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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It's not on to expect a relative to look after a vomiting child - is it?

20 replies

LapsedTwentysomething · 22/09/2014 14:54

I've taken the day off, just three weeks into a new job, to look after DS. He's been sick at the weekend so couldn't go to nursery. We had arranged for MIL to have him, on top of the usual two days se does for us. Ten minutes before I was due to leave he vomited spectacularly on me and I decided that I couldn't expect MIL to deal with an active vomiting bug as well as the likelihood of catching it herself so I called work and let them know I couldn't make it. DH is standing in for his manager today so it wasn't an option for him either.

I'm questioning my decision tbh. Not because I think it's fair to ask mil to look after a puking toddler, but because I've had the day off. Perhaps I'm not in a position to be working FT.

WWYD in this situation? I hate taking time off and feel really bad for doing so.

OP posts:

Original poster

LapsedTwentysomething · 22/09/2014 14:56

By the way, I thought he was better when we arranged for mil to have him. He hadn't been sick since yesterday morning.

OP posts:

TheLovelyBoots · 22/09/2014 14:57

Well, that really depends on your MIL. My MIL is great with sick and doesn't bat an eye when my kids puke all over her.

She might be offended that you'd expect her to look after a pukey child. She might be offended that that you wouldn't expect her to look after a pukey child. All you can do is ask.

Beastofburden · 22/09/2014 14:59

Relax. I manage a number of staff with small kids and I know perfectly well that mothers can get a run of bad luck. Between October and March it is bound to be a bit like that.

Those of us who had small kids and worked remember it all too well and we also remember how we felt. You can't go in but you feel awful about it.

If your boss is at all experienced they will evaluate your work over the long term, and look at the quality as well as the hours.

meanwhile, if there is a credible remote working system where you are, get it set up, so you can contribute wihtout cloming in, on bad days.

this is how it is. It's OK. it doesn't make you unprofessional.

Original poster

LapsedTwentysomething · 22/09/2014 14:59

What I meant really, is that work couldn't seriously expect someone else to look after a vomiting and contagious child could they?

OP posts:

TheLovelyBoots · 22/09/2014 15:02

What I meant really, is that work couldn't seriously expect someone else to look after a vomiting and contagious child could they?

I see.

I agree that no one could reasonably expect an employee to find someone else to look after a vomiting child, that's strictly a "nice to have" option.

museumum · 22/09/2014 15:02

I think work expect you to share with your partner/co-parent. So one day is accepted. However if your dh didn't do it next time then your work could be quite rightly a bit put out.

Explored · 22/09/2014 15:04

Anyone who employs mothers parents knows they sometime have to have time off. I do think it's important to do everything you can not to let it happen too often and to make sure DH does his share.

FWIW I agree with LovelyBoots. Both my parents and ILs would have been offended at the suggestion that they couldn't cope with a sick child and they wouldn't think it was any less reasonable for them to risk catching it than it would be for me and DH. I think you should have given MIL the opportunity to have him.

Beastofburden · 22/09/2014 15:04

I would just say: very sorry, I didn't have childcare in place that could deal with that level of illness. Which is what a person using a nursery would say.

Though since you ask, why not? A nursery, not, obviously. but a paid nanny- yes. DH, certainly. MIL- well that is one of the limitations of free childcare, you cant insist in a way you would with paid childcarers. Longer-term, if DH is free, he may have to do it.

micah · 22/09/2014 15:09

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask- "sorry mil, I know you were supposed to be looking after him today, but he's vomiting now and I don't feel I can ask you to be clearing up sick all day"

Then if she says oh no it's fine, it's fine.

From a work point of view I wouldn't worry either. It would BU of them to expect you to find someone willing to look after a vomiting child.

Original poster

LapsedTwentysomething · 22/09/2014 15:10

Oh DH would normally do it and he also has the option of using holiday. I don't. Feel a bit less guilty now, thanks.

OP posts:

Beastofburden · 22/09/2014 15:11

Dont worry. If you used a nursery, it wouldnt even be an option. most ppl use nurseries. you are in the majority not being able to work through it.

mimishimmi · 22/09/2014 23:10

YANBU. Your workplace shouldn't expect that you could find someone else that would want to look after a sick child, especially if it's more than a sniffle. It was very good of you not to try and sneakily give him to someone without letting them know he was that sick. I suppose you could always ask but you have to be upfront about how sick they are and not have any expectations of them that they will say yes.

slightlyglitterstained · 22/09/2014 23:15

If you're lucky, your boss may be thinking "phew, glad she didn't come in to share all the vomiting germs around the office!" Which is what my lot said last time DS was sick (though it was a bit moot as I got sick myself shortly afterwards so would've been off anyway).

ThatBloodyWoman · 22/09/2014 23:19

This sort of thing is so stressful when you have a new job.
I agree, I think its mine and dh's jobs only to deal with tummy bugs unless too ill ourselves.

Its a shame it happened so soon into your job, but, hopefully, these things are few and far between.

MidniteScribbler · 23/09/2014 01:19

It happens. I'm home today because toddler DS threw up just before pick up at day care yesterday, so they won't take him today. I'm a single parent, my parents are deceased, so no one else to look after him. Fortunately my boss understands that they can't lock us in the storeroom at 3:30pm and let us out at 9:00am, because we are real people, with real lives and that means that it occasionally intrudes.

Is your job one where you can work on something from home? I'm mumsnetting working while DS is watching cartoons, so I'll actually get quite a lot done today and the day isn't a complete waste.

Lally112 · 23/09/2014 01:39

Depends on the situation, if one of mine was having a major vom and some little shit let the bull out then I would have to go get him back in so MiL would probably have to watch the sick one (because theres no way she would be running around a field in a truck with a cattle prod trying to chase the fat bastard back in) I don't have the option of taking a 'sick day' or 'annual leave' and DH is deployed at the mo so cant ask him to either.

wobblyweebles · 23/09/2014 02:57

It's totally normal to take time off in this situation and many other people do it too.

ProudAS · 23/09/2014 07:08

How about telling relative the facts and letting them decide??

MrsKCastle · 23/09/2014 07:19

The problem with telling relatives and letting them decide is that they may feel obliged to help even if they really would prefer not to. My mum does a lot of childcare for us, and will always say 'yes' unless she has another commitment. However, I wouldn't ask her to look after one of the DDs while they were vomiting- I don't think it would be fair on mum (who's over 70) or the DDs (who are little enough to want their parents when I'll).

OP, try not to feel guilty. It happens, and you say you usually share this kind of thing with your partner. Your employer will understand.

ILovePud · 23/09/2014 07:36

I know some employers are funny about people taking leave to look after sick kids but I think that's unreasonable. My mum and MIL have both looked after my kids when they have been sick with D and V and I'm very grateful for that but wouldn't expect them to and not everyone has the option of local, willing family childcare and some children become very distressed if anyone other than a parent is looking after them when ill.

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