:30

I have a DD who I am besotted with and probably spoil rotten. But I have to admit, I also find other people's babies/kids dull. I was considered a crap Aunty to my nieces and nephew when they were babies. I refused to feed or change them and I used to only hold them for a few minutes at a time. It wasn't until they turned about three that things changed. They become much more interesting and I am now their favourite aunt. Its not that I didn't care or love my nieces. I loved/love them dearly. I just found them dull as babies. As for my friends, well they know better than to expect me to get gushy about their babies.

My brother on the other hand has been and amazing uncle from the day DD was born.

I do think I have improved slightly since having DD. Not much though. I am not a nasty person, I just find babies except my own, boring.

So I can almost sympathise with your Aunt/Uncle. Don't end the relationship because you may find they turn out to be amazing Aunty/Uncle when your DC is older.

Bigoldsupermoon · 01/10/2014 09:26

I don't think you're being U, OP - your rellies don't have to be fawning over your DS, but the fact that they've let you down, apparently avoided you and then done their best (as per your post) to ignore your DS isn't really on.

Sure, babies can be boring as hell (and I say this as someone 40wks pg with PFB!) but there's such a thing as tolerating for the sake of 1) politeness and 2) their relationship with you. I'd accept that the relationship has drifted, IIWY - no point flogging a dead horse. Spend time with people who care enough to make an effort.

needsacuppanow · 01/10/2014 10:06

Yanbu to feel fed up. Your Aunt and uncle sound like they are very selfish.
Your ds is part of your family and therefore also part of their family, I don't see why they shouldn't make an effort with him. It's very sad that you feel that they are no longer interested in you because you have a child. If you used to be close, why not talk to your uncle about how his behaviour is making you feel. He may not realise.

The lunch hosts also sound rude. You, your dh and your ds were invited to their home. As hosts they should make sure that they accomodate your families needs, basic good manners to me. I wouldn't dream of expecting a guest to leave their baby ds in another room alone for hours, but then I don't go in for formality. I like my guests to feel comfortable in my home.

Nanny0gg · 01/10/2014 10:18

Let them go.

They are not even superficially polite about your family and I really don't think it's worth the bother.

MissPenelopeLumawoo · 01/10/2014 15:09

I think it is a shame that they expected everyone to be interested in their DD, then can't be bothered to be interested in your child now he is here. Families change & grow, new members are added, I can't understand why your relatives have little consideration for the latest member of their extended family. I would just cool it off with them for now, no big fall-out but just a letting go of contact. If they are more interested as your DS gets older then they will contact you. But YANBU.

ssd · 01/10/2014 16:30

trouble is, I think the op had learned what sort of people they are now and if they start to take an interest in ds when he's older she'll give them short shrift, its one thing not being mad keen on babies but quite another when the love and caring is all coming from one side only.

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