I make a lot of effort with my friends and it's not reciprocated?

[Kittyflower85]

Hi all
I have been friends with the a group of girls since school, the friendships are over 10+ years now. I have two best friends in this group but it has dawned on me for the last few months that I am the only one who makes any effort. If I didn't text either of them or organise a get together it wouldn't happen. One of these friends has a family and she is pregnant at the moment and the other is single with family commitments. They don't work full time like I do, so can get together during the week. I am not at all jealous about that as I think it's great they can see each other during the week. It's just that they don't ever organise to see me. If they genuinely cared about my friendship like they say they would make more effort. One of these girls is very lazy with friendships and is very out of sight out of mind, so I don't take it too personally I know it's how she is, but I don't think it's fair. The other friend is very scatty minded and unreliable. I am not perfect of course but I make an effort with my friends. I work full time but I am single and I have other friends I see and my family of course but I don't think I am asking for too much to expect some effort from them. We had another best friend who actually had a baby and she has totally left the group now, sort of of her own accord. I just wanted to see what you all thought. I don't want to lose their friendships but I feel like a fool when I organise things all the time especially when they decline the offer and I am yet again the person asking them to do something. I feel like I should just leave it and see if either of them get in touch with me but I don't think they will. It would be such a shame to lose their friendships but at the same time it's not equal. The friend with the family, her partner recently changed jobs and has weekends free now.
So I feel like she used us a bit when her partner wSnt around she would ask to meet up and now he's off at the weekend she doesn't ask to. They both know that I have a problem with them but it's gone back to how it was. Bit disappointing but there are worse problems after all. I don't expect to see them all the time, I don't have the time either but it gets me down and I feel like this pattern has to change. I need to focus on my own life, get my own house and hopefully have my own family one day so I am wasting my energy on this but I'd like any help or advice I could get!
Thanks in advance.

Xxxx

a few possibilities. one is that long term friendships fall into patterns. your friends have got used to the idea that Kitty is the organiser, and so don't ever bother to do it themselves. It is very hard to change that kind of thing. So why not just keep organising on your own terms, but also look out for other things to do and other friendship groups? I know it gets harder as you get older to make new friends.

Thank you. I think you are right. Ultimately I don't mind organising things that's not the issue... Just doesn't feel very nice when long term friends don't make effort. I have other friends thankfully so will do as you suggested. Thanks for taking the time to reply

It sounds like you've hit different life stages and different priorities. That doesn't mean the end of friendship, but it can require patience through the years when a family is young and consumes a lot of time and energy.

I can go weeks before I get the chance to phone DM when I get an opportunity to ring her at a time slot of mutual availability. Once the DCs are in bed, I'm exhausted and either crash out or squeeze in other things into that small window where I'm not being continually interrupted.

There's friendships that have gynecological standby since the days of a portable new baby. The good friends are still there in the background and one day, I will have more time and energy to invest in them.

It may be worth establishing new friendshipso of people at a similar life stage to you. I tend to think of friends as either soul friends where you can comfortably retain that connection throughout life, and lifestyle friends which are more about sharing a social experience than a deeper connection of personality. We need both types in our lives.

"Gone on" so obviously should be replaced with gynecological. Thanks auto correct.

They don't work full time like I do, so can get together during the week. I am not at all jealous about that as I think it's great they can see each other during the week.

They both know that I have a problem with them

Those two statements conflict. ^^

The following is why they don't see you so often:

One of these friends has a family and she is pregnant at the moment and the other is single with family commitments.

I feel like a fool when I organise things all the time especially when they decline the offer

Have you got any idea of the amount of juggling it takes to run a family? Im afraid the last thing on my mind when pregnant and also having other small children and working, was going out with my mates. Sleep and housework generally occupied it.

Why don't you get a bit involved with the whole family of one or both of these friends. When I had small children, I was thrilled when a single friend would come hang out with me and the kids, go to the park, go for a walk, or come over in the evening and cook together. You might also make a new (and possibly lifelong) friend out of one of those children.

It is awful to feel ignored, but maybe your friends' priorities have changed. You might get something really special out of taking an interest in their new life, rather than trying to get them together for activities which are no longer interesting to them.

Admityouknowimright ...... Erm thanks for the totally sensitive reply. Great of you. The two statements don't conflict... The reason they do is because you've taken them out of context. Also I don't take that as an excuse that they are both busy. I am busy myself and I can still make time for my friends and family. I know her family extremely well she is one of my best friends so the problem is not that I am unable to understand her lifestyle. Having kids does not mean your life outside of the family home has to end. Nor am I being unreasonable asking to see my friends once every fortnight or so. So yes, as I said, thanks.

claraschu ... Thank you. Before she met her current partner she was a single mum and and we have spent a lot of time over the last 4 years with her and her daughter. So the problem in my case is not that I am unwilling to spend time with her and her family. Her daughter calls me aunty and I get on well with her partner. It is not a problem if her daughter comes along to outings etc she knows this that's not the issue. Like I say I am very close to her daughter. I'm not asking that we go out and rave 24/7.

Sorry, I thought maybe changing lives had meant friends who actually care a lot about you might have just been focused elsewhere. I have a couple of single friends who were so put off by my change of direction when I started my family that I lost touch with them , so maybe I am projecting.

It sounds like you are a caring and sensitive friend, and I really hope that you are feeling better. It is horrible to feel like people don't reciprocate when you reach out to them. As a foreigner with no old friends or family in this country, I am always finding myself in this position, and it is upsetting, so I do understand and sympathise.