To phase out Christmas presents for extended family...?

[songbird54]

So... My DH's family is on the small side and in previous years we have all bought gifts for each other. They tend to be £5-10 in value per person (uncle, aunt, 2 cousins plus partners and now one toddler). They are a pain to buy as it is hard to get anything that isn't too generic, and more often than not the gifts they give us end up in the charity shop as already drowning in bath stuff etc. I have a suspicion that my DH's aunt who is a teacher tends to pass on rejects from her class presents!

Given that we now also have a LO of of our own I am wondering if it might be time to phase out gifts for adults and want to suggest just giving one gift for their toddler and receiving one gift for our baby.

My MIL doesn't get on with DH's aunt but I have always found her to be friendly and fairly easy to get on with. My DH thinks she doesn't like him, but tbh I think MIL has been stirring things up between them for years...

Anyway DH thinks a suggestion of this kind could cause a family war. In my family cousins stop getting presents once they are married or definitely once they have kids.

AIBU to think its worth it rather than have to find the usual tat to give and receive the usual tat in return...? Anyone out there braved something similar with good results?

My boss did this once. She bought a lottery ticket for everyone. No one won but it made us all laugh.. Just an idea.

We don't buy birthdays for the over 18 and at Christmas we buy a box of biscuits/wine for each family but buy your under 18s.

However it really does depend on the family traditions.

It sounds like you can afford to continue to buy but find it a pain.

In that case I would just suck it up as it's not worth causing offence.

It's only once a year.

Yes I braved it when my dh was worried about his job - I said to my sisters - sorry but no presents this year, please don't buy for us - it was fine!

Forgot to add, me and my sisters were only playing "pass the cheque" anyway so there really was no point

Hell no! We phased this out years ago and now only buy for each others DC's. Its so much easier and cheaper.

You can only suggest it - if the family want to carry on exchanging gifts then so be it. For all you know they could be thinking the same thing.

Your DH may think it will cause a war, but I bet he's not the one who has to look for/think of a gift and then wrap the bloody thing every year?????

I'd like to phase out cards but fear it's a step too far.

My cousin sends everyone salmon or flowers, my mum buys goats/chickens, you could do posh chocs or really nice biscuits or book tokens or something so dramatically crap that they all ditch you forthwith ... Or you could just do a bit less each year until it sort of fizzles out of it's own accord.

It's probably not worth having a row over, though, if it's only a tenner or so each. If you don't want any random tat from them then ask for charity donations or tokens of some sort ( And wait for thread from rellies complaining about it on here! )

I think you're right it's better/easier not to bother but in your circumstances I wouldn't be the one to stop it

Your DH knows his family best though, and the fact it's worked in other posters' famlies doesn't mean it won't cause offence in his.

A halfway house would be to suggest buying per couple rather than per individual, and just giving chocs/wine (no matter what you are given). And whatever, your DH can take responsibility for buying for his side from now on. If he ends up rushing to the supermarket on christmas eve, so be it.

I do see the appeal of only buying for the children but I think it can be a bit unfair on GPs and other grownups without small children - of which there must be about 6 people on your list, if I'm reading it right. The request coming from a parent can sound a bit "right, you carry on buying for my family but I won't bother buying for you. OK?"

I suggested Secret Santa in my extended family the year my dh was made redundant, and it's gone down so well we've continued for 13 years and also do it with the in-laws. £10 suggested value. Bit more fun than giving and receiving nothing.

I completely agree with you and think its ridiculous the amount of present people buy for grown adults who can buy their own stuff. Christmas is about kids IMO.we also have a situation like this, buying for elderly rellies - virtually impossible to buy for. when me grandmother dies inhekpwd clear her flat and it was literally full of unopened toiletries. I'd rather give people vouchers or money so at least they could get something they actually need or want. doesn't go down well though.

I've stopped doing it with my cousin's DC - my sister and mum still buy for them, but we hardly see them and I certainly don't expect anything from them for us/DD, for the exact same reason. And DH comes from a huge immediate family - we have 6 (soon to be 7) nieces/nephews on his side to buy for.

I like the idea of a lottery ticket each!

I like the idea of the lottery ticket but think that actually, if one of them came up big it would cause all manner of trouble.

I quite like getting things I won't use. I'm thinking about which charity/raffle will benefit, even as I'm unwrapping it It means I can make a generous gesture without it costing me any time or money.

We did this with my Dad's side of the family as it was getting a bit insane as he is one of 6 so lots of aunts/uncles, cousins, second cousins! There was always someone that we would forget and there is actually only so many boxes of chocolates or tat that you can look grateful for!

So we all agreed to stop it and each family now makes a donation to the charity of their choice instead. Only one of the aunts kicked up a bit of a fuss as she liked the buying/wrapping, although almost all of the gifts I received ended up at a charity shop or regifted.

We've since done the same with my DM's side too. Although we still buy for DM and DPs immediate family.

I do sort of miss some of the more bizarre gifts though (boss eyed ceramic cat was a favourite) as they made us laugh so much

YANBU. We have done this for a few years now. We only buy for children. This way, no one has to spend any money they don't have, buying presents that no one really wants. It's a win win!

YANBU. My mum had a huge extended family & present-buying at Christmas was insane - I can still remember her settling down to wrap literally dozens of gifts that were spread all over the sitting room floor!

