to be upset and furious with dh over this?

[UsedToBeAPaxmanFan]

Ds1 has had some issues with depression over his teenage years. He has seen professionals and been offered counselling (which he refused). Things got very bad a couple of years ago, culminating in him refusing to go to school, and threatening suicide.

School were brilliant, and one of his teachers gave him loads of support. He really improved, returned to school, and is currently doing well. He developed some friendships which have been very important for him.

However, this term things seem to have slipped again. He has started not going to classes (year 13), and is clearly starting to be depressed. He told us he is now seeing a counsellor.

When I got home from work yesterday, he told me he was feeling a bit better. He also told me that he had felt very low a couple of weeks earlier and had phoned the Samaritans a few times, which had been really helpful. I was shocked as I hadn't realised just how bad things were for him.

When dh got in I spoke to him straight away, only to have him tell me that he'd known ds had phoned the Samaritans (ds told him the day he first phoned) but hadn't thought to tell me as "it wasn't important". Dh said he hadn't thought ds was suicidal, just in need of someone objective to listen to him, so didn't think it wss worth mentioning. Just to clarify, ds didn't ask him not to tell me.

AIBU to think that dh should have shared this info with me? We are trying to support ds as best we can, although he doesn't want to talk to us about his depression. To me, ringing the Samaritans is a huge deal, and I can't believe dh didn't let me know how bad things were for ds. I am so upset, as there are perhaps some things I would have done differently with ds had I been aware.

I would say keeping lines of communication open was paramount. Between all of you. I would be angry with DH too. This must be very hard on you.

You are not being unreasonable! Your husband should have told you. How on earth could he think "it wasn't important"..... but the thing is, how do you go forward? Can you have a healthy conversation with him about what you might have done differently, and why you feel the way you do? at least to get him to share more in the future? You do need to be a team, but you can't if you don't know important information.

Good luck, and I hope your ds gets the help he needs.

I can understand why you are upset, and think that your DH should have informed you. But it's also possible that 'phoning the Samarritans' is a huge deal in your mind and a symbol of something massive that was 't actually such a big deal fir your DS. And that this was communicated in his conversations with your DH. That to your DS and DH it was 'talking to someone on the phone a few times' in the same way be might have said he talked to a friend, whereas you have taken it as a huge symbol of something dramatic, if you see what I mean.

'Phonkng the Samaritsns' seems to conjour an image in your head.

Honestly, it sounds like you're feeling very stressed and upset and it's coming out with this as the focus. You're both under stress. Phoning the Samaritans doesn't necessarily mean someone is in crisis - but I don't think this is the real issue.

The real issue is probably that you feel upset, worried and a bit powerless, and need to look after your own feelings too.

I can see why you'd be upset, but I agree with the other posters who say that phoning the Samaritans doesn't have to be a worrying thing. Your DH encouraged him to call them to speak to somebody objective - I'm guessing this means somebody who won't try to influence him and will simply listen and be there for him. I'm a Samaritan and we get far more calls which are de-escalation and offloading than suicidal.

Definitely talk to your DH about how you're feeling. You have to look after each other, too.

Sorry, I misread - your DH didn't encourage him to call them. It's good that your son felt able to share that he called Samaritans, IMO.

Thanks for all your responses. I think I have an (erroneous?) image of the Samaritans being for people in extreme crisis. You're all probably right, and dh really didn't see it in this way. Hevdid say that hevthoughtbds was using it as an objective g"sounding board".

I am very stressed and upset, but ds seems to be a bit better. It's hard because he won't talk to us about what's wrong.

I'll talk to dh (calmly!!) this evening.

Thanks for your support.