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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wibu to make ex come to us at Christmas to see the dc's?

21 replies

extremepie · 28/09/2014 09:58

Sorry to start a Christmas thread so early but I'm trying to plan ahead :D

ExH lives about 350 miles away from us, his choice (he moved after we split). He doesn't drive but his gf does, I don't drive.

He wants me to meet him halfway, which just happens to be where my parents live and several of our mutual friends.

I wouldn't have a problem with this except we did the same thing last year and it was a bit of a nightmare! The only way for us to get to the 'meeting point' is to take the train which at that time of year is a. Very expensive, b. Extremely crowded and delays etc likely c. A huge pain in the arse as it involves trying to get an autistic 6yr old to sit still in one seat for 4 hours then having to navigate London/the tube with said 6yr old in a SN pushchair whilst carrying a mahoosive rucksack full of presents, clothes etc.

I managed it last year, just, but the whole thing was hugely stressful for me, ex did initially say he would meet me in London to help me but didn't in the end. Wibu to say it's just too much and I don't want to do it again this year? That does mean I wouldn't be able to see my parents either but it's just such a long way for the sake of a few days and would mean us having to travel back on Christmas Eve, which I'm not keen on doing either!

I don't want to be a bitch but if he really wants to see the dc's should it be him making the effort to come down? We have a friend he could stay with for a few days if he did come down, it just makes more sense to me!

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 28/09/2014 10:00

YWNBU to tell him you are not going to do the journey again, but you can't make him come to you. Hopefully he will want to see his DC and so will put the effort in and get himself down to you.

jacks365 · 28/09/2014 10:02

His choice to move away so he has to take responsibility for that by doing the running around for the dc.

Original poster

extremepie · 28/09/2014 10:04

Well, yes I can't make him do anything unfortunately probably bad wording on my part!

OP posts:

asmallandnoisymonkey · 28/09/2014 10:04

Tell him to sod right off - he moved away, why should you now be responsible for helping his children to get to him?

It's nothing to do with you. And to all the inevitable 'oh but you're supposed to do what's best for the children, stopping him seeing them at Christmas is bad wah wah wah' - he moved away so they can't be THAT important to him eh?

3littlefrogs · 28/09/2014 10:05

If you can easily get to your parents he should come to see the DC there.
Making you struggle across London in the way you have described ie completely unreasonable.

OTOH if you were not planning to visit your parents then you need to think again.

Christmas is an awful time to travel, especially with DC.

What contact arrangements do you have for the rest of the year?

Also - I think if he chose to move, he should do the travelling.

DontPutMeDownForCardio · 28/09/2014 10:08

Nobody knows why he moved away at this point apart from op.

Original poster

extremepie · 28/09/2014 10:09

Well quite, smallandnoisy, particularly as he has not paid a penny in child support since we split and has seen the dc's a grand total of twice in the last year - he had them over the summer and agreed to drop them off at 'meeting place' which is a good 5hr journey for me on the train and refused to help with the cost of the ticket because 'I get more benefits than he does' :/

OP posts:

TheFairyCaravan · 28/09/2014 10:13

If you don't want to travel, and I wouldn't, then don't. But you can't make him do anything.

He chose to move away, so he should be doing the travelling.

Ron99 · 28/09/2014 10:13

If you weren't planning to visit parents then tough he needs to travel to see his daughters.

Original poster

extremepie · 28/09/2014 10:14

He moved away because apparently he was so cut up about our break up that he 'couldn't stand to be near me' and needed to 'get away to sort his head out'. He was sofa surfing for a few months and then promptly moving in with another woman (who is now his gf) and her 2 dc's, devastated as he was!

Contact the rest of the year is pretty much 'I can't afford to come and see them' so he phones once a week or so and sees them in the holidays (Christmas and summer) when I agree to travel halfway across the country to drop them off can you tell I may be a little upset about this arrangement :(

OP posts:

500smiles · 28/09/2014 10:15

You both should be doing what's in the interests of the children.

