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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it me?

13 replies

pieceofpurplesky · 25/09/2014 16:36

Another thread got me thinking. H and I separated 6 months ago, he broke my heart and I am still devastated.

He used to be a wonderful man but decided he didn't love me as I had no time for him whilst dealing with a miscarriage, dad's heart attack, having a gynaecological operation and the death of a close relative. He began a period of analysing everything we did and finding the negative in it, even if we had a great time. For example last time we DTD he said that it was great sex but he felt that it was just sex (it was a quicky when DS was out and hardly romantic love making session).

He would say these things and I would get upset - then he would twist it to being my fault. Fast forward six months and I had a complete breakdown caused by this and other odd behaviour from him (he never believed anything I said). I have behaved irrationally at times because of the breakdown, texting crap ten times a day and crying down the phone etc.

He is now saying the breakup was my fault because despite it being he that left because he didn't love me, my behaviour after that pushed him away. He is now telling people how stressed and sad he is, and that it is not his fault.

AIBU thinking that it is not my fault and I would have not behaved like this if he hadn't have pushed and pushed my emotions to breaking point? I am recovering slowly and am beginning to lose the guilt he laid on me.

OP posts:
rainbowinmyroom · 25/09/2014 16:38

Is it not your fault. He is a lying, vile bully. Don't buy into any of his guilt trips.

LadyLuck10 · 25/09/2014 16:47

It's not you, he didn't support you through those really difficult times and is twisting things around.
You both can go back and forth about whose fault it is, but it won't get you anywhere. Now that you've worked out his personality just have less to do with him and concentrate on yourself.

Balaboosta · 25/09/2014 16:49

Look forward to a wonderful awakening to freedom from guilt! Happened to me and I'm loving it. Fuck him and his nonsense! Time to live your life your own way.

ithoughtofitfirst · 25/09/2014 16:57

Naaah you're not at fault here, sounds like he just doesn't know what he wants and doesn't know why so he's blaming you. Give him a wide berth so he can work out his arse from his elbow and you can just get on with your life in peace.

Lonecatwithkitten · 25/09/2014 17:01

Manchild he didn't get much attention so threw his toys out f his pram.
He doesn't want to be the one who left so is throwing about blame.

redexpat · 25/09/2014 17:04

It's not you.

He is telling himself and others that it isn't his fault because he doesnt want to take responsibility for his (in)actions.

Hatespiders · 25/09/2014 19:06

You had all that to cope with and he was an absolute pig. Instead of supporting you lovingly and trying to get you through, he became more and more emotionally abusive. Good gracious, it isn't your fault in the least.
I'm sorry you've had a very rough time, but please stop blaming yourself. it's such a good thing he left, believe me. He didn't love you and would only have reduced you to a miserable blob.
One day not too distant you'll find a truly good man, and you'll see the enormous difference.

Nomama · 25/09/2014 19:27

Not you, honest!

Practice a hair flick, short bark of a laugh and the phrase 'Is he still peddling that crap?' Big grin, eye roll, change subject, move on...

My cousin uses 'As if...' - it is shorter and she gets a lovely, feral grin into it. Her ex is a total loon but sounds quite convincing to some.

Again, not you, he's just a bit of a twat!

pieceofpurplesky · 26/09/2014 00:11

Thank you. Sometimes I just feel he has won and I feel like the worst person in the world

OP posts:
Littlef00t · 26/09/2014 09:43

You had a breakdown as a result of his behaviour. It is not your fault. I can actually see the twisted logic that the door only closed when you started responding to his leaving, but it was 100% brought on by him and Not Your Fault.

GilesGirl · 26/09/2014 09:50

Your STBXH is a dickhead. Well rid.

Only1scoop · 26/09/2014 09:53

One day you will thank your lucky stars that this manipulative pig is not in your life anymore. He should have been your support at those times of need.

It's not you.

Those you care about will know the truth it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

pieceofpurplesky · 26/09/2014 09:59

Thank you. It's just so difficult! I have been emotionally battered by it all

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