to ask for as much advice as possible. Non judgemental please!

[needacosmo]

Have name changed for this as Im a regular poster, and posted here for traffic as I dont have anybody to talk to right now.

I have a 17 month old from a previous relationship, we split when he was just weeks old as the DV got too bad. I was very lucky I had people around me to access the right support ect and get on my feet.

When DC was only a few months old I met DP, I was very reluctant to go out with him but friends and family encouraged me to take a chance, I deserved to have a date after all id been through ect. Things moved quite fast, It was like a whirlwind. I've never felt this way about anybody before because he is so different to everybody. He just entertwined into our lives, DC adores him and he is a brilliant role model. He is a strong, respectful well mannered funny man who is like an absolute livewire he's just always so happy and really sweet and romantic.

Im 9 weeks pregnant with our first child, (my second) and we are both really excited, like I say DP is extaticly happy 99% of the time, its infectious to be around. He confided in me a few days ago though that he has bipolar disorder. Its never been diagnosed, because hes never been for help but he is sure of it and he said he has been for years. I think I had known this for a little while or suspected but not broached it because he mentioned other people that have it a lot and he wanted to tell me.

Hes in a really overly happy state most of the time that everybody loves and is infectious to be around but then occasionally he said he gets really down. He just gets really depressed over stupid things and has tried to take his own life a couple of times, He keeps saying im his saviour. He said he once wrote a suicide note because there was too much poverty in the world. When hes like this he said he just likes to be on his own in bed and cry, he said it feels like a break up in a film, he just wants ice cream and happy films.

Were late 20s, and Im just feeling really lost now. Im trying not to treat him any different because he is still the man I love, but my own mind is playing tricks on me and im wondering if he really does love me or if its just the bipolar. Im scared of things falling apart now im pregnant again and being in the same boat I was when I had DC, even though I know DP would never be violent.

I cant really talk to anybody, He is adamant he is coping with it well (which he does seem to be if nobody suspects), so he doesnt want to talk to a doctor or access any help. He is outright against medication because his nature is so happy most of the time he says he doesnt want to lose that feeling or numb it in any way which I can understand, but also because he doesnt want to actually be diagnosed as he is training to be a teacher and is scared he wont get a job. But im wondering how he will cope in that job without treatment and support. I mean hes coped for years with it but im just so scared now.

Is there anybody here who has any advice? Who has been in a relationship with somebody with bipolar disorder or maybe lived with them? Or even if you have it yourself? I could really use some.

Thank you!

I think you need to encourage him to seek medical help. Especially if you're having a child together. I'm sure with the right support you could both work with it.

I have depression.

Some days I need to just snuggle down, have a bit of a cry and be left alone.

Treat like any other illness. Like if a friend with a bad back couldn't go swimming with you that day or something.

It's not you, it's him. Don't take it personally.

He sounds like he has a handle on it and knows what he needs.

How does he know he definitely has bipolar ? My mum has bipolar only been taking meds for a few years , I suspect shes always had it alot longer. I would speak to a professional they really don't judge.

He or you shouldnt be embarrassed honestly.

Having a kid opens up another ball game, he (and you) needs to see a doctor and have a plan for what happens if things start to go down. Its no good addressing when things are bad, he should be proactive about it. Sure it may only happy rarely but with kids involved that rarely matters.
You've been within him - what less than a year and a half? You've no idea how this may impact him, you or the kids. Urge him to see a doctor or professional

Thank you, yes deXavia, thats what scares me, not being able to control or predict the impact it will have on the kids.

Misstired he says hes known about ten years, that he has done charts for months at a time with his moods and feelings and everything just fits but he is completely unwilling to seek help.

He wont get help because of his career, but (and i mean shout me down if IABU, Im not being judgemental I genuinely want opinions from people), Is it safe for someone to be training as a teacher who is undiagnosed/treated bipolar. Im thinking of the kids, I trust him completely with mine, 100% and it does just seem to be a happy/sad thing I know he wouldnt be innapropriate or put them at risk in that way but it worries me that if its untreated, what if some kid in a class pushes him and he breaks down? Hes come back from social things a few times just so so down and Im just not sure what to do.

I want to speak to his mum (his family dont know, but they know he has tried to take his life in the past and that he gets down sometimes). I feel selfish though, I know his mum would want to know and would be someone for me to talk to as shes lovely, someone to keep an eye on him but I dont want to break his trust and I know 100% that he would know Id told her. She would unwittingly start probing him and trying to talk to him about it and I know it would send him down again. I just dont know what to do.

I'm a psychiatrist. It sounds like bipolar disorder to me.

He really needs help. The treatments now are excellent. Someone who has attempted suicide isn't really coping that well, are they? Around 20% of the deaths in bipolar disorder are due to suicide so it needs taking very seriously.

He may believe you're his saviour, but you can't be. It's like saying a relationship can protect from you a broken leg or cancer, it's just not possible. It puts a lot of pressure on you, it's very unfair.

Poor sleep is one of the biggest precipitants for an acute episode in bipolar disorder. If you're 9 weeks pregnant, his sleep is about to get pretty sparse! Treatments take several weeks-months to reach full effect. If he gets help now he should be pretty well by the time baby arrives and he'll be much better prepared for it.

People worry that drugs will flatten their mood. We are well aware that people prefer to run slightly high and so we don't over medicate.

In terms of getting a job, this diagnosis won't stop him working as a teacher. What will stop him is being poorly treated for a potentially serious illness, that could deteriorate quickly and mean he either has lots of time off or does something ill thought out that will affect his career!

Bottom line, really try and persuade him to see his GP.

so everything was ok right up until this point?
has the man you loved changed?

