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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I paranoid or is this woman seriously disturbed?

47 replies

PercyPigFan · 25/09/2014 20:36

Have NCd for this for reasons that will become obvious.
I have three brothers, I'm second child, the problem is with the wife of my middle brother.
We've never really seen eye to eye, (my brother and I don't either) but we tolerate each other for the sake of the larger family.
But over the last few years it's got slowly worse, to the extent that she snipes at me every time she sees me and slags me off to others (who then tell me).
But now I think that not only is she spying on me, she's also telling ridiculous lies about me and my family.

A few times she's mentioned things I have posted on here, including one post I hadn't discussed at all in RL. Not specifically but just generalising, almost as if she thinks I've ID'd myself and is trying to test the water.

But what happened yesterday was just incredible. She's PG and went for a routine scan. She phoned my mum and said there was a problem and she had to wait for tests so could my mum pick her kids up from school. This was at about 11ish.

She eventually picked them up at 6, telling my mum all was clear on the scan but she had been there all day waiting around. She noticed a book I had dropped round and asked when I'd been round (like it matters).

My mum said 3ish,I had stayed for a cup of tea.
SiL said: "That's strange, she normally spends time with her OH when he's off and doesn't come round."
My mum said: "No, he's not off, he's at work."
SiL: " I went past their house at 3 and his car was outside."

It's quite distinctive so she wouldn't be mistaken.

My mum insisted it wasn't then SiL said: " Well, I don't tell lies so SOMEONE is up to SOMETHING." Implying basically that my OH was lying about going to work.

Firstly, I was in till 2.45 and he definitely was not there then! His shift started at 12.
Secondly, he works in a prison so he can't exactly come and go as he pleases. Also, I have no reason to think he isn't at work.
Thirdly, she had NO reason to pass my house at that time as it's not on any route she needs to take.
Most importantly SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN HOSPITAL! Why was she even driving anywhere, let alone past my house to make up total bullshit?

AIBU to feel like she's overstepped the mark?? My OH, who doesn't mince his words, thinks she's "mental" and we should report her to the police but I don't think making up utter bollocks is actually a crime.

I'm not really sure what I'm after, just needed to vent. And I don't care if she reads it, she might realise it's about her and fuck off out if my life.

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 25/09/2014 22:31

Driving by someone's house and the discussing it with family is NOT stalking.

DoJo · 25/09/2014 22:32

It sounds to me like she is a fantasist who isn't even bright enough to ensure that her lies are believable. Someone who can't remember whether she's supposed to be in hospital on the day she was supposed to be there isn't really worth worrying about. If she were clever and cunning then I could see how you might be concerned, but she isn't exactly a threat if this is the best she can do...

unhappyfatmama · 25/09/2014 22:34

Is that the only strange thing shes done?

EleanorRigsby · 25/09/2014 22:43

Not sure how a NC is going to help your anonymity if your SiL is on here. You've been extremely specific in describing the situation.
As long as no one else is taking her seriously, then just ignore.

slithytove · 26/09/2014 00:04

Eleanor - it means this post is not linked to ops past posts

Ron99 · 26/09/2014 05:07

Your sil sounds bitchy and unhinged but you've played right into her hands as she will be stalking you on here.

Original poster

PercyPigFan · 26/09/2014 08:23

Just to clarify, OH was angry that for no obvious reason she'd essentially accused him of lying, and obviously he knows it's not illegal, but he thinks she's bordering on harassment and is going to speak to someone at work to see if they agree.
I pulled him up on the "mental" thing, but as I said, he was angry at her.
And Ron99 that isn't a problem, if she reads it, she reads it. She shouldn't be so nasty as for me to have to post about her, should she?

OP posts:

MrsCosmopilite · 26/09/2014 08:51

I don't think there is cause to report her to the police as you/DH weren't aware until she admitted driving past that she was checking up on/stalking you.

I would have pulled her up on 'passing' the house when she was supposedly in hospital though.

If the family have noticed increasingly erratic behaviour then could her DH intervene and suggest she seeks medical help? Could it be any form of paranoia or similar associated with pregnancy/pnd?

Ron99 · 26/09/2014 08:56

PercyPig you are obviously one strong woman all power to you. No she shouldn't be so nasty. Silly woman making an enemy out of you, DH and your mum. Stay strong

ArsenicFaceCream · 26/09/2014 09:13

One incident of supposedly having passed your house and noticed the car (or not) isn't harassment

Please try and dissuade him from speaking to someone at work (the prison?) about it. I understand that she's annoying but your OH is going to make himself sound incredibly petty if he tries to make a criminal issue of any kind out of this.

