Contribution to birthday party

[Fatmanbuttsam]

I don't think I am but am prepared to be flamed. My teenage ds was invited to a party over the weekend and was asked to contribute to the cost of the activity and food afterwards.

I happen to think that's a great idea, it allows them to make memories of doing things together rather than handing over some cash or a present and the parents paying out a heck of a lot of money for a party.

However I found out afterwards that the 'contribution' was actually the full cost of the day. I feel slightly miffed about the deception.....not enough to get upset about but enough to laugh at the cheekiness.

He had a great time and I would have paid the money anyway so it's not like I funded something he hated.

Is this the new 'thing' to do....have I missed the memo about it

Where I'm from it's seriously bad manners to even ask for a contribution towards a party, let alone the full cost.

I've never heard of asking for contributions towards party activities or food, let alone having to pay the entire cost! That's beyond cheeky, I'd be really pissed off.

I don't know, as long as they're upfront from the start about what's required to participate, I think it's ok. It's probably something they couldn't otherwise afford and everyone had a good time from the sounds of it.

If they had invited him, booked it, then demanded cash I'd have a problem.

According to etiquette expert Miss Manners this sort of thing is bad form.

She says, and I'm paraphrasing here, that when inviting people to an event you have to cut your cloth to suit your means. So if you can't afford to have an activity you should have a cheaper party at home for example. It's all part and parcel of being a host.

I agree with her.

I think part of the problem is that parties are getting out of hand. My most memorable party from my childhood was a very simple one I had at home. We didn't need a full itinerary of activities to have fun. We made our own fun (yes I am aware of how old that makes me sound).

I don't know.

I can see the logic - rather than 10 parents spending 10 each on a load of tat and the birthday child's parents spending 100 on an activity - adjust amounts as required - it'd make sense to say "ok no presents, just pay towards this instead".

There's something in me that accepts the logic of it, but just wouldn't be able to do it myself. Happy for others to, I just wouldn't. Not sure why - it makes no sense.

Party was booked in advance before invitation were sent out.

I don't like the deception over the cost.....I would have happily paid it but there's a nasty taste in my mouth about the way it has being done.

I do think the idea of contributing to the cost in lieu of a present is good at that age because they get to do activities with their friends in a large group which they love.

DS is going paint-balling next weekend and again it is a contribution thing (but I know the mum and she is funding 50% of the activity plus all the food costs).

I see it both ways.
As a teenager we did this kind of thing. We would go to the cinema for each others birthday and pay our own way, but it was clear from the outset that we would pay for our own ticket and snack. It never bothered us or our parents at the time as it worked for all 6 of our birthdays for the 2 years we did it. It meant no parents had to shell out for a big party, just give their own child £10 every couple of months to attend the cinema. We did still give token gifts though, which we bought out of our pocket money.
However as a parent I don't know if I could do it.
We just had a cinema party for DD and we paid everything for the kids, the cinema tickets, snacks and lunch afterwards. We also paid for the adults who came to watch the film, and I felt guilty saying adults buy your own snacks and lunch (but I simply just could not afford to pay for them too - but they were all family and understood).
So I don't know if I could do it.
I guess it depends on how old the kids are, we were 14 when we started the cinema birthday deal at school, and we decided it amongst ourselves.
I think if it is agreed before hand between a close knit group it can work.

I see what you mean, and I agree they should have made it clear how much you were paying up front of the over all cost. It does sound like they were trying to hide it from you.

I think this sort of thing is normal for teenagers if it is discussed and agreed beforehand. Booking, inviting and then asking for money is not ok!

Contributions, as long as clearly stated upfront (i.e. on the invitation - I assume if people weren't up for it then they could have adjusted the numbers booked) I think is a good idea, especially for older DC, as it means a larger number of DC can do something fun within the host parents' budget.

Paying the whole cost, though, is just bloody cheeky, especially as it was phrased as a "contribution"

I can see for teenagers in particular paying to go somewhere rather than buying presents is actually an ok idea. But you'd have to be very upfront about it!

I agree mrsconfuses, if you can't afford an expensive party, have a cheaper day. This monetary contributions for parties or evenings out is very bad manners.

If you expect people to pay like in op case, be open and honest about the cost. What if teen did not have enough money on them, or parents cannot afford it. At least they have the option of saying no!

For me it would depend on age, once my Dc reached 13 it was more about hanging about with their mates, movie, bowling etc. they pay their own way and do not bother so much about gifts. Really there is no different in charging than asking for money as presents which seems to have become more common recently.

The difference is in how it's presented.

Either it's a day out with your mates to celebrate someone's Birthday and it's clear from the start that everyone pays for themselves OR the birthday person (and family) are HOSTING the party. If the latter then it's extremely rude to ask for any contribution at all.

I have no objection to the concept, we did it loads as kids, BUT it was all understood at the outset, and if we couldnt afford it we didnt go.