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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visiting in laws

21 replies

notadoctor · 25/09/2014 23:08

I am actually pretty sure IABU but need help getting a better attitude!

It's my FIL birthday this weekend. He's working and we had plans to visit friends so were not going to visit for it. But our plans have been cancelled and BIL says he's going to go and stay as a birthday surprise and that we should to. I really don't want to because -

  • they live a 2hr drive away and DS (6mo) hates the car and will scream the whole way.
  • they have a big dog that DD (3yo) is terrified of.
  • DD is a crap sleeper (even worse when away from home) so I'll be knackered (and have to hear lots of "helpful" suggestions about how to get her to sleep)
  • everyone will be boozing and I can't because of breastfeeding I'll be looking after the kids single-handedly.

It feels like it's all the rubbish parts of going to stay with our friends without the fun parts. But I know it is the nice/ right thing to do. I need to stop being such a big selfish baby and go, don't I?

OP posts:
Original poster
notadoctor · 25/09/2014 23:10

They are also lovely BTW. Very sweet and kind-hearted and absolutely love the kids (just aren't v hands on with them)

OP posts:
HoldenMcGroin · 25/09/2014 23:13

How would the ILs cope with a sudden unexpected influx? Without notice, I mean?

I would send DH and stay home with the children, or suck up a long drive and do a day visit

Primafacie · 25/09/2014 23:15

Ah sorry, I can see your POV but yes, I'm afraid I think YABU. It is just one night! You can do it, you may be knacks red but you will have made others incredibly happy. The issue is kindness, not reasonableness. Do you thin of yourself as a kind person? If so, I would do it.

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 25/09/2014 23:18

Bollocks - sounds like a nightmare. Send your dp and stay home :-)

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 25/09/2014 23:21

Will your MIL and FIL want you all to turn up unannounced?
Will they have somewhere for you all to stay if you don't give them fair warning?
What if they have made plans with friends?

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/09/2014 23:24

People coming to stay with me 'as a surprise' is my idea of a nightmare.

Primafacie · 25/09/2014 23:35
  • knackered and think! Stupid iPad.
Original poster
notadoctor · 25/09/2014 23:42

Thanks for your replies! My MIL is in on BIL and his wife coming so they definitely don't have other plans and they have tons of space. I think in the morning I might be less gutted about our original plans changing and therefore feel more generous spirited! Prima - what you say about thinking of myself as a kind person really strikes a chord... Thank you!

OP posts:
Couchkitten · 25/09/2014 23:46

I feel like this everytime I go to see inlaws...just not worth the journey with a baby and the strange house for night time ect.. ect.. and they drives me round the bend (even though they mean well)

Grin and bear it. Good luck!

zipzap · 25/09/2014 23:49

Does BIL have any kids too? Say that you'd prefer to go another week to make the fun spread out a bit longer. Then at least you only have your own dc to worry about and no others...

Say that you're really exhausted and not up to it, and go another time!

Ron99 · 26/09/2014 05:14

If people turned up as a 'surprise' and expected to sleep over I'd be annoyed. Your bil is being selfish.

bebebringingup · 26/09/2014 05:25

Oh god, coming to stay as a 'surprise'. My parents would love it (only their kids though, nobody else- my 29 year old brother still turns up when he feels like it) but I would hate it.

I think you are talking yourself out of it and just putting barriers in the way of going to see them so YABU for that but YANBU for not wanting to do the suggested surprise.

ILovePud · 26/09/2014 06:32

I'm intrigued as to why it's your BIL is the one pushing for this and you make no mention of what your DH wants. I think on balance, given what you've said you should go. Some aspects of the trip are going to be unavoidably difficult but can you talk to DH about how the difficulties with the dog, child's sleep and unsolicited advice can be managed? I think where they concern his family he should be addressing them and he should share the nightshift.

Iggi999 · 26/09/2014 06:38

Being left alone to mind the dcs and cope with the sleep issues is not an inevitable part of the weekend, that comes down to how decent a person your dh is.
He can agree (in advance!) to look after them for a certain amount of the time, especially to be on dog duty.

diddl · 26/09/2014 07:14

Send husband & daughter?

riverboat1 · 26/09/2014 07:15

I think either you should all go, or DH go alone, or DH go with DD. You could make a nice call to FIL on the day to explain you are exhausted and 6mo doesn't travel well yet but you hope he has a lovely day.

Icimoi · 26/09/2014 07:42

YANBU. Why subject DS to 4 hours of something he hates, or DD to several hours' fear of the dog?

moxon · 26/09/2014 07:59

Let dh take dd and you plead a bit of calm and bonding time with ds.

MrTumblesSpottyHag · 26/09/2014 11:28

I'd definitely send DH with DD and make the most of staying home with DS!

diddl · 26/09/2014 12:10

When I suggested sending husband & daughter i forgot that she is frightened of ILs dog.

Original poster
notadoctor · 26/09/2014 22:49

Well, we didn't go! DH called this morning to scope it out and it sounded like they had a nice day planned. So, hopefully they'll have had a fun boozy time with BIL and his partner (they don't have kids). And we're going to see them in a few weeks. Hopefully everyone's a winner this way!

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