To wonder why all my friends seem to do this?

[fourhoursin]

Expect me to offer sympathy and to agree with them if they have problems or issues with someone, but whenever it's me with any problems or issues they just remain neutral, with a 'hmmm' or no acknowledgement that I've said anything.

A friend spent ages this morning telling me about a falling out she has had with another friend of hers, and I was expected to be up in arms, say all the right thing and agree with her. I then told her about an issue with my mother and just got the usual non-committal, neutral 'hmmm'.

Does anyone else find this with their friends?

No. I don't surround myself with self-absorbed people.

No, because my friends nowadays are real friends.

I don't think it's self absorption, more that no one ever wants to put themselves out to support/agree with me. I suppose it's the old thing about people not wanting to get involved in things, even by making a comment.

I am, with a friend I thought was a good friend :(

I've recently realised who my friends are after a spell in hospital

I have.

2

Not one other person asked how I was or had asked since

So I've ditched the other fuckers and am concentrating on maintaining those relationships. Perhaps you need to do the same?

How do you know you were expected to be up in arms about it?
What would happen if you said hmmm to them?

Lots of people are like this, only a few care. Took me a long time to realise this and I am very selective who I talk to in real life. It's selfish of them to expect you to sympathise yet they don't support you in return.

Yes! I have a friend who I always thought I got on really well with. Then I realised that she's only animated when she's talking and I'm actively listening to her - empathising/agreeing/referencing previous situations she's been in.

Then when I say something...tumbleweed.

I actually distanced myself from her a bit when I had a situation recently that had really quite upset me and she was SO dismissive about it. Not interesting to her, therefore I should STFU.

Gawd yes, woman I thought was fine previously turned out today to be exactly the same. Wants you to be sympathetic when she is blabbing about her self indulgent problems, when express some concern about something she couldn't have been less interested. Didn't even feign interest. I won't bother again.

I have a friend who used to spend literally hours telling me about the saga with her on/off boyfriend - it went on for years and I always did my best to listen and be supportive. But then when I got suddenly dumped by someone in a really horrible way and was really upset about it she couldn't have been less supportive. If I tried to talk to her about it she just stayed totally silent and made me feel like a right twat. She's still a bit like that now. She's always been the more talkative of the two of us and I always listen to her and am responsive and interested. But often if I'm talking about me for once her eyes glaze over and she starts looking round the room, clearly not listening to me at all. So you're not alone!

I often get told I'm a good listener - I think people don't realise that it's not that I'm interested in every old thing. More that, if I'm not overly interested in a particular topic but that I can see it means a lot to the person telling me about it then I will ensure that I am invested in it because I can see it means something to them.

I have a friend who will be animated for ages on whatever subject she is ranting about, but it you then talk about something related to yourself she will do a very obvious subject change by going "mmm yes, but did you see Eastenders last night" or similar.

Hate her lack of empathy.

I think I'm going to start saying Hmmmm back to them and being less supportive and engaged when they talk to me.....

Good on you OP. If it's all take and no give, they're not very good friends.

I've done a real life version of having a facebook friend clear-out and I've been left with three friends. They're all lovely, I would do anything for them and I feel nothing but relief. You don't need people in your life who wouldn't be willing to help you if you phoned at 3am!

A friend who I considered a very close friend had a terrible time a few months ago. Her H had had an affair and left her, she was in a state constantly crying and asking for advice from her friends. I was there like a shot, turned up at her house with some shopping, sat and held her when she cried, offered financial advice etc.

Now I'm the one in a mess. My mum is very ill and I'm struggling to fight against depression and anxiety. I thought she'd be a great friend back to me but every time I talk about things she turns it back to her. How she knows all about tough times after all that she went through etc. She asks how my mum is when I see her but has no interest in the answer. I'm starting to distance myself from her now.

However a mum who I was acquainted with through DS2 has been lovely. Offers of babysitting and lifts, phone calls and texts to ask how I am. I can't believe how lovely she's been.

Some people are just very self absorbed, life's to short to waste time on them. Try and find some good ones op.

Always reassuring to read a thread like this. I don't think I have any close friends who live anywhere near me. It's taken me ages to realise this. Feel like a bit of a twit as it's taken me ages to realise I've been trying to be friends with people who just don't like me and think my problems are pointless, whereas I'm supposed to hang on their every word. And on reflection I'm probably better off on my own than trying so hard to be their friends.

I was my sister's wailing wall for 40 years. When my husband was very ill she was not interested. We are now in minimal contact and she feels very aggrieved.

Tough.

I find as long as l know that's what's going to happen with certain people l am prepared for themnot being interested so don't get hurt..l have a few friends who are great listeners so just accept the others haven't a clue so don't open my self up to them...lately l sat outside having coffee with a friend...she was telling me all her woes and l was listening intently...then l brought up something and she said...look at that bird over there in the tree..is he hanging upside down.....you would have to laugh as her listening skillls are zero and say more about her than me...so its not your fault..we all have those people so don't waste any energy taking it personally

If a friend is telling you a story, you top trumping it with your story doesnt make you a good listener.

Who was 'top trumping' admityouknowimright?

Same here, I seem to attract these people! Initially it's great as I enjoy ' being there' for my (supposed) friends and then slowly the realisation kicks in that I never seem to get a word in edge ways unless its me agreeing with the person. I had one girl like this a couple of years ago who I eventually distanced myself from because she literally did not stop harping on about this fella. I had PND, a bad time at work, 2 small children and yet none of that was ever mentioned. She got in touch recently to 'update me' on the bloke, 2 years since we fell out. I was stunned that she still hasn't realised that that was exactly why we fell out in the first place! Needless to say I did not reply to her email....

Like a previous poster, I want to ask the OP how she knows she's expected to be 'up in arms' when her friends tell her about conflicts? It sounds equally likely that she puts this obligation on herself (given that you can't actually dictate someone's reaction to your anecdotes), and then gets cross when a friend doesn't feel equally obliged to be outraged...?