We came out of it quite well as kids, but the adults just bought each other tat & various presents were recycled as teachers' end of year gifts, tombola prizes, etc. etc.

Mum used to moan about it every year, but still managed to take offence when other relatives eventually (& politely) said enough was enough. I think one of my aunties sent round cards, possibly in the Autumn, thanking everyone for their gifts over the years, but saying that they were going to be cutting down on present buying in future, so please not to buy for them.

A whole family policy would have been a better idea, perhaps, but don't think it would have worked if it had just been kids-only presents. Two sets of aunties / uncles had no children, others had up to 4, so that wouldn't have been very fair. I like the secret Santa idea - but wouldn't have envied whoever had to suggest & organize that in our family - & the lottery tickets one.

The younger generation in my extended family (me & cousins) just stopped the whole thing. DH & I only have one surviving sibling between us, & one niece, so it's totally different now. I wouldn't mind more children to buy for now my two are getting beyond toys!

I suggested this - via DH - after years of finding it such a pain and was amazed that everyone agreed happily. We all get allocated two or three of the children, and spend a set amount (£30).

Just suggest that you do children-only gifts. It'll transform Christmas, and is a lot cheaper too!

Not to mention the added hassle of scouring the shops for something that so and so might like. It's such a relief. Children are easy to buy for, but adults are a nightmare. I've never understood why people get into all this pointless present buying, particularly when money is tight.

We only buy for children if children are present within the family, so parents, grandparent, people who give to our children who have grown up/ do not have children but these tend to be token presents depending on age.

I think it is fine to suggest it but I would definitely not do this by email or text.

Preferably face to face - so they can see your smiling face and you can judge their honest reactions - or at the very least by telephone. Far less chance of their being any "misunderstandings" IYSWIM?

Thanks for all the responses everyone. I think I will risk a phonecall to DH's aunt and see if we can do some negotiating. Thinking of setting out some options...

1. Continue as we are
2. Do presents in couples
3. Just do kids presents

It just seems so silly to all carry on as we have been doing, when I reckon they find it as pointless as we do. I guess the real rub for me is that whenever it comes up with my in laws (they complain about it all the time!) everyone just says 'well we have to keep doing it otherwise they'll get upset', so it immediately feels like we have to do it otherwise we'll get in trouble, which isn't a very motivating reason to get someone a gift. I am probably being way too idealistic but I for one would rather get no present at all than something that no thought has gone into and that I ever have to keep in a cupboard for several years or take to a charity shop e.g. Very old bath salts that don't smell of anything.

MIL is also determined to portray DH's aunt as a dragon lady, and often uses DH as a bit of a pawn in her quest to thwart the aunt as much as possible. Lots of comments along the lines of 'she's never liked you and tells everyone all the time', which personally I see no evidence for.

Families eh?

We lose track a bit and have to check with DH's brothers every year who is buying for who. The problem for us is that we both have childless siblings who buy for our DCs as well as us, if we stopped doing adult presents they would be buying for our DCs but no one would be buying for them. DH is one of 4, three are married with children and one has no partner or children (that seems unlikely to change). So if the other three stopped buying for him he would only get a present from his elderly parents and once they're gone that would be it for him. Then if we buy for him it seems mean to not buy for the others. However we mainly buy books, DVDs etc from each others Amazon wishlist, so not to much ends up in the charity shops.

My sisters' grandchildren have been getting small gifts from me each Christmas plus a fiver in the card, but I am cutting it down this year to the fiver for each (which saves on hassle and postage), except for the children of one nephew who never, ever, have even acknowledged they've received anything from me. I don't expect thanks, but some feedback would have been nice. They will get just a family card - or a charity goat/ducks if I'm feeling generous!

Last year I put it to my sisters and one of my friends that we should each buy our own gift from the other, as we tend to spend the same amount, and already have everything we need. This worked very well and one sister bought a fantastic swimsuit from M&S for her holiday in Cuba and I was 'given' a large bottle of gin...

I know this doesn't really answer the OPs post, but it might help others who are thinking of downsizing the gifting for various reasons.

We stopped christmas pressents altogether for my husbands side of the family. We used to buy for everyone, and they number a grand total of 22 on his side so it was very expensive even if you kept the cost down to 10 per person.

Then for a number of years we tried to do a kris kringle type of thing. And despite it being an even number it was always difficult and always seemed to end up with a family row at one stage. Two years ago the row was an absolute wopper that went on for almost a month - caused by one of my sister in laws - who kept complaining that christmas was about (her)kids (despite the fact that her kids were 28/30/32!).

So last year we all agreed to simply not buy any gifts at all. It was so so much easier all round. Saved us all a lot of time, effort, and most importantly it saved us all a tonne of money!

We have a family party in mid december now instead of gifts and thus spend time on our presence instead of presents.

I would recommend it.

We have a £5 limit for kids and a secret santa for adults with a £20 limit.So each adult only has to spend £20 on one other adult. This has worked really well for our large family.

DH's mum was one of six and at Christmas they get together (surviving aunts, uncles and cousins plus children). They used to all get each other presents and it was ridiculous - there was a huge pile taking up half the room and it was mostly wine and smellies swapping. I suggested to DH they reduce presents to children only but he said he couldn't possibly suggest this. Fortunately one of his cousins did suggest it and now they don't do presents for the adults. So it could be worth gently suggesting just confining it to children-only.