AIBU about childcare for DNs in school holidays?

[WishingFromMountianSide]

Apparently Dsis thinks I am so I would like some opinions of how to go forward from here.

Dsis has 2 children, one just started reception on just started year 1. She found out a few days before she was due to leave for a holiday of several weeks that she got accepted for a job, she called me and explained the job was 3 days a week but one of these days her CM takes off so BIL would collect the children on this day as he is a postman and finishes in time for school pick up. She asked me if I could look after DNs for this particular week day for SOME of the holidays.

She explained that her friend had said she could do a couple of days for her and she would use holiday leave for the rest of the CMs day off and CM holidays (1 week @ christmas,1 week Easter and 2 weeks at end of summer). I agreed to pick up SOME of the days for her, we didn't go in depth about it and she left for her holiday and only returned last week.

It transpires that she 'has me down' for 1 day in oct half term plus a non pupil day immediately after, and 4 days over Xmas hols (3 of the week day which i had said i would cover SOME and one additional week day), she then asked if I would like feb half term dates and can I let her know with in the week. I asked about her friend, apparently she can only help at Easter.

Her husband has used most of his holiday for this year and what he has left is booked and cannot be changed. He apparently can't take time off in Dec anyway but managed to get 3 weeks off unpaid leave last dec to go to Aus for cricket . She said he has to do his holiday form at the end of April for the coming year and that as holiday has to be book in week blocks and is unlikely he will get it for the school holidays as it is over requested.

^Does anyone know if this is true^

I wasn't expecting to be doing ALL of the holiday cover for this day as that isn't what she said when i agreed. Yes I should have checked in more detail when I agreed but I took it as what she said--SOME.

Now I wouldn't really mind too much if I needed to cover all the days until they can sort out both of the holiday leave in April and then I wouldn't be needed to cover or only provide a few days but I am almost sure that BIL who is a lazy, emotionally abusive, financially abusive twat of a man child, won't book his holidays to fit school holidays so it will be down to me and my sister.

Also just to point out (so to give the full picture), Dsis has MS, she was working when diagnosed and tried to return to work several times but her health suffered as she was still responsible for all house and child jobs so she quit to focus on her health. this will be her first job in around 15-17 months.

The biggest reason i agreed was that she regularly has no money left 2-3 weeks into the month but her husband does, she has to spend on credit cards to meet her and DNs needs and just pay the min every month. I believe from small things she has said that she is nearing her limits and in a bit of a mess. BIL won't give her money, he has expensive hobbies which are more important than say kids clothing. I wanted to try and help my sister out so she could become more financially secure.

I have a 3 year old so would be looking after her and a 4 and 5 year old. Yes I am sure it won't kill me but it won't be a walk in the park either.

I want to just hand her a list of when I can do, was thinking one day oct half term, 2 days xmas hols one day either feb/may half term and 2 or 3 days in the summer (always go away at Easter). I don't think that would go down well though.

AIBU to just give her said list/refuse some of the days she has me down for? How can I not piss her off and cause damage to our relationship?

Just tell her which days you can do and say no to the ones you can't

YANBU

And it's fine to say no. Let her know now and she's got plenty of time to sort an alternative

Also - your BIL sounds Very U on his prioritising expensive holidays over his DCs being clothed

You know, I do think when everyone else runs round to fill the gaps when a man decides he just will view his DCs as something that's not his responsibility, then everyone else is enabling his behaviour.

If you do it all, then there is no problem for BIL and you will stop your Dsis from having to acknowledge the problem that she's chosen to have DCs with a twat. And it is her choice. And she's chosen to not confront his behaviour, but to try to find solutions that don't involve him.

They are a couple, they both are responsible for their DCs, your Dsis is an adult who has accepted being in a financially controlling relationship. I would do 1 day of half term as that's short notice to find another solution, or earn the money to justify the cost. i'd also do 1 day of the Christmas holidays, but tell her that it's down to her and her DH to sort out, they will have other family and worse case senario, pay for care.

I agree with Mary. Her husband is being a dickhead and she needs to deal with that. Her children are her and her partner's responsibility. Not yours.

it's true about postmen booking all holidays in one go.

Have I got it right, is it one day per week in school holidays, until BIL gets home at c. 3pm, when you'll be home with 3yo anyway?

It's not right that she's just assuming that you'll do it but I don't think it will be that bad for you. Your DD will love her cousins' company and they'll keep her entertained. You might even find it easier than having to occupy her on her own all day.

