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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really, REALLY not want to go to this wedding do tonight?

24 replies

HungryOnSlimFast · 20/09/2014 11:40

I have social anxiety. DP dismisses this as me being "shy" and "silly" Hmm

He's been invited to a wedding party thing tonight and I'm invited to and he wants me to go with him. I have agreed but only because he put the pressure on.

Now I'm absolutely dreading it. For a start I don't know anyone there. Secondly DPs friends are all engineer types, a lot of them managerial and it's all a bit "my car is newer than your car" "well my house is bigger than your house" and I just can't be arsed with all that shit. Especially as I'm "just" a student at the moment so compared to all their "posh wives" etc I feel a bit out of place.

Secondly I have nothing to wear. Ive put on a lot of weight recently, nothing I have fits and this afternoon will be spent trapsing around shops trying shit on that makes me realise just how much weight I've put on.

Lastly, I am genuinely suffering with a virus at the moment and just feel crap. I don't want to go. I really don't want to go :-(

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 20/09/2014 11:44

Don't go. Just tell everyone you're sick and don't feel up to it.

Also, your DP not accepting or understanding something that is so fundamentally part of your personality is, quite frankly, worrying. He shouldn't be dismissing your anxiety. Are you really suited to being with somebody who is so unsympathetic and uncaring?

AlpacaLypse · 20/09/2014 11:45

If you feel unwell with the virus you will not be an asset to the party. Hold that thought.

However, you are not 'just a student'. You are a person who is studying to improve her life and increase her future income. Unlike a lot of the 'posh wives' a number of whom I'll bet will be traded in for younger models in the years to come.

Do you know why you've put weight on recently? Is it anything to do with strain in your relationship with DP? If his friends are so different from the type of person you like, are you sure you two should be together?

KnackeredMuchly · 20/09/2014 11:47

You should go. Don't hide your light because you feel fat and poor. You are fabulous, go and have a fabulous time

Original poster
HungryOnSlimFast · 20/09/2014 11:49

I know I feel like i'm letting him down/showing him up as he'll have to go on his own but we've not been getting on great lately anyway and he has a load of things lined up for us (another one next week, a 40th birthday party where I won't know anyone) that I just can't be arsed with. I have a lot on my mind at the moment and just want to be left alone :(

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 20/09/2014 11:51

Tell him how you feel. It's up to him to stop making all these arrangements. He sounds totally insensitive and you don't seem suited if he's causing you all this stress.

How long have you been with him?

Original poster
HungryOnSlimFast · 20/09/2014 11:55

Even when I'm going out with my own friends (rare) I worry myself sick about it before hand.

But this one, I can't even bare to think about it it's stressing me out so much. We've been together 3 years.

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 20/09/2014 11:57

I can understand his point of view. He has a partner and would love to socialise with you. I wouldn't want DH to keep refusing to come to the social invitations I accept and am keen to go to.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 20/09/2014 11:58

Having a virus lets you off this time, no need to pass that around, especially to the happy couple. So don't go.

With an anxiety, the best way to get over it is to do the thing you are anxious about. Just do it. So not wanting to go to something like this is a given, but you should go to a wedding party for the sake of the wedding couple (or birthday person) and for your DP, to get over your anxiety. The longer you leave it to he worse it can get. Unless you are working through PTSD or a mental illness and need time to focus on that first, and address the social anxiety later.

What does your DP do on these occasions? Introduce you to people and include you in interwsting small talk, or talj shop/get drunk/walk off?

KnackeredMuchly · 20/09/2014 12:14

You can sink further, and crawl deeper into misery. You can push him away.

Or you can put on your dancing pants, go out, have a glass of wine and smile. Agree before hand that you are going home early by taxi and leaving him there, so you are not commiting to hours and hours.

GreenPetal94 · 20/09/2014 12:58

Unless you feel very ill I would go. Because the more you go to things the more you get to know people and it does over time get easier.

But try not to let it dominate now, maybe pick out one nice top that can go with dark trousers. It doesn't matter what you wear or that you are a student (although I think the other wives will envy that). But it will matter to your dh if you don't go.

Agree a way of communicating when you really want to go home and whether that is you both leaving or you slipping off.

My dh didn't want to go out to a birthday party with me last night (think post-referendum up here) and nor did my pal's husband. But then they met each other for the first time and ended up getting on really well and chirped up a bit.

Nancy66 · 20/09/2014 13:02

I really think you should try and go.