I have a couple of friends with mild bi-polar.When they are high they love life,survive on very little sleep,have boundless energy and one of them invariably sets up a new business and spends too much money. When they are 'down' they see the GP and get some anti-depressants to help them through. I think if the 'highs' are manageable,it is pointless to medicate but just be aware that you might need to oversee the finances over that period and make sure any major financial decisions are made jointly....don't be swept away by the enthusiasm. The down times will be tough but at least with bi-polar you know the mood will eventually normalise and then start to go high again. Try and keep things steady for the kids as one of my friends used to totally lose all routine when high and the kids would be dragged all over the place and be kept out late at night and try and cram too much in and they would end up exhausted. It will be manageable and if you really love him you will find a way to make it work.I am sure there will be MN mums living in similar circumstances.At least he will have you near to monitor how low he gets and you can seek help if necessary. All the best.

You must make sure he goes to the doctor for a referral and gets a proper diagnosis and medication if required.

I know someone who is bi-polar and like your DP they are fine 99% of the time. They have only had one or two "big" breakdowns but both resulted in hospital treatment.

Also, at your booking appointment you must tell your midwife of any psychological illness that either parent may have.

it must be very overwhelming for you both but your DP must have a formal diagnosis.

The above advice isn't right.

Medication helps to even out moods, stopping the highs and the lows.

Getting antidepressants for the lows without proper bipolar treatment is dangerous, as it's likely to precipitate a manic or possibly psychotic phase.

He really needs to see a GP. There'll be no judging of any sort, this kind if thing is bread and butter to our services.

babyk I've had my booking appointment and diddnt mention it, because at the time DP had not told me. Hes told me since, should I be mentioning it to the midwife even if he hasn't gone to the Dr or got a Diagnosis?

Creampie, Thank you so much. Thats pretty much what I was thinking its just getting him to go to the GP thats the hardest bit. Hes just outright against it. He is under the impression you have to declare it for teaching jobs and they wont hire him so he just wants to manage on his own. I think he might do better with a diagnosis and support and treatment though. I just want to help him.

He's ok now. What happens when next manic episode he decides to spend all your savings and credit cards for a luxury vacation?

If he has bipolar he needs to be on medication.

However, seeing as how he's got it managed at this moment, talk to him about it, and make an agreement that next time he's depressed he'll get on the medication to even out his moods. This really needs to be a deal breaker. It's not fair on any child to have a parent with untreated mental illnesses. Speaking from experience, it's pure hell.

Sorry for misadvice. The friend I mention refuses to accept she is bi-polar so only tells her GP when she is low.Fortunately for her so far she has not had any psychotic episodes either high or low but I can see how this could happen if you stayed on the antidepressants when mood was lifting again. I think his teaching career is more likely to crash and burn if he does not get help and advice as he will not be teaching well when he is very high (it is quite exhausting to spend any period of time with someone who is very high because of the pressure of speech and failure to take turns in conversation )
and will be off sick alot when he is low.

he tried to take his own life and not been diagnosed properly? if eh really did this at some point then surely medical profession were involved? or not??/

he cannot diagnose himself - he needs to go to GP - he could ask for counselling at this point?

bipolar untreated would be risk... so he needs to get diagnosed and treatment lined up access to treatment if he does want to kill himself again... .

if he already has a job they wont sack him - unless he does get v. manic or extremely low and it impact s on his teaching.

it isn't fair on you to tell you he has a condition and then say oh but it isn't diagnosed or treated.

yes mention to your midwife.

you haven't know him very long really have you? less than two years ?? so you don't know what he can be like when down if he does have some kind of bipolar illness.

you are not and cannot be his saviour.

get yourself set up with lots of support
be ready to get his family to step in to support him.

have a plan.

if ever he gets v low and you concerned call 999.

Vdb, I take issue with this idea that if the op really loves him, that she will make it work. This isn't a disney movie. The op may really love him and it may still not work. You can't love someone so much that they no longer struggle with a mental illness and you shouldn't be forced to continue with relationship with someone if their mental illness makes their, or their children's life a misery.

Not that it will do that, just that it may, and that she is not a lesser person if she has to jump ship for her own well being.

Definitely call up midwife and ask for appt to chat. Even if he is not officially diagnosed, he has obv done enough research to make him think he is.

I've had mental heath issues in the past and although I feel awkward talking about it the midwife needs to know so she can help me and my hubby look out for PND. When your new baby is here the dynamics in your family will change and no one knows how he will react, could easily end up in a massive high or low.

Thank you. The way he has been the last week coupled with everything else. I'm just all over the place myself. I just feel irrationally upset and really passed off with everything, I know that's probably just pregnancy hormones but not having anyone to talk to about it all is really not helping. I had to move areas because of the domestic abuse and I just feel like everything's a mess now. I don't know how to help him and just feel so sad for him. I kind of want to go back to before I knew. I just want to know things are going to be ok. I wish he would at least go to the doctors and talk about it.

He would have to declare it on the employment health check things but they can't ask for those before offering you a job and can't then say 'oh actually you can't work here' it would be disability discrimination.

You also have to declare it on your driving lisence (which then gets restricted) and to insurance companies. And various other annoying bits and pieces.

It's worth it though. He's a dsf and soon to be a df - he needs to take responsibility for his health. He's managed ok without medication so far but that doesn't mean he always will or that it won't impact on your relationship / your children.

Going and getting a proper diagnosis doesn't mean he will immediately have to take tablets but would mean he could put plans and support in place for if his moods are particularly low or high.

Thankyou creampie I,m a RMN with over twenty years experience I was just getting annoyed with the incorrect advice people really shouldn't comment about medication when they don't know what they are talking about!