To ask how you go no contact with family?

[MountainsorMolehills]

I always say I don't have any family to rely on when asked - in hospital, etc - because it's true, my mum is never there for me when I need her. We're fine as long as I'm being an acceptable daughter, but if I get sick or am upset she gets really cold and shuts down. We had been working on our relationship, and although I had been very careful with what I was saying, I had wanted to believe it was getting better and we had hope for the future.

But I made the mistake yesterday of starting to cry on the phone to her, talked about things I'm finding really hard and that I am so lonely and scared of never finding any more friends who have time for me (they're all very busy being newlyweds or working in europe etc) or a partner, for the rest of my life. Basically feeling unlovable. She was very chilly and just said I should start being nicer to people, especially her. I was very hurt, told her that wasn't helping, and that I was finishing the call. I am quite sure I'm not the horrible person she accused me of being, my friends would not say that about me.

I realise today the time has come to cut my losses. She doesn't really love me at all, she always manages to rip my heart out, I feel worthless and for a few hours suicidal. I think she knows the truth, that I'm a shit person who just needs to buck up and stop whining. But at the same time I know that isn't all true.

I know I have to go no contact, but I am terrified. How do I do it? How do I accept I have no mum? And it's stupid but how do I face Christmas birthdays aren't as hard, she just usually sends a text so not a big deal, but Christmas will be tough. Last year I was invited to spend it with two sets of friends, so I probably will have somewhere to go, but it's just feeling really hard

I can't answer your question - it's outside my sphere of experience but I want you to know - and believe - that you are NOT a shit person and you absolutely do not deserve negativity from the one person who should love you above all else. I hope you find a way through it.

Of course she's wrong

I can only speak from experience, but it's so much easier if you can manoeuvre yourself into a position where you just don't care.

No anger, no sad faces, no wishing she was something she's not, just nothing.

She's not the person to give you what you're looking for and need.

It's not your fault, or hers really, but it's definitely better save yourself the pain of constantly setting yourself up for her to lay into you and make you feel suicidal (!) (which for me is a pretty good measurement of how bad this makes you feel and how much you need to distance yourself in your head from her).

You don't even need to tell her you've decided to give her the brush off, let her drift away and enjoy the weight lifting and just wallow in that relief

You could take a look/post on the Stately Homes threads?

I have long since cut contact with the women that gave birth to me, and it's the best thing I have done. Your mother is bringing only negativity to you and you deserve better. You sound like a lovely person. Please don't let her bring you down any longer. She isn't needed in your life. Sounds hard but for your own sanity cut her loose and walk away. Your friends can support you through.

Two lots of friends asked you for Christmas. That's not somebody who is Unloveable? What does your mum do that is particularly speciál at Christmas?

It is very difficult and emotional to cut off contact. I would suggest seeing a counsellor to talk through the issues, and to support you through the process if you do go NC. Also focus on the people who do support and love you - friends, anyone else in your life.

You may well find that once your mother realises she's being unreasonable she changes her tune... or you may find you are much happier focusing on people who deserve your energy.

Keep minimal contact until after christmas and in new year go nc for a year and see how you feel next christmas. You don't have to make it difficult for yourself, do it how suits you best. But suicidal feelings always need following up.

Why don't you start by focussing on Christmas. Spend sometime thinking about, and writing notes on your dream Christmas. Then think and make notes on what Christmas with your Mum is and would be like.
Then try to think of alternatives for Christmas - so visit friends, go away (what kind of places), or really off beat ones (my local swimming pool does free swimming on Christmas morning). If you'd like to just go for a long country walk with a dog, I'm sure someone who is going away would love to lend you their dog.

Then try the stately homes thread.

Do contact your friends, often people can get a bit wrapped up at times in their life, but are perfectly willing to be there if called upon. And maybe do the things people do if they are lonely: do a class, volunteer, go on any work socials, join something (sport?), try to go to something every week (MN meet ups, Resident association meetings, politics, after work drinks...)

I'm not no contact with my family, but I am very limited. I don't call or answer calls and we see them very infrequently. It happened very gradually for me and I still feel guilty because my parents aren't actively unpleasant. There has been no big announcement, it's just clear to all that the status quo is limited contact. The important thing for me is that my mental health is no longer affected by my parents in the way it was.

