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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off at awol husband right now?

21 replies

ElizaPickford · 20/09/2014 00:57

I don't want to be a horrible controlling bag. But DH has always had some issues with alcohol and a year or so ago he went out on a works night, texted me to say he was about to catch the last bus home, and then fucking vanished until 6am the next day. I was scared shitless and about to call the police and hospitals when he rolled in absolutely paralytic and and abusive with it. (Verbally but still.) To make matters worse we were due to go on holiday leaving at 7am and he was too shitfaced to go, which left me with two traumatised kids to get out of the house past him and we went without him. It did a lot of damage to our relationship, and he laid off the alcohol for a bit but he's out tonight and I have a bad feeling. He has just finally texted me ( the last bus got in an hour ago) and he says he's getting a lift and will be another hour but he's not picking up and his text looks like it was written by someone who doesn't speak English.

I don't want to be a control freak but I get really worried when he goes out drinking. It doesn't help that he then sleep walks and flails all night and I don't get any sleep... Sad AIBU and a control freak?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 20/09/2014 01:03

Has he made you feel as though you're a horrible controlling bag freak?

Because to anyone else you'd be totally justified in asking him WTF he was up to choosing to be paralytic an hour before you were leaving on holiday.

Even though picking them up on being a wanker isn't a good idea when they're tanked up (more likely to kick off), what else could you do??

Your poor DC, but good for you going without him.

Is there anywhere else he can sleep?

How is he likely to take you telling him to sleep elsewhere though?

Original poster
ElizaPickford · 20/09/2014 01:13

He hasn't made me feel that way directly, but I think he has alcohol issues and he's thinks I'm overstating it. I just get very anxious when he drinks and think that probably looks like I'm an arsey cow if you don't know the story.

Unfortunately there's not really anywhere else he can go as we live somewhere small (hence last bus issues) but if he hadn't texted when he did I was tempted to lock the door and leave him to it. I'm just already mega pissed off (even if he's not totally hammered) because there's so much on tomorrow and I'm all wide awake and adrenaline-filled. It bloody sucks.

OP posts:
Original poster
ElizaPickford · 20/09/2014 01:17

He's in a band as well so they play pubs, clubs etc and often get free booze which isn't helpful. Plus I'm starting to feel a bit peeved that the band's schedule feels like it dominates every weekend at the moment and I'm stuck in while he's out doing that, but that's a side issue...

OP posts:
Serenitysutton · 20/09/2014 01:20

It's such a pain to have your weekend ruined for lack of sleep and worry. Hope he's back soon. I don't blame you a bit for feeling like you do - has he been out much since the holiday fiasco?

Original poster
ElizaPickford · 20/09/2014 01:29

He goes out twice a week generally with band stuff but only gets pissed at gigs generally, and while he hasn't been that drunk since The Incident he's been more pissed than is good, IYSWIM.

He's still not back. Angry I appreciate the replies- I'm trying not to seethe too much while I'm waiting to hear him stagger in...

OP posts:
Random1999 · 20/09/2014 01:36

Lock the door and relax on the sofa give him 30 minutes if he hasnt turned up fuck off to bed im not being nasty but i assume youve gotta be up with the kids in the morning, you dont need to be up until the crack of dawn wiping sick off your floor.

AgentZigzag · 20/09/2014 01:37

I would get yourself off to bed, it's not good to be taking it up with him if he's steaming, and even if you try not to let it, that rage is going to (understandably) leak out isn't it?

Any chance he could surprise you and be hangover free and up with the birds raring to get on with the weekend?

Can he let himself in?

Original poster
ElizaPickford · 20/09/2014 01:59

He's back. He fucking stinks and apparently has started smoking again. I've told him to sleep on the sofa and I can hear him downstairs ranting to himself. Angry

OP posts:
Random1999 · 20/09/2014 02:02

Smoking weed or tobacco? tobacco not too bad weed, get him the fuck out and im nbf hes got no respect for you doesnt seem to show remorse for his actions and if hes still getting a bit "too drunk" after gigs/practice sessions with his band clearly doesnt see his behavior as any form of problem. YANBU you've got kids to focus on.

Random1999 · 20/09/2014 02:02

Just to clarify NBF means not being funny.

lilmishap · 20/09/2014 02:23

Im still waiting on my idiot to come home after he 'popped out' at about 5pm. If he thinks Im giving up my one a week lay in tomorro, hes in for a shock. Hangover or none he's getting up with the LO

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 20/09/2014 07:42

Do you want this to be your lives forevermore? I'm shocked that you even ask if this is something you have the right to be upset about, and massively shocked at the holiday story. I can't believe you didn't dump his disgusting ass after that.
This behaviour is problem drinking, you know that right?

borisgudanov · 20/09/2014 15:47

He sounds like a selfish twat. Next time he buggers off for an evening on the tiles change the locks. By the time he's worked out that he's out on his arse he should be sober enough to find a rented flat to turn into his own personal pigsty.

Greenhrh · 20/09/2014 18:12

Sounds like a nightmare for you YANBU but he is!

Original poster
ElizaPickford · 21/09/2014 17:08

Thank you for all the messages. I made sure he was up at 8am to run the kids round to their lessons while I chilled out. He's had a bollocking and reckons he's going to leave the band and go teetotal but whether he will or not remains to be seen. I think he needs to talk to someone about his alcohol issues (he doesn't drink often but goes for it when he does ) which I definitely think constitutes a problem but I don't really know where to start with that.

OP posts:
justmuddlingalong · 21/09/2014 17:14

Not in the car, I hope.

Original poster
ElizaPickford · 21/09/2014 17:18

Christ no!

OP posts:
justmuddlingalong · 21/09/2014 17:22

Goodo! And you have my sympathy. My ExDH didn't drink often, but my God, when he did it was hellish. You worry, pace about, get angry and then feel relieved when they get home OK. It's no way to live. Please encourage him togget help.

Original poster
ElizaPickford · 22/09/2014 17:14

Shit, that's twice I've posted and lost my reply! Just to say that I've found a drop in clinic for him to go to tomorrow to get some info. And I'm going to book a holiday by myself I think because I'm ridiculously stressed and fed up of holding everything together.

Sorry to hear your ex was similar muddling - did he ever get help? (And did it help?!)

OP posts:
justmuddlingalong · 22/09/2014 17:36

No, he never thought it a problem. Confused. Unfortunately over time he became more EA and eventually violent. The stress was huge. At social occasions I was always on tenderhooks. Stupidly I hid it from family and friends. The straw that broke the camels back was when he attacked me, 41+ weeks pregnant, sleeping in bed when he rolled in about 4 am. That was it. Game over. It affects the whole dynamics of the family, so please encourage him to seek help. Alcohol abuse can break up families. I hope things improve for you.

borisgudanov · 23/09/2014 11:28

"reckons he's going to leave the band and go teetotal"

Porkair flight 392 to Oinksville now boarding gate 32.

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