to feel guilt about wanting no contact from my parents

[wotoodoo]

I have encouraged my dc to skype/phone them as I think it it's important for them to maintain contact should they wish.

My dps have never shown them much interest, preferring to go on a cruise twice a year and always over christmas and yet they have never so much as taken my dc out on a day trip.

I suppose the years of criticism they meted out throughout my dc's childhood has made me finally snap. I am a loving mother and now I have teenagers, I can finally and clearly see my dm never loved me, never 'chatted', never offered support or advice, in fact, all my childhood angst has reignited. How desperately sad and lonely I was growing up not having a loving mother, not even knowing what it is like to have a loving cuddle from your mother.

I have done my best not to repeat my dps behaviour and I have a loving, wonderful relationship with my own dc which makes me grieve for what I missed out on.

How can I get past this feeling of guilt though? My dps were not monsters, there to help physically sometimes (once dm helped make curtains, df helped a lot practically/diy) but emotionally they were absent.

Surely I should shrug it off, call them up and realise they did what they thought was best?

Why am I now so hung up about the lack of emotional support? I feel guilty I can't just pull my socks up and move on.

I did write them both letters outlining how I felt 3 years ago, df replied wanting to make amends but heard nothing from dm which confirms to me how little she actually cares for me. She once told me when I was very ill as a child how she wanted to kill me, she absolutely hated any of us getting ill.

Dm was in a perpetual bad mood growing up and we all learnt to tread on eggshells around her. She was mean, selfish and probably depressed but never sought treatment so I grew up feeling guilty that I was the problem.

I've yet to meet a person who has cut ties with their parents for frivolous reasons. If you don't feel like you want to be in contact with them, it's your right.

A relationship is a two way street. If your parents don't want to meet you half way you have no obligation to carry a one sided relationship.

I feel as if I have blossomed now that I don't give them information about my family. An example is getting another couple of pets (they have none and disapprove of any)!

We are so different. My dps never invite anyone around, we have people staying over all the time. They maintain their home like a show home, ours is 'lived in'.. I could go on.

Needless to say, they disapproved of everything from our child rearing to how to hang out the laundry, I kid you not.

My df would then say he was only trying to help, so making me feel guilty that I didn't appreciate his advice.

Anyway I am now approaching 50 and I cannot believe I spent 45 years feeling cowtowed. Why didn't I 'snap' at least 17 years ago so that my dc's childhood was not blighted by my feelings of inadequacy.

you're human so it's bound to hurt and probably always will, but maybe having distant parents has made you more approachable, giving and warm as a parent and friend because you are more aware of feelings iysim? It sounds like your focus is your dc who you obviously think the world of, maybe take a look at the 'stately home' thread to work it out a bit more? Hope it helps x

It does sound like your DM never formed an emotional bond with you as a child. Whatever reason caused that it wasn't your fault and you shouldn't feel guilt for the relationship you have now.

Have you had no contact with her at all in the 3 years since you wrote the letters?

Do your DC want to have a relationship with their grandparents? They are old enough to make their own decision and choose not to contact people who treated their mother badly. I know that's how I would look at in in their situation.

You said that you have blossomed now that you don't have to live with their disapproval so it definitely sounds like you've made the right decision to go no contact. Things could always change in the future but for now it sounds like you are better off without them.

I went NC with my Mum for a variety of reasons from childhood neglect physical and emotional abuse all of which denied by her (would leave me alone all weekend with 4 younger siblings whilst she went out on the piss etc) and in those 4 years I grew so much. Tried to form a relationship for 18 months after that and it just didn't work, she liked to complain and bitch about me not letting her meet her grandchildren constantly during those years but when she could see them she wasn't the slightest bit interested in them yet showered my nephew with days out presents sleepovers holidays etc. I've been NC again for 18 months and its been fucking brilliant

'Dm was in a perpetual bad mood growing up and we all learnt to tread on eggshells around her. She was mean, selfish and probably depressed but never sought treatment '

YABU, your mother was depressed.Cut her some slack and thank the lord you are not suffering from this horrible illness.

I am currently NC with my mum, it's not the first time, I got back in contact when I had ds1 as I thought he should know his family. Realised why I did it in the first place and after several awkard years and many disappointments we are NC again. I do feel guilt sometimes but that's better than the stress if visiting her.
The breaking point for me (apart from the memories of beatings a da child, the verbal abuse, my husband bein banned from their house as she doesn't like him etc et ) was 3 things in quick succession
She told my sister who had just broken up with her partner and had a just turned 1 year old not to go there for Xmas as she had every other year of her life and to did somewhere else to go!
She told me the drive to visit us was to much for her ( fair enough although it's 2 hours straight up a motorway) BUT the year following this declaration she drove all the way to Ireland, drove to a holiday destination very near us and also went to Florida and drove around Florida!!!
My sister told her the kids had chicken pox so I waited for a text or phone call to see if they were ok and I am still waiting 3 years later! The first year I sent Mother's Day, Xmas and birthday cards but we reliecwd no cards from her on the kids birthdays.