You have to stop caring. You have to stop looking at her with rose tinted spectacles on as the saying goes, open your eyes fully and accept exactly what she is like and how detrimental she is to your life. Don't ever feel guilty for not talking to her because 'she's your mother and you should try with her no matter what'. That's quite simply a big old myth. You don't owe her anything at all, never feel forced to have her in your life because she gave birth to you.

I'm not NC with my mother but I barely ever speak to her and I am NC with my dad. I don't feel any remote guilt about it. Sometimes, particularly around Christmas, I feel a bit sentimental and wish I had the sort of family to come around and have a big old jolly Christmas with us but I know that will just never happen. I've accepted my family are fucking shit, it's the luck of the draw in the end and some of us are more unfortunate than others.

Don't hold anger, sadness or resentment within you, it quite simply isn't worth it. when you go NC you cut all ties and that definitely includes negative emotions you feel towards them. You eventually get to a stage where you're cold towards them, just don't really feel anything and that's the point when it gets easy. I often wonder if I'll even grieve for my parents tbh, as morbid and difficult as that is to swallow. Relationships are relationships regardless of who they are with- friends, lovers and indeed relatives. Sometimes they work out, sometimes they don't. Personalities clash and are incompatible and people are still dicks whether they 'gave you life' or they're just a friend. Granted, it's easier to drop friends but when you look at it like that you'll see how acceptable it is to drop parents too. If they're affecting your wellbeing, cut them out. No regrets.

We are nc with some of dh's family. More because we confronted their bad behaviour and then we didn't apologise for doing so . So they are no longer speaking to us, what a shame.

Your mother is behaving appallingly, most normal mothers would be desperately trying to console their daughter if they cried on the phone not be so horrible. Your mother sounds very toxic and I'm sure you will feel better for not having this negative presence in your life.

I really think you need to work on your depression. I don't think it is fair to blame your mum for everything. Some people are just hopeless around others who are depressed (yes, even mothers! it doesn't make them monsters) and it can be very draining indeed to have to "prop someone up" for years.

Change your telephone number and don't send any more cards or anything at all. Get on with your life and look to the future. You will feel a huge burden gone from your shoulders once you go no contact.

There are times when you'll think "what if", but remember that the person you have no contact with can never be what you need them to be. Your mother doesn't exist because she is not what a mother should be and never can be. Once you've lifted that burden of responsibility from yourself, then no contact is much easier.

I've been no contact with my mother for almost 20 years now and no contact with my brother for 11.

Good Luck

Thank you very much I know it can be done, I'm just sad about it.

Erm Minty I don't blame her for everything, but she neglected me as a child (literally never looked after me, palmed me off to somebody else) and allowed someone to abuse me psychologically for years and never stood up for me. I really wanted to make the relationship work, I can't when she's like this. And I am working on my depression actually, I'm in long term therapy.

Oh no love you are not shit, and anyone whether they are your parents or friends who make you feel like you are feeling do not deserve you. I would just distance yourself, don't accept her calls or correspondence, go to friends at Christmas, or with your partner and children (if you have any). I would delete her number and e mail, its probably cathartic, just do not engage with her. You will never live up to her unreaslistic expectations, so don't. She is not a nice person, not you. Here have a and it helps me when im down.

Good on you, and part of working on your depression and self esteem is not having contact with the people responsible. No longer communicate with her, delete her e mails or texts and her number too.

Thank you so much.

Been thinking, and realised I don't think it's guilt I feel at all - I feel angry when she ends up doing something really heartless towards me, but not guilt, which I think is maybe a result of all my counselling kicking in.

But I do feel SO sad. She can be so much fun and great to talk to as long as I'm behaving in a way she wants - ie not showing my depression, not referring to any of my problems. I have to be, not happy, but controlled and together around her and not have any needs. I can't do that anymore. But I;m sad because it means losing the 'fun' her. Though to be honest over the last year as I started being more honest about my feelings and not being silent she has grown more and more cold so there's not been that many good connected conversations anyway lately.

Some of us just drift into it. If you are the one that initiates contact, out of duty or habit or hopeful expectation that This Time It Will Be Different, decide to take turns. If the last contact was initiated by them, then it is their turn. If they contact you, then you can contact them again. But put forth no more effort. A birthday/holiday text deserves only the same in return. Dont try to expand it into a chatty note. If they don't bother even with that, then NC is established.