Just laugh at her, apparently good-humouredly, but openly - "What a strange thing to say Sandra, maybe you had too much sun"; "Sandra said that? How Odd! She does like her little jokes!".

You are giving her the reaction she is hoping for if you are frothing, and trying to construct harassment cases and seething and discussing here there and everywhere.

BerylStreep · 26/09/2014 09:32

I would ask family not to repeat the things she says or does. Tell them you're not interested.

I would also ask your DM not to disclose any info to her, such as when you were at the house.

I can't ever envisage a situation where I would question my MIL about the comings and goings of my SILs (her daughters) and I imagine she would give me short shrift if I tried, given that it is none of my business. It is odd that your DM felt compelled to answer her. Is your SIL quite a domineering personality?

It sounds to me that she is trying to shit stir. The clear implication is that your DH was at home having an affair or some such.

I would name change here (however it would be solo tempting to post made up scenarios to see if she falls for them - petty & evil though it would be)

Simile · 26/09/2014 12:38

I would tell your friends and family that you don't want to hear about what she says. Their stirring is making the drama worse. Far better to tell them to ignore her, then any drama she tries to create is contained and does not have any effect on you.

Vintagejazz · 26/09/2014 12:42

"I would ask family not to repeat the things she says or does. Tell them you're not interested"

This. Repeating things she's said is just giving them credence and the power to really upset you. I have no idea why your family keep passing on her nasty remarks and insinuations to you. They should just ignore her and keep changing the subject until she realises she's getting nowhere.

Vintagejazz · 26/09/2014 12:43

x post simile.

Groovee · 26/09/2014 13:07

My dh's SIL was like this. We didn't speak to her for 5 years. She's been on better behaviour since we have started speaking again. But she would drive past my house (which no one would need to do unless specifically coming to ours as it's in the back of an estate) and would go mental if dh had come home early, despite the fact he worked earlier hours than her dh. It was nightmare as you felt you couldn't do anything.

Don't rise to her bait. Just turn round and say "so what?" If she doesn't get the reaction it will get to her more!

Vitalstatistix · 26/09/2014 13:12

Sounds like she is trying to suggest that your husband is waiting for you to go out then coming home. That is strange of her.

I suggest that you tell everyone to STOP telling you what she says.

They are breaking their necks to bring it back to you and they need to stop. Tell them to never mention anything she says about you because you don't care and you don't want to know.

LumpenproletariatAndProud · 26/09/2014 13:15

I know the sensible thing would be to ignore her.

But if it was me? I wouldn't be able to help myself, Id be calling her on it. Id be asking her why she was driving past when she was at 'hospital'.

She is clearly trying to get someone in trouble, and she hasn't succeeded. I think she will try again until she does.

For that reason, rightly or wrongly, I wouldn't be willing to leave it.

AMumInScotland · 26/09/2014 13:17

My armchair-psychologist diagnosis is that she's shit stirring, rather than actually having MH issues - she quite deliberately asked your mum what time you were there before coming out with her story. She wants to make trouble.

And, by repeating it to you, your mum isn't really helping the situation. As others have said, ask her just not to bother you with it in future - you both know SIL is just making things up to cause trouble, so there's no benefit to anyone in passing on her silly stories, not even to say "You'll never guess what she came up with this time" - it just wastes more time and effort on her than she is worth.

Oh and yes to "I don't think making up utter bollocks is actually a crime" - mentioning to your mum that she had noticed your DH's car is not harassment, even if she made it up completely.

deakymom · 26/09/2014 13:29

a, call her on it b, lie and say his car broke down so he got a lift off a friend

Hissy · 26/09/2014 13:35

IF this woman says another thing, call her out on it!

Ask HER wtf SHE was doing if she wasn't in the hospital like she SAID she was.

and IF she wasn't at the hospital why had she dumped her kids on her MIL for the entire day.

I'd have to finish with a 'yeah, sounds like someone IS up to something indeed, wonder what DB will make of it....'

Pumpkinpositive · 26/09/2014 13:38

I would encourage him not to do this. He'll sound as unhinged as she is.

Unless she's parked outside your house peering in at all hours of the day and night.

Is it possible she fancies your husband?

Minisoksmakehardwork · 26/09/2014 21:14

As your dh works in a prison, the best thing you could do is report it to work. You don't have to be too specific, just that your sil appears to be watching your house and your husband's comings and goings and you are concerned as to her reasons.

They would be interested in it as for all you and they know, someone could be getting her to give them information without her even realising it, the old conditioning a person until they are so comfortable they'll do anything without really thinking because they trust the other person.

Dh's work had an incident a year or so ago where there was an identified threat towards another colleague and his family's safety. It was taken incredibly seriously. There was so much that was known, it could only have been passed on by someone close to the family.

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