I'm not sure where to start but here goes;
We have a 20mo DD and I have a 17yo DSS who until recently lived with us full time. We have been together 5 years if you don't count the year when he left when I was 16 weeks pregnant and cut all contact, refusing to engage in counselling etc. Despite this I did initiate us getting to a point where he had an active role in DD's life from birth, christening and open access.
We have been living together as a family for a year now and after such a lovely initial start I cannot see where things have gone so wrong.
DSS failed his AS levels in August. This sparked a huge change as we no longer receive maintenance and it also means he is around in the day time at least 3 days a week which I struggle with. He wakes DD from naps, makes quite a lot of general teenage mess and I don't feel I get any real down time if he is there all day, also I lot of what I say and do is fed back to his mum or nan - they both dislike me. He is working part time and applying for apprenticeships but most don't open until jan. We have a good relationship and he is lovely but I feel the balance is tricky so suggested we do 50:50 with his mum who's suggested more time with him anyway, their relationship is mostly fine. Then we could have family time on the weeks he is with us and make more of an effort and have a break when he's there, she only lives 10 mins away. DP was not happy, I was denying him a proper home, I don't love him or want him, my sole aim is to get rid of him so why doesn't he just go there FT etc. I don't want that and not does DSS. So we continued with him living with us but spending a bit more time there like 2 days a week but this became an issue because DSS wouldn't arrange and we would nag etc and I was still struggling as I started second year of open uni and DP works long hours. All laundry and cooking and most of the cleaning falls to me. So we said we'd try 50:50 which everyone except DP was happy with - showing resentment and treating me differently. I've also been trying to motivate DSS with driving, paid for lessons and changed to an instructor he liked etc to help his independence and open his opportunities. I've showed him different apprenticeships and organised amazing work experience for him.
None of this is enough, I am not appreciated or thanked, I do so much and it is all just expected. If I don't do it no one does and ultimately that affects my life in a negative way.
DP Thinks I don't support him in his job! He works hard but he works 1.5hr away and we have no nursery, no family support, I run a v small business with 2 others and am doing an open uni degree. He used to work 1 day from home which meant they day he could do tea and I could study so we could have family time on a Sunday rather than me studying all day. I plan to teach in order to fit in around family life.
Working from home stopped, so we agreed he'd keep an eye out for jobs closer to home and try flexi time. There is no structure from one week to the next of knowing when he is going to be home on which days so that I can plan study time or experiments etc and quite often he try's to wing it and fails this causing arguments. All I ask is the 2 flexi days, I don't care what hours he works the other days. I take an interest in his job and am proud of him. I have just had emergency surgery appendectomy and ruptured cysts. His first thoughts are about time off work, so whilst in recovery at hospital I was trying to call in favours and help to enable him to work as much as possible. I got 2.5 days help so needed him the other 2.5 days.
On our way bk I discover that DSS should've left for the week at his mums but has taken no stuff so will have to come bk tomorrow to collect, I made comment that this could've been better organised as we will have help there and need to drop my parents dog bk after their holiday and obviously I will be recovering. Cue being sworn at and told I'm a control freak etc etc. We got home and the nastiness continued so less than 24 hours after surgery I loaded DD and dog into car and drive to meet my parents at airport. I asked him to drive us explaining I needed my mum and needed to recoup and we needed to sort our relationship out - he refused and swore at me more. I know I was stupid to go but I needed support.
Please tell me AIBU to expect more? To be appreciated for what I do and to be supported when in need?