..to think that this schools business has the potential to wreck playground friendships

[idiuntno57]

So DC in Yr5 and we are starting visiting schools. This morning I visited a school in which my friend has just put DC. IMO it had a few good things about it but was not what I am looking for for DC at all.

I got a text from friend asking what I think. I was honest and said it had lots of good points but was missing some of the things DH and I were looking for but that I needed to see some others to put it in perspective. Got a slightly miffed text in reply.

I get the sense that friend thinks I am critical of their choice because I didn't rave about this school. I couldn't.

On the other hand other parents at school have gone from being friendly and jolly to a bit secretive and cagey about the whole process.

I am really worried about what Yr 5/early yr 6 is going to do for friendships amongst the parents. Is this a reasonable worry? What were your experiences?

I had something similar at Primary level! We attend a church attached to an outstanding faith school, and our decision not to put that school as our first choice has put some people's noses out of joint - particularly those who were attending Church weekly just to get their DCs in and I guess just assumed we were doing the same.

DH had some reservations about the school, but I didnt say that, I smiled and said, "it was a hard choice, but [the other outstanding school DS did get in] is walking distance and I wanted him to be near his classmates. And aren't we lucky to have so many good schools in our area!"

People want you to have come to the same conclusion, noone wants to think that someone else thinks they made the wrong choice. Or that they haven't done the right thing for their DCs.

Practice smiling and saying "it looks like a lovely school, such a hard choice isn't it?" If you are thinking of going private, keep that quiet, and if you do, then say something like the sporting facilities or your DC isn't very confindent and might not cope in a bigger school etc. not that it's a better school, that you think it's a better fit for your DCs in a way that doesn't suggest their school choice is a worse school.

It will pass... when I told my friend that our DCs would go to our (very good) local secondary school her answer was 'I would NEVER send MY children there'...

Good grief never experienced anything of the sort with DD and so far it's the same with DS1. No grammar here though and only one school that selects on faith.

Results day- the class divides. It's soul destroying,

OP you shouldn't have been so honest! Seriously, think about how it sounds to your friend.

My friebd has sent her kid to private and ruled out the state school we have sent our son too. I imagine that they shuddered at the thought of it but my friend was very polite and cagey about it. When we were discussing the schools we'd been offered you could tell she wasn't happy (we live in London with tiny catchment areas) but she never said outright the school didn't appeal. I probably would have been offended if she'd listed all of its faults!

Looking round secondary schools in year 5 . How many secondary schools are you choosing from? There are 3 within 5/6 miles of us and one is difficult to get to without a car so will be a fairly quick choice for us when it's DS1's turn I think (currently year 4).

YANBU to say that the whole thing can become quite divisive. This gets worse at the beginning of March when Amy has got a place at St Zebedee's, but Ben and Chloe are still on the waiting list.

YAB a bit U to voice your concerns about a school to a parent who already has a child there.

I have had two children go through secondary transfer and I'm currently doing the application for another two. The following advice is for anyone about to go through this process. Try to only make positive comments about any of the local schools, regardless of your inner thoughts. The person you are talking to might have a child there, have attended the school themselves, or teach there. Also be careful of what you say in front of your child. They might not get a place at any of your preferences, and could end up going to the school you've been verbally trashing for the past nine months.

ellie there are loads (big city) but about 8 that we want to check out.

You have to be tactful. It's natural that parents who have agonised over these decisions are very invested in their choice of school.

We are looking now and DS is in year 5. All too much of a rush if we wait until year 6.

We don't have State Grammar schools where we are, just comprehensives. We are looking at 3 out of the 4 local ones over the next 2 weeks, with visits to 2 Indi Grammars after that. We have already discounted the 4th school, but haven't really discussed this with any other parents. Half of DS's class will probably go to this school, so I am sure I will have to be careful what I say about it.

2 poor Ofsted reports in the last 3 years, a crumbling building and the school where all the kids go who have been expelled from other schools is not in our top 3 choices.

I am sure that if DS ends up passing his exams for one of the Indi Grammars, a few of the parents will have an opinion.

We are also looking now as in June 2015 (just before going into year 6) the Indi Grammars have full days where DS can experience a 'real' school day and then the exams follow in the January of 2016.

My ds is in year 9 and the local...er...unpreferred .....school.

I still get sympathetic head tilts in Sainsbury's "And how is Mini Hakluyt...????"

And we still meet people we haven't seen for a while who make assumptions about what school he's at, and have to do hasty backpedals when they realize.....

One of the reasons we left the UK (well London to be more accurate I guess) was the secondary school transfer issues. Knowing that ds would likely go to a school with none of his friends made it much easier to uproot him. Where we live now pretty much everyone goes to the local school and no one angsts about it because all the schools are similarly good.

On the other hand my local 'mum' friends all chose different primary schools (including both faith and private options) and we didn't fall out about it. Probably because we were all happy with our choices, and our children well looked after.

I tend to only say positive stuff and avoid saying anything negative about a school where someone already has a child, or might send their child. I think it's tactless to do otherwise.

I can see now that I should have only said the positive things. I was trying to be honest and fair but having entered this minefield see that it is not the safest way.

However in terms of B U it looks like IANBU and should just gear myself up for a year of not really engaging with playground chums which is a shame

"
However in terms of B U it looks like IANBU and should just gear myself up for a year of not really engaging with playground chums which is a shame"

Well,only if you can't think of anything to talk about except secondary school......

I think you've got a point, OP, it all got a bit weird at our lower school when the Y4s were choosing their middle schools as all the rich ones were off to prep, the sharp-elbowed MC gang were shmoozing the vicar for a referal to the out of catchment faith school and everyone else was feeling a bit belegured because they couldn't quite see what all the fuss was about and were plumping for the state catchment option ... You walked on eggshells and there was a lot of muttering in corners - it did all calm down in the end though! ( Until it was upper school transfer time, anyway! )