My dad occasionally rings but my dm never does. Yes, she was depressed then I can see that but we all left home 25 years ago and she has enjoyed life since!

It has never occurred to her I think that you can 'enjoy' grandchildren, she only had a bossy do as I say attitude so I guess she simply is not and never was maternal.

Thank you for suggesting I might have become a better person as a result of having a distant relationship, that is a positive spin on the situation which I hadn't thought of before

'Dm was in a perpetual bad mood growing up and we all learnt to tread on eggshells around her. She was mean, selfish and probably depressed but never sought treatment '

I'm not sure I agree about the sympathy re depression. My Mum was depressed at times and she was absolutely vile to me. Used me as an emotional punching bag. I remember my Dad saying It explains so much when she was diagnosed. I remember thinking it didn't excuse her behaviour!

OP have you ever considered that your Mum might have narcissistic personality disorder? I'm no expert (just reading about it) but some of what you're saying might fit?

we are so different. My dps never invite anyone around, we have people staying over all the time. They maintain their home like a show home, ours is 'lived in'.. I could go on

They sound similar to people I know, very emotionally cold but good at giving presents they think giving a present ( ordinary normal gift) is a huge deal and we should all be kissing their feet for it.

Ultimalty, you cannot choose your family.

We have a tiny blink of light time on this earth, why do we sacrifice our happiness, smashing ourselves up against people who do not make us happy and do not want to look at their own behavior to accommodate us.

If you feel happier by cutting down on contact, then do it!

I wouldn't make huge pronouncements, just cut right back.

Dont feel guilty.

YABU, your mother was depressed.Cut her some slack and thank the lord you are not suffering from this horrible illness.

Nope, nope, nope. As a sufferer of hereditary moderate to severe depression, the onus is on the sufferer not to drag everyone else around them into the hole. You have a responsibility to be aware and do what you can to mitigate, not use it as a stick with which to beat people.

Thanks for all advice. I have heard of NPD and yes, she certainly has many many of the traits.

What is interesting is that while I as a child cowtowed to their horrendous moods, my dc never did and neither does my dniece and nephew.

They called them 'Grumpy Grandma' and 'grouchy grandad' and they know it too

So they all choose to be in contact now and again which is perfectly fine by me.

I agree with Eggs actually about not letting everyone else suffer around them as when I am feeling down/being snappy I apologise to the dc after, something my dm never ever once did. I honestly believe she thinks we did cause her bad moods, hence the ongoing guilt :(

, the onus is on the sufferer not to drag everyone else around them into the hole. You have a responsibility to be aware and do what you can to mitigate'

I don't think you have much idea of severe depression.Sufferers cannot think rationally.

Beyond repair- great advice x

I don't think you have much idea of severe depression.Sufferers cannot think rationally.

Not only did you not bother to read my whole post, you have no idea what you're talking about.

I suppose the argument is if you are so depressed that you are not rational you cannot be held responsible for the misery you create and inflict on others.

Yes I can see that but as Eggs has said despite having a depressive disorder she makes sure others do not suffer. Quite frankly I wish my mother was like Eggs.

Not only did my mother not think she had a problem, she blamed others, made others' lives an absolute misery and made no effort whatsoever to explain her behaviour so leaving us as all bewildered, upset and confused.

We did 'cut her some slack' by not confronting her, not letting her have any indication of how we felt, by trading on eggshells around her, by being nonconfrontational, by burying our own problems, by going along with her farce of pretending nothing was wrong, by dealing with her acute selfishness and meanness by believing it was all our fault she was like that.

My father was an enabler so always desperate to keep her happy by siding with her and blaming us too.

It is very difficult living with a depressive but I think it would have been bearable had she not been so selfish and cruel with it. I am so glad to hear that there are people/mothers like Eggs! x

While I have never suffered from depression myself, I have plenty of experience with people who have.

Depression does not in itself make people nasty or mean or selfish. Those personality issues have to exist in the person separate to the depression.

Take a look at the relationship board. Many of the abusive spouses have used the depression as a get out clause allowing them to continue with abusive behaviour.

It all sounds a bit melodramatic.

Look up FOG - fear, obligation, guilt on google.

There are also plenty of books to help "if you had controlling parents" "toxic parents" etc which you can find on Amazon.

The thing to remember is that you have guilt - they don't - they are not capable of it.

I had an abusive grand parent - do not make your child interact with the abusive family member, they will have even fewer defence mechanisms that you do.