AIBU to want my name to be written before DH's?

[FickleByNurture]

I've been doing a lot of paperwork recently, making a few big purchases and talking to loads of banks/solicitors. I have done all this and DH hasn't so much as spoken to a single one.

For some of these things DH is involved as a token second party and for some of the others he has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Despite that, every single bloody letter I've received has been addressed to "Mr J Fickle and Ms B Fickle". It's making me disproportionately cross. If DH hasn't been involved at all its easy to get them to take his name off, but WIBU to ask that they put me as the primary correspondent?

No not at all, I'm at home on maternity leave (hurry up baby) and our broadband has developed a fault. I can't even sort it out because the company won't speak to me as the account is primarily in DH's name. We didn't specify this and and we pay out of our joint account so I'm left paying for something that I have no control over. I'm then stuck with nagging DH as soon as he comes home to sort out something I'm quite able to do myself.

It annoys me too!!

I admit that so far everyone has been happy to talk to me. Really gets my back up that they send stuff to my email address with his name prioritised. It annoys him too.

Was tempted to post this in feminism

I'm the first-named account holder on most household paperwork. They'd be in sole names, but for the fact that I've requested that DH's name be added so that he can deal with things too.
There doesn't seem to be any neat way of expressing the names in that order - for some reason they invariably end up being addressed to Mrs BB Buggered and Mister DH Buggered. Maybe the systems don't permit the Mr to come second? Whatever the reason, it looks very peculiar.

No YANBU. The estate agents we are buying through do this. I went into their online profile bit and swapped our names around so I was listed first... it fucked up their system and the emails I got sent (to MY account) which used to be addressed to 'Mr and Mrs Blueberry' started coming through as 'Mrs and Mrs Curly'. The estate agent then rang me up, asked my husband's first name and changed it back!!

Why does it matter really?

Doesn't bother me. What does annoy me is the bank sending the same letter out twice one to me, one to him, on the same day regarding our joint account.

It bothers both of us because, in the first instance it is little or nothing to do with him and secondly (and more abstractly) it pisses me off that there are assumptions made or that there are few provisions made for the woman to be the leading party. Why are we still almost exclusively putting the man first?

I could deal with Mr and Mrs Fickle as that rolls off the tongue easier but we don't actually have the same last names.

Yes I understand why it annoys you.

It doesn't matter though. It makes no difference to anything does it?

We recently moved house, I sorted all paperwork and correspondence with banks, solicitor etc in both our names, everything came back addressed to Mr MiddletonPink then me. I couldn't care less.

It made no difference to anything.

YANBU, I own a house that I let out. When the agents came round to view it I was working so my fiancé showed them round. I was very clear that it was my house and not jointly owned but they still put his name on the letters, and I had to get them to re-do the contract as they still put his name on it.

YANBU - I have always done all the household admin and after we got married I got really cheesed off that everything listed dh first. I did ask the bank to write Mrs and Mr and they did manage initially but then corrected themselves.

Clearly it makes no difference to my daily life - but it is another small indication that we are still living in a patriarchal society where men are assumed to be in charge.

For the ones where they wrongly assumed it was a joint venture it does. If Mr Fickle and I had been on the brink of divorce then he may have been able to try and get half of it.

For the ones where he is a token signatory it is less of an issue I admit but some places do then assume that he is the primary contact and prioritise him in communications. He then has to ask them to contact me as he knows nothing about it.

This is why I like the RSPB - they send correspondence to Mrs R and Doctor D Dalek.

It does matter though. I'm dealing with a company that will not speak to me without my DH's permission even though the bill comes out of our joint account. Seriously if I ring up, I have to hand him the phone and he has to 'allow' me to speak to them.

The assumption by this company is that as a man, my DH is in charge of finances, absolutely not true in our house.

Drives me disproportionately nuts too. Particularly with the school - DP I hasn't signed a single form or written any correspondence to them. They only know he exists because he's named as the father on the pupil info sheet. Yet all correspondence comes to Mr Nevercorrespondedwithschool and Miss AnnaDoreta!

I get cross with myself for getting cross about it.

I think I might join the RSPB now just so I can get some post addressed appropriately!

YANBU this drives me nuts and actually it does matter. I have my own company with my DH listed as a secondary non shareholding director but he gets letters all the time inviting him to take out this or buy that etc. and I get none. When I see the companies that do this I make a point of never using them and tearing up their letters.

There is no reason for any company not to be able to write your name first, none at all.

I bet the company that a few have mentioned is Sky. They have my DH as the account holder and won't speak to me despite me paying half the effing bill.

It annoys me too. I do all the household admin and most of it is addressed to DP alone. However, it did mean that when we had over 6 months of problems with the billing of our Broadband after an upgrade to "Unlimited", DP was the one that had to spend hours on the phone to India!

When your husband isn't back until 7pm and it's you who will be in to take delivery of the dishwasher it's utter madness they need to discuss the delivery time with DH.

Banks duplicating letters on joint accounts, I think, is a legal thing about informing all customers about changes in conditions or interest rates.

Very irritating because you get 2 copies of the very dull leaflet your not going to read.

The one that really gets my goat is when I am sent correspondence in my DH first name, so Mrs Brian Gubbings instead of Mrs Felicity Gubbins.
I get the rage and shout at the envelope that I do actually have a first name of my own …

It is annoying but just to counter this I recently had to ask an estate agent to add DH to a contract. They'd forgotten he was a joint owner of our flat because he never talks to them Is it possible to secretly love an estate agent, even just a little? :)

Can't say I have really experienced this.

OH and I are not married, I am called Mrs Preston ( not my real name) as I kept my married name after I divorced my ex.

OH is call ( lets say ) Stuart Brown, he often gets referred to as Mr Preston. Luckily he sees the funny side.

What does hack me off is my elderly aunt sending christmas cards to "Mr & Mrs Brown- she knows we are not even married. I guess she doesn't want the postie to know our dirty secret.

They are sending your husband documents and correspondence that has nothing to do with him, of course it matters!

Oof don't get me started on elderly aunts. Our Christmas cards for a while had my name in quote marks. (DH's family)