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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that people do not like others behaving assertively?

29 replies

slinkyfiggy · 26/09/2014 19:17

I have had counselling for the past few month, and have worked on a lot of assertiveness techniques, which I am using more and more. I like being more assertive.

I have had a couple of incidences where friends don't really seem to like assertive behaviour.

I was meant to be having a night out with a friend who is sometimes unreliable. Firstly she changed the date of our night out to suit her, then the times were changed twice to suit her, then she decided to bring another friend along that I'm not really keen on, and change the film that we were going to see as her other friend didn't like the one we were originally going to see. I said that I didn't want to see the other film so I would give the night a miss and I hoped to catch up with her soon. She wasn't very happy at all and is currently sulking with me.

I also went out for a meal recently with 5 friends. The restaurant were terrible and we had to ask for drinks, ask to order, ask where our food was, ask for dessert menus. When we were waiting for the bill we had been waiting for 20 minutes and I called a manager over and said very politely "We have been waiting for over 20 minutes for our bill now. Can someone please bring it over to us as soon as possible as we need to leave". Two friends then got quite cross with me saying that I was being embarrassing! They'd rather have just waited for hours apparently! What's annoying is that one of our other friends is very demanding and almost aggressive, but no one would ever dare cross her or pull her up on being assertive.

Even DH seems to get very annoyed and frustrated when I act assertively...

Is there a magic formula for acting assertively whilst still retaining friends, or do assertiveness and friends not mix?

OP posts:

crossandcrosser · 26/09/2014 19:22

They've obviously got used to you being a push over in the past. They'll soon get used to the new you & stop messing you about.
Well done you, it's empowering isn't it?

LadyLuck10 · 26/09/2014 19:23

I prefer people who are assertive and would appreciate that in someone.
When you are being assertive, how are you saying it? You can be assertive with aggression iyswim. Not saying that you are, just that your DH also seems annoyed so wondering how you are when being assertive.

thatsnotmyusername · 26/09/2014 19:24

if I ever grow a spine and am able to act assertively then i'll let you know... I envy you, I wish I could be more assertive rather than 'yeah thats fine' all the time.

For what its worth, I dont think that people who are used to you being a door mat like it when to stop being so.

ThirdPoliceman · 26/09/2014 19:26

Hmmm.....

If you have previously been seen as a pushover, then what you may be experiencing is shock at your change of behaviour.
As long as you are polite, assertiveness is a good thing (IMHO)

Namechangedforthisohyesidid · 26/09/2014 19:26

Ai think sometimes it's jealousy! I honestly do. well done you!

Original poster

slinkyfiggy · 26/09/2014 19:27

Ooh no, not aggressive. I'd hate to be aggressive. Just kind of neutrally assertive really

OP posts:

MrsWinnibago · 26/09/2014 19:27

I'm very assertive. Always have been. I suppose in circumstances where you're in a group, it's best to mention it first before you speak up on behalf of the others.

"Would anyone mind if I bollocked the manager?" or similar.

WorraLiberty · 26/09/2014 19:28

There's no magic formula but assertiveness comes more naturally to some people than others.

Sometimes the people for whom it doesn't come naturally, can come across as a bit moany or aggressive rather than assertive and that can make people feel awkward.

Original poster

slinkyfiggy · 26/09/2014 19:29

Oh no Worra, I really hope I don't come across like that. I don't think I do

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/09/2014 19:31

My friend has this problem. She was always "the baby" of her other friendship circle, with whom I avoid socialising. She went away for a year on her own.

She's come back really quite different to how they liked her being, she isn't "the baby" anymore and they don't like it.

WorraLiberty · 26/09/2014 19:32

Sorry I wasn't saying I think you are. I was more or less thinking out loud

Actually I had my friend's Mum in mind

bodhranbae · 26/09/2014 19:32

There is a lot of sexism in people's dislike of assertiveness - women are still expected to be passive and compliant and accommodating.

