DH birthday-wwyd?

[Sammy135]

My DH has a 'big' birthday coming up soon and I am organising a day for him and his friends. I am covering all costs and it's a surprise so I have been doing the inviting. Venue has max numbers (I'm not at the max) and it's expensive.

Emails have been going around to plan and after a few I noticed a new name appearing. One of the boys included the only one of DH friends who I dislike. The feeling is mutual, he has been horrible to me and many of his other friends dp's, to the point where friendships have been broken with others. Some of the boys, including my DH, appear to have this sense if loyalty and after a couple of weeks end up forgiving and forgetting.

I'm not 100 % sure if he genuinely wants to go or if this is just to wind me up as some of his replies are quite goady (I've yet to respond to am email since his addition). Do I suck it up and just include him at my expense? Email and find out if he is genuine? Doing this I run the risk of him saying yes, me paying and him not showing up on purpose to waste my money (yes!). Ignore him? Ignoring would be easiest but he is so twisted and underhand that it's best to be prepared with this guy! Other suggestions?

I do not like him, did not anticipate this addition as he has not socialised with us or others who are invited for months but would not line to spoil a fun day so am prepared to be told to suck it up!

Do you get on with the man who added this friend? Could you ask him why he did this (and, depending on the relationship whether he is paying for him)?

Erm no, you are organising and have not invited this person. No reason for them to be included, take them off the group email list. And what cheeky fucker added them to the recipient list?

I do get on with the guy who added him, although he does have a bit of a wooden spoon and is often encouraged by horrible friend to 'do this for a laugh' only to realise down the line it wasn't funny. He would just say he didn't realise then tell Nasty friend, so would add fuel to the fire. Nasty friend is quite clearly put out at not being included. (I sound like I'm speaking about 2 children here, my 5yo ds' party planning never involved this!)

Just tell goady he's paying then the joke's on him.

but you are doing the inviting.. not anyone else.

How do you think your DH would feel about gitfriend being left out? This is meant to be about DH rather than you. However, if he hasn't socialised with you all for months, it doesn't sound like DH would be so bothered (as I'm assuming he hasn't been bemoaning the lack of this person every time.)

How has he been added? Has anyone blatantly said, "Sammy, you forgot gitfriend, so I forwarded it on"? Or has he just been added in without anyone overtly saying so, someone just put in his address when they replied? Easier to ignore him if the latter, but depending on how you get on with the others, it might be possible to say

I think I'd probably do a new email thread to the original list ("last thread's getting a bit long, been a bit busy and haven't entirely kept on top of it, so here's my understanding of the latest,") and make sure that gitfriend wasn't included. I'd give a list of confirmations so far, which wouldn't include him. Obviously this might not work, as someone might say, "Don't forget gitfriend!"

I think if you end up with definite confirmation of him despite this, you'll have to just grit your teeth and cough up, but I'd be trying to avoid getting that confirmation.

Of course the other way to go is to be completely blatant about it, and mail everyone to say, "I do not like gitfriend, we have not seen him for months, and he wasn't invited for a reason as he is unpleasant company and causes ill-feeling with others. Please do not re-add him to this mail thread." However, the potential for this going very badly wrong is pretty high, unless you're sure most people have a similar opinion of him; the fact that someone has added him makes it seem unlikely that they all do. Still, if you did decide to go for this option, please do keep us updated on the fall-out!

Ah, some of that was answered while I was taking ages typing an essay...

Send proper invitations (emailed, by all means) requesting that they RSVP.

Somewhere on the invitation/email say that you have already booked a given number, and therefore that you ask that invited guests do not 'add/invite' anybody extra.

Send one to everyone who is invited.

Do not send one to the Nasty friend.

Is this a 'males only' birthday day out you are organising?

Unless you specifically tell the others that gitfriend isn't invited he might just show up, then what? Are you up for turning him away at the door?

DH wouldn't mind him not being invited to this, I've got 8 going, they are a large group of friends with some closer than others so even if DH was the one inviting he wouldn't be chosen over the other 7 guys I have said to. It's an adventure sports place, not really my scene so keeping this one guys only so I don't need to do it! We are having a large party for all friends and family too (DH and I planning) which he is invited to.

EBearhug- I would love to say he isn't invited but the fall out just isn't worth it. Of the 7 boys 2 would side with me and the rest wouldst stay quiet except the easily led one who included him. One has actually since emailed to ask if I want him to have a word with gitfriend.

I think I'll just send a quick reply to all saying thanks for confirming, sorry gitfriend I'm limited to 8 on this occasion but looking forward to seeing you at the big party.

If he turns up to the day out he turns up, I'll make sure to pay for 8 and he can deal with it!

Just tell gitfriend "If you do want to come, the cost will be £X and it needs to be paid to me by X Date" and let him pay for himself. If he says anything about you paying for everyone else just say "well yes, but I actually invited them, and I like them".
Say it deadpan, and casually, and then just move on. No drama, just truth
Life is too short to pander to tossers!

I think suggestion to nice as pie ask him to pay for himself if he's coming is valid. Explain it's an extra birthday treat on top of a party to which he's invited. (Right?) and you're limited by cost. Please don't be offended as there are many of dh's friends that I haven't been able to include for thus reason. Then keep on being nice but stick to your guns.

"Of the 7 boys"

Are they all very young? It certainly sounds as if they are. Why on earth would an adult feel free to invite Nasty Friend to something that they are not hosting.

"I'll just send a quick reply to all saying thanks for confirming, sorry gitfriend I'm limited to 8 on this occasion but looking forward to seeing you at the big party"

You have the answer.

Ring the one who added gitfriend (who would do something so rude?)

Ask him if he added gitfriend then as him to uninvite him now.

They arn't young, late 20s, early 30's. Gitfriend and the guy who invited him are just immature.

I emailed him today directly explaining it's part of DH birthday give and I limited to numbers due to cost. Pointed out he is welcome to attend but would be at his cost. No reply yet. I actually think he is just making a fuss more to annoy me as DH has hardly seen him for weeks and he hasn't made any effort during this time.

Cost is the major factor, the venue can accommodate 4 more but it's £85pp. I'm not going so it's not his presence that bothers me, it's just the fact that I have a budget that I'm not inclined to stretch to accommodate someone who DH hardly sees and has caused so much trouble for us over the years.

£85pp!!!!!

Definitely don't pay for him!

Give the venue the names of the invitees and make it very clear no one else will be paid for.

And the next email you send, start a new one addressed to just the people you've invited. That way he won't be included by you. You might even say something about "please don't copy this to people that I haven't invited and am not paying for".

You are paying £680 for your DH and his friends to have an adventure sport birthday outing? What are they doing ... microlighting to France; shooting silver bullets?

And he's having a large party, too!

Lucky man!

You're paying. He's been horrible to you.

DH has a gitfriend. I'd pay £39 to make sure he was dropped off at Birmingham when he meant to go to Crew.