Obviously it's entirely up to you, but if my sister's circumstances were as you describe, I'd help her out. You need to stop thinking about BIL's behaviour not being fair ( which it isn't) because that's not going to change if you have DNs or not.

But, if you don't want to do it, tell her clearly now, while she has time to make other arrangements.

My DH is a postie and has to book his leave in blocks about 18 months in advance. They have a weird system of longest service gets first request for the first two weeks then shortest service gets first request for second week or some such long winded bolleux It's a pita tbh.
Your sis is taking the piss though.

You have said you can babysit gorvsome days and she's asking you to look after her kids 6 days for the rest of the year?

I dont think that's an unusual amount to ask for but if you only want to do 2-3 just pick which of those days you can and say you're sorry but you can't do any more.

My dad, uncle and brother were all posties. It's definitely right about the ban on holiday in December. They all have to do what is known as the 'pressure shift', 12 hour days 7 days a week with one half day the week before Christmas for Christmas shopping. The block booking holiday also sounds familiar but I can't swear to that bit. But none of that is your problem. If you don't want to do it just tell her no.

So is it just 6 days then?
Goodness it's your sister, I would do it for a month if my sister asked. She needs your help so can't you just help without making a big deal of it.
Ywnbu to refuse but then again maybe you are not close to each other.

I think it's more difficult to say no when your sister is already struggling. Under the circumstances I think I'd just agree to it. But if you are actually planning holidays yourself at that time then just say you can't manage those particular days.

YANBU
If she was getting out of the relationship the would cut her more slack, and be more willing to help. But if she isn't doing anything about the financial abuse, then you helping too much could be enabling.

Irrespective of the intracies of holiday entitlements of postmen or anytone else, the childcare of your DNS is NOT your responsibility but that of your SIster and BIL.

You are very kind to offer to help her - remember you are doing her the favour. So give her a written list of what you can and what you can't do and make it clear to her it is NOT up for negotiation.

oh yes, and I agree that being vague about what you would do, you've left yourself open to a mix up in interpretation about how much you meant.

I think that you would be a bit mean to not help her under the circumstances. As others have said it is true that your BIL has to book his holidays in advance. The fact that your BIL is unreasonable seems irrelevant. Refusing to help will make your sister's life harder not his.

I just presumed when asked can you cover some mondays of school holidays for me it wouldn't be every monday as it appears to be up until the end of xmas holidays. I also presume that it will continue to be every monday as she asked me if I want feb half term dates now too.

It would also be all day until 530-6pm as according to Dsis BIL NEEDs some mondays to chill as every other one he has to do school run. which pisses me of also.

I think I will tell her that I will do all the mondays in the holidays until April and give her a list in advance until the next April with dates I will be able to do and she will have to book holiday accordingly and hopefully get BIL to do the same.

I think I will tell her that I will do all the mondays in the holidays until April and give her a list in advance until the next April with dates I will be able to do and she will have to book holiday accordingly and hopefully get BIL to do the same.

That sounds reasonable. I would say that your BIL has to pick them up earlier though as you are doing her a favour not him!

If taking the job gave her some financial stability and confidence to make changes in her relationship then i would agree to help any day she asked. This doesnt sound the case though.

It sounds as though your sister needs a helping hand to get her career established while juggling a seroous illness, small children and an utterly horrible husband. If you can do the days she needs without it becoming problematic for uour family, I think I would probably try to help.

If she knows that you are on help to support her, it might give her the confidence to tackle the abusive relationship she is in. Without support she is likely to feel stuck - not saying it's your responsibility because it clearly isn't , but her husband is obviously not willing to parent or support his children in any way.

YANBU but it sounds like she's in a really difficult situation too. If it was my brother (I don't have a sister), I'm pretty sure I would try to help them out as much as possible. I definitely would not commit to regular childcare for non-family though. could your sister not find another CM for those days her regular one can't take them?

"It would also be all day until 530-6pm as according to Dsis BIL NEEDs some mondays to chill as every other one he has to do school run. which pisses me of also."

FGS they are HIS children. Why the fuck should anyone else be looking after them if he is free to do it? Or have I misunderstood?

So your sister is asking for five days childcare over the next three months, six or seven if we include February. YABU. I did this for a friend when our babies were 6 months old. It was tough, but I did it because I cared.

Whether her husband is an arse or not (and if he is, she needs you more), she's your sister. She has MS. You can help her. And imagine how much it would mean to her if you did.