You cant choose your family, but you can choose your friends. I would turn to the friends who are choosing you. Plenty of us have chosen a family of friends. The first holidays spent this way will only have a few moments that feel odd. Mostly they will be as enjoyable as you hope. Dont be surprised to find many adults there are NC with their bio-family.

Sounds like whatever caused her to palm you off on others and ignore the abuse you received as a child has never been fixed. She is never going to be any better than she was til she deals with her own mess.

I went NC with my mother 7 years ago. my (now X)H wrote her a letter on my behalf which simply said that she was not to contact me again, and that I would not be contacting her.

It was a very healthy step for me to take. I have recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder which has been caused by neglect and abuse in my infancy and childhood.

I still sometimes want my mum. Except it isn't 'my' mum I'm grieving for - it's 'a' mum. She turned 75 this week. None of her 3 children are in contact with her. If you met her, she'd tell you she's been abandoned by her awful, selfish children. She's a narcissist and alcoholic. Unfortunately, I inherited the alcoholism but I'm a good few months sober now.

aaaand I'm rambling. Be strong and do what's right for you, OP. Sometimes our parents just weren't cut out for the job. As children, it is NOT our fault. As adults, we now have the power to keep ourselves safe, and there is nothing wrong at all in doing so.

Sometimes blood is thicker than water is a load of crap and harmful.

Your mother is abusive and allowed you to be harmed as a child. If a friend did that would you even talk to them again never mind spend time with them? Just because she gave birth to you does not mean you have to have a relationship with her.

I never had a mother of any kind after I was about 1-2 years yet she managed to fuck up my whole life and there is nothing that will make me ever speak to her again even though all I have ever wanted was a mum and still do now. I am stuck as a child and find it very hard to feel an equal to other adults.

Please protect yourself from anymore harm and walk away. She is a selfish person and not deserving of your love.

MountainsorMolehills

It's very hard isn't it, when it's your own parents who are abusive or just no good for your well-being. I have recently gone very low contact with mine and it has improved my life a lot already!

It's great that you have opened your eyes to how you mum behaves towards you and that you don't feel guilty. But yes it's hard. I worry about Christmas already too.

I'm NC with most of my family. I didn't make any big announcements, just let contact quietly drop to the point that I haven't spoken to most of them in years. I'm in very minimal contact with the rest - I see my mother about once every six years and we text/phone maybe once every couple of years? We always send birthday and Christmas cards though but there's never any question of us actually spending those days together. I also speak to my grandfather maybe once every six months and again we always exchange cards on birthdays and at Christmas.

My husband is NC with his father (his mother took her own life and he blames him for this) and informed him by email first then didn't reply to his father's response. There is absolutely NO contact on either side in this case.

Although we both dealt with it differently, one thing that we both have in common is that we absolutely just couldn't put up with these people any more and had reached a point where the rose tinted glasses were well and truly off and it felt like we HAD to stop contact for the sake of ourselves and our own children.

Probably the thing you're facing the most is not having a mother, or 'family' (eg at Christmas). It's not her, it's the idea.

Terrible sentences, sorry. Glad to hear you're in Lt therapy. She, your mother, isn't what you want her to be - should be - and never has been. There are huge chunks missing. That takes a bit of getting used to, it takes time, it's painful. We want it to work out (somehow, despite the evidence) but sometimes - often - it just isn't going to. They will never be what we want them to be, and have clearly advertised that over and over.

Time to be wonderfully wonderful to yourself. What would be your ideal Christmas? Do as much as you can of it for yourself, really treat yourself. I have the most amazing presents at Christmas, I love them all!

I am nc with my family and I absolutely luxuriate at christmas. I also work at a homeless shelter and really look forward to it - I'm with people who know precisely what it is like to have a shit family, I get to play loads of games (love games!), eat amazing food; great rapport with clients and volunteers alike. Really, give it a go, it's a real treat.

I practically skip and dance that I don't have to spend time with those revolting people: my family. It took a while to get there - tbh I've forgotten the pain of it bcs I'm so blissed out it's behind me and I have such a good time 'on my own'.

(I generally avoid invites that have me tagging along with someone else's family on the day. Some of us got a duff family, I prefer to spend time with people in the same, or similar, position.)