Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to do this?

26 replies

WhataMistakeaToMakea · 22/09/2014 19:52

I split up with ex DP 3.5 years ago. We have two children who both have his surname. I love my own surname and never once though about changing it.

I was happy for DCs to have his name as mine is very unique and I didn't want clients I work with to be able to trace my children (I used to work local to where I live and wanted my kids free from any trouble at school etc).

Anyway I have learnt through here that going abroad etc can be tricky with a different surname- ex is sometimes a pain so asking for him to grant permission etc will not always be easy for holidays. Also the children keep asking why my name is different to theirs.

Would I be unreasonable to change my surname to ex DPs? I don't think he cares about me doing it. I would still keep my own name for work/professional use.

Has anyone changed their name at home but kept an old one at work? Is it a pain for getting paid etc?

Thanks

OP posts:
Bugsylugs · 22/09/2014 19:56

SIL has never had a problem taking her children abroad she has a different surname to them.

Lots of professionals use different names for work and home.

MrsWinnibago · 22/09/2014 20:23

bugs many people DO have problems though. OP I think you would be unreasoble really..why don't you maybe give the DC a double barrel name with yours AND his and you add his to yours...why should your name disapear?

cherrybombxo · 22/09/2014 20:26

As above, I would give the kids a double barrelled name. It's weird to consider taking your ex's name Confused

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 22/09/2014 20:28

It's a very odd thing to do! I don't have the same surname as DS and I don't have a problem. Take the birth certificate and you should be ok.

exexpat · 22/09/2014 20:30

Even if you have the same name as the children, if you are travelling without their father, immigration officials can still ask where he is and whether you have a letter of permission from him. I don't think changing your name will actually solve anything.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 22/09/2014 20:30

Double barrelled is a good idea but you have to have permission from all those with parental responsibility so it might not work for op if her ex won't agree

I'm not sure if you'd be unreasonable, I can see why you'd want to and really it's your decision but there is something that feels a little bit off about it too

Sorry no help at all was I?!

SixImpossible · 22/09/2014 20:31

I, and many people I know, kept their original surnames at work after they got married. It was never awkward or inconvenient.

For salary purposes you could inform HR, requesting that your name remains the same on all directories etc. (But do you trust HR not to screw up? Hmm) Or you could keep your original name at work and, as you will have to show the change-of-name documentation to the bank when you change your account, there should be no issues with your salary being paid in in the old name. Double-barreling makes it even easier.

mineofuselessinformation · 22/09/2014 20:33

Why don't you go double-barrelled op? That way you don't need permission and can explain to dcs that your wanted the same surname as them but also to keep your own as that's what any people know you by.

Original poster
WhataMistakeaToMakea · 22/09/2014 21:03

Yes thanks. Yes it feels a little weird to me to take it too! Although it would be nice to be the same name as the kids.

I'll look into getting theirs double barrelled and decide. I just want to pre empt any future problems as ex may be moving abroad next year for good then he won't be around to get any permissions for anything so easily.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhataMistakeaToMakea · 22/09/2014 21:04

Or double barrel mine; yes then I don't have to say all of my name every time but it will be there on official documents when needed.

OP posts:
Balaboosta · 22/09/2014 21:08

My kids have different surname to me. Was told coming back into Heathrow this summer that I need to travel with a copy of their birth certificates. Easily done.

AlpacaLypse · 22/09/2014 21:10

Dsis has had this problem, but having a copy of both children's birth certificate has always solved it so far.

WooWooOwl · 22/09/2014 21:13

It would be wierd.

Any problems when travelling can be overcome by carrying a copy of the birth certificates.

I have a different surname to my children, I've only ever bee questioned once when travelling and that was on return to the UK, not when leaving here or entering another country.

I regularly get called Mrs X's surname at school though, and it doesn't bother me at all.

ProbablyMe · 22/09/2014 21:16

Odd. This never crossed my mind as a potential issue. I changed back to my maiden name. Went on holiday with my DP and his 2 DD who have one name, my 4 DS who have their fathers name, and me with yet another name and - although I had no issues at all at East Midlands Airport - it never crossed my mind that it could be a problem.

blackberrypicking · 22/09/2014 21:18

I definitely would not want a different surname to my children, so on that count I will say YANBU and I don't really like double barrelled names either so I'd probably change it.

I changed my first name, though, years ago.

Homepride1 · 22/09/2014 22:23

I have different surname to my 3 children and have never had any problems taking them aboard in the 6 years since I left ex husband

CarbeDiem · 22/09/2014 22:59

I've never had any problems having a different surname to dc. It's never ever been mentioned at airports etc..when I've travelled alone with them.

almamatters · 22/09/2014 23:09

I went ahead of my (sort of)DP at the airport when returning from holiday, under no circumstances what so ever would they allow me to take my son through security. In actual fact, they ushered my through, keeping my son with them until his father caught up. It was horrible, so it does happen!

We are in a difficult place at the moment and are unsure whether our relationship will continue, however wether we stay together or split, I will be changing my surname to his so that myself and the kids have the same name, it bothers me that it's different. I don't think you're weird.

poolomoomon · 22/09/2014 23:18

I had no idea this was even an issue. When I went abroad with my mum as a kid not only did she have a different surname to me but we both also had a different surname to my brother who took his fathers surname so three different surnames! Never caused any problems. Never heard of this problem tbh, must be a recent thing.

I think changing to the exes name is a bit weird. I vote double barrel as well if the airport thing really is a massive deal these days.

SavoyCabbage · 22/09/2014 23:21

I have the same surname as my dc and I have been questioned when travelling with them. You just have to prep them before hand to know what to say!

My best friend was separated from her dc in Dubai airport when changing flights when her dd answered "America" when asked where they lived. So now I train mine up on the flight. It's something to do!

SavoyCabbage · 22/09/2014 23:24

It is a recent thing. It's to stop child trafficking mainly.

It can be quite casual. They are not lining them up against walls and asking them questions but they are asking them.

I travel with all certificates and a letter from my dh. Just in case.

Cardriver · 22/09/2014 23:27

YANBU You can use whatever name you want. It only feels odd because it isn't the way name changes normally happen.

I know someone who did exactly what you're wanting to do. I can't see the problem with it, its just a name!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 23/09/2014 06:42

They have started doing it even if you share a surname so it's not really going to help by changing names. I got a phone call from the port police when XH was boarding with DS just to check I consented. This was despite them having the same name and me having written a letter.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 23/09/2014 06:44

Oh and as long as I carry his birth certificate I have never been stopped from going through security. They have never called his father to check he agrees. They seem to be applying the rules fairly randomly.

OP, if he leaves the country get a child arrangements order (formerly residence order) which should remove the need to get his permission I believe.

Aherdofmims · 23/09/2014 09:58

I haven't had trouble taking dd abroad with a different name. I do take the birth certificate with me just in case though.