LadyLuck10 · 26/09/2014 19:33

I mentioned aggressiveness because it reminded me of a friend of mine who went through something similar. It was great that she began to speak up for herself, but in the beginning she sort of got the 'timings' wrong. Eg. She would be assertive over the tiny things which made her seem aggressive iyswim?

ProfYaffle · 26/09/2014 19:34

I think you're right. I'm not bad at assertiveness these days, people definitely don't like it when you don't roll over!

I also loathe waiting to pay in a restaurant, dh and I now just go over to the till/bar with coats on and announce that we're paying now. Tends to produce a bill quite quickly!

Munchmallow · 26/09/2014 19:42

My counsellor told me that no-one would like the new assertive me, because I don't conform to their image of 'me'.

They all had to get used to it though

Teeb · 26/09/2014 19:43

Mm I agree with mrsWinnibago I don't like people speaking on my behalf as it were, some peoples assertive is another persons rude.

Charitybelle · 26/09/2014 19:54

I've always been naturally quite assertive, and you're right, it's not often a well liked quality (especially in women unfortunately).
However I don't think I'm ever rude, I hate confrontation and am very polite with service staff in restaurants/shops etc. As long as you get your point across and make sure you're heard, there's never any need to be rude or aggressive. If you're sure you're not being aggressive, then I would suggest it's just people reacting badly to you having a voice for a change. Stick at it, it may cause short term pain, but you'll be so much happier in the long run. Being able to express who you are and what you need/want will make you much happier.

BitchPeas · 26/09/2014 19:56

My counsellor told me the same as munch she was right.

A little over a year later and people seem to have accepted the new me! It was a bit hairy for a while though, but coming out the other side I'd say people definitely respect me more and no one has said I am aggressive (I'm surrounded by opinionated gob shites so if I was they would tell me!)

BitchPeas · 26/09/2014 20:02

And I agree we Teeb too. I don't fight other peoples battles or make a scene, I'm still as laid back as I was when I was a pushover, so the restaurant situation would not have bothered me iyswim. If I desperately had to leave id get up and go to the bar etc as pp said. I think that is what being assertive is. So pointing out to the manager how long you had been waiting etc could have been seen as aggressive depending on your tone.

KnackeredMuchly · 26/09/2014 20:04

People just don't like change

SouthernShepherdess · 26/09/2014 20:08

Nope! They bloody don't! My sister who still thinks she's big sister even though we are 35 and 45 respectively feels the need to cause a bit of friction on my fb page when I seem to be having a good time with a fb friend from Canada..me and my Canadian friend are very close and she so obviously has the green-eyed monster..I am sick of her shit so I assertively PM'd her and told her that I basically thought the whole thing was ridiculous etc She did not like it one bit!! And then she twisted it as if I was the one with the problem!! Now she wonders why she remains blocked on fb!

Smilesandpiles · 26/09/2014 20:21

Oooh, I'm having this problem at the moment! Fallen out with both neighbours because of I won't be taken for a fool this.

I'll comment properly when I've read your thread more.

MrsWinnibago · 26/09/2014 20:22

My sister became more assertive as she got older and unfortunately in her, the trait DID seem a bit snappy and bossy and short rather than assertive. I think she tried too hard...she also began doing that humour where you put someone down....now I have another sister who does this brilliantly...she knows JUST how rude to be in order to have someone in stitches...and she never does it to people she isn't certain can take it...but then my other sister began trying it and it just seemed bitchy! Bless her. I do love her though.

Smilesandpiles · 26/09/2014 20:29

No, they don't like it at all. It's almost amusing once you get over the shock of their reaction. As another poster said, it's very empowering and one I can see getting easier the more you do it.

Original poster

slinkyfiggy · 26/09/2014 22:19

Regarding DH not liking my assertiveness, I think it's a case of him not liking the fact that I ask him to do things now for the children or in the house. I have been a total pushover before and he's got away with rather a lot. I have always tried to please him I guess, and he doesn't like it that I won't do as he says now.

OP posts:

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