The train journey you've described does not sound in the best interests of a child with ASD.

He should be doing the travelling.

moomoo1967 · 28/09/2014 10:17

I have done quite alot of the travelling to spend Xmas with family so that they could see DD via train and it is horrondous. The trains are heaving, people are stressed and that is before you have to navigate through the throngs with bags, and children. I would definitely not go up this year, feeling that it is his turn to make the effort. How do the DC's feel about the possibility of not seeing him ? Just think if you stayed at home what a lovely, relaxed, stressfree Xmas you could have

Original poster

extremepie · 28/09/2014 10:53

Yes that's what I've been thinking about as an alternative moomoo! Me & the kids doing fun Christmassy things, Christmas shopping, decking out the flat etc, it will be the first Christmas we've had in our new place too and I just shudder thinking about last year :/

It was lovely while we were there but the journey was basically 4 solid hours of me trying to keep ds2 amused and sitting in his seat, scared to turn my back or go to the loo in case I can back and he wasn't there :/ Then struggling with huge heavy rucksack and pushchair through stations where there are no lifts 10000 stairs - I was sweating buckets and stressed up to my eyeballs the whole way! Not fun for any of us :(

By comparison all he has to do is sit in a car for as many hours as it takes to get down here, even if he got stuck in traffic he could just read or go to sleep as he isn't driving!

OP posts:

Castlemilk · 28/09/2014 11:00

Good God no.

You just tell him it didn't work in the best interests of the DC last year, and this year it is completely off the cards - not only because of that but also as you can't afford it.

Remind him that as he moved away, it's actually his responsibility to travel, you've helped facilitate this as much as you can in the past, you now don't have the money. Partly because he is not contributing. Suggest he uses some of the large amount of withheld maintenance to get to yours. Then leave the ball in his court, and certainly stop using your limited funds on propping up this 'father' who doesn't even seem bothered about seeing his children.

hamptoncourt · 28/09/2014 11:12

YANBU

I agree that you should be doing what is in the best interests of your DC.

Stay home. If he wants to see them he will put the effort in won't he? There are non resident parents around who would crawl across broken glass to spend a day, any day, not just Christmas Day, with their DC.

Your ex doesn't sound like one of them.

ChasedByBees · 28/09/2014 11:19

God no I wouldn't do that.

Tell him he can drive down. Another option is he could have another time with them where try had a second Christmas, but it's still not fair to expect you to travel half way and subsidise him when he's not paying child maintenance.

MrsGoslingWannabe · 28/09/2014 11:37

Would you actually invite him to spend Christmas Day with you? If so that would be very kind and he would be a pillock to not do it.

asmallandnoisymonkey · 28/09/2014 11:39

I think the mumsnet jury has spoken - tell him to bugger off and do his duty as a father. If he's not interested then you can't help that but it's not in the best interests of the kids to be dragged up and down the country just so he can be a dad for one day of the year. What an arsehole.

TinyDancingHoofer · 28/09/2014 12:11

Goodness YANBU, stay at home. Surely it's cheaper for him to get the train down to you than for him to pay your travelling costs- which I would expect him to have offered?

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/09/2014 13:45

" Wibu to say it's just too much and I don't want to do it again this year?"
Absolutely not unreasonable. And you are in a very strong position to refuse to do it again, because you DID made the effort last year. You are saying 'no' not because you don't want to, but because you know what a horrible experience it is for you and your children.

It is clearly in the children's best interests to not be put through this again. As an adult he should be putting their needs before his wants.

Tell him it was too much, and that you DEFINITELY WON'T be doing it again. He has time to look into what he wants to do to see his children.

Original poster

extremepie · 28/09/2014 21:28

Phew! So glad people agree with me, I was worried I was being a horrible person for not agreeing to it but tbf I have been really accommodating so far and I think it's time he made an effort!

OP posts:

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