Can you meet him half way? Say you'll go but if you're not enjoying yourself you will get a taxi home after - say - 2 hours? He can stay or go with you according to how he feels.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 20/09/2014 13:04

I think you need to have a serious talk with him about his attitude. A decent person would not dismiss you out of hand but would be encouraging and supportive in helping you to overcome your anxiety so you can go to events like this.

cherrybombxo · 20/09/2014 13:05

I have really bad social anxiety and can work myself into a panic and feel sick even before meeting up with close friends, especially if we're meeting somewhere new. I've found over the years that the even is rarely as bad as I think it's going to be, my brain just thinks up every possible bad outcome and I convince myself that it will be awful. Try to go for a little while, you might find that you're okay and can stay for longer.

cherrybombxo · 20/09/2014 13:06

Event, not even*

IHeartLockhart · 20/09/2014 13:10

With an anxiety, the best way to get over it is to do the thing you are anxious about. Just do it. So not wanting to go to something like this is a given, but you should go to a wedding party for the sake of the wedding couple (or birthday person) and for your DP, to get over your anxiety. The longer you leave it to he worse it can get.

^^this!!!

I used to have terrible anxiety, I could barely leave the house at one point. Slowly but surely I started to face my fears and get out more. It's a slow process as you really can't rush yourself, but the more you do it the easier it gets.

You don't have to go to the wedding tonight if you really don't want to. Plus it sounds like a bit of a rush on trying to find something to wear.
Why don't you take your time to find something that flatters you and make sure you go to there other occasions he has lined up?

youmakemydreams · 20/09/2014 13:11

As someone who suffers from anxiety and was crying on the phone to dp yesterday over something silly but was working me up. Oh and someone carrying a bit extra weight I say try and go if you can. Like another poster said tell him you are taking a taxi home at x time so that if you really don't relax into it you have an out.

There have been so many times Dp and I have gone somewhere and for half way there and started telling him I want to go home and have ended up enjoying myself. I can't say every night out has been a blast but none have been as terrible as my anxious brain has worked them up to be.

chocolatemademefat · 20/09/2014 13:14

I've never really enjoyed social things - I prefer being home with a book. Not everyone feels comfortable in a crowd of people and over the years my DH has accepted thats just the way I am. I make an effort sometimes and usually find I enjoy it - but am usually glad to go home. I've never been anywhere I didn't want to leave!

If your DP is the right person for you he'll find a way to cope with this. I wouldn't worry too much about your weight - most people are not interested - I've learned this over the years. And the fact you're a student would make me envy you!

Trills · 20/09/2014 13:15

Why does your DP have boring boasty friends? Does he have any nice and interesting friends who are pleasant to be around?

diddl · 20/09/2014 13:19

lots of things there.
Not least that your partner dismisses how you feel.
His friends sound boring.
You are ill!

longtallsally2 · 20/09/2014 13:28

I have also suffered from social anxiety and understand how stressed out this can make you feel. In addition, you are ill and shouldn't have to go.

However - just one possibility - is the wedding very local? You say that you haven't been getting on well with your dp, but he wants you to go along with him (you, not some random slimmer stranger) so if it is very local, could you go along with him, on the understanding that you can leave at any time? That way, you help him arrive, and he doesn't have to spend the first ten minutes explaining where you are, and you may find, just maybe, that one of the other engineers has a partner who would appreciate someone to talk to.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

chipshop · 20/09/2014 18:17

I'm a bit shy and if I'm going to an event I'm nervous about I ask DP or a friend to look out for me and rescue me if I'm floundering. Could you ask your OH?

I do think you should go tho...

getdownshep · 20/09/2014 18:40

Im the same about social situations, get myself all worked up before hand and can always think of twenty reasons why I can't go.
I usually just drink wine tbh, it helps me!
Dh also had a tendency to bugger off and leave me standing alone so I told him if he did it again I would just go home, he then realised how nervous I felt.
I'm also intimidated by his work colleagues and their wives, they are all professional career women which I'm definitely notBlush
You should be proud you are studying,that takes hard work and committement.
Hope it all works out for you

KnackeredMuchly · 21/09/2014 07:43

What did you do in the end?

Hurr1cane · 21/09/2014 08:00

I hope you're ok.

I have a friend with severe social anxiety. He doesn't like to leave the house and only will often for be necessity of work.

I help him and try to get him out but I never ever force him. I get him to try. Tell him I'm going somewhere and to try but I won't be cross if he can't come. Because he knows I'm not annoyed/ won't be annoyed if he leaves early or suddenly and knows I'll make up excuses for him for others, he is able to come out for longer and more often with me than with his dad who forces the issue.

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