Not to be excited about my second pregnancy?

[Gwenci]

Please be kind, this is my first ever post and I'm feeling pretty rubbish already! :-)
I have a beautiful little girl who turns 1 next week. I'm also 13 weeks pregnant and my problem is that I'm just not excited in the slightest. With DD I was thrilled, couldn't stop looking at baby books etc, but this time around I just feel empty. It was an unplanned pregnancy and it took me by surprise. I'm just so worried about the whole thing.

DD is a right handful - never stops, is constantly on the go and never sits still - my mum friends find her constant activity funny but it's actually really draining. It's not that I'm worried I won't love the new LO, it's more that I'm petrified I won't be able to cope with the needs of a newborn plus my extremely demanding DD who'll be 18 months when the new baby arrives.

I just feel sad and guilty all the time - I want to be excited for the new baby but I'm just scared. Plus I feel terrible as I worry something awful will happen and I'll lose the baby as he 'knows' I don't love him yet. I also know other people spend years trying to conceive and it's happened to me so easily and I ought to be grateful but I just can't stop feeling as though I'm never going to cope. DH doesn't understand and just says 'of course we'll cope because we have to' and he's really excited. But it's different for him, he'll go back to work and I'll be the one at home with two babies. I feel like I can't talk to him as that's like admitting I don't want this baby. Which I do, I suppose if I'm honest I just don't want it yet. And I feel awful admitting that. Please tell me it'll work out in the end! x

It's soooo normal. You've been there, done that, got the T-shirt and you know what lies ahead...exhaustion and the rest, including all of the brilliant bits. You will be excited, trust me. Once you have your scan, it will all kick in. Look after yourself.

I wasn't excited about my baby until the 20 week scan and I saw DD suck her thumb. But then it faded and I was more dreading it until I held her in my arms. Then I was excited once I had something tangible to cuddle and hold. Now I can't imagine life without her.

That was my first baby. I probably won't be excited about any following babies, if I have any, until I'm holding them either.

It's hard to be excited about something you can't see (or even feel right now).

All you're feeling is pregnancy symptoms on top of taking care of a baby. That's hard to get enthusiasm about. Don't worry about it. When the baby comes you'll wonder what you were so worried about.

I just found out I'm pregnant with my second, yesterday. We only started trying last month, was hoping for a few months to adjust...I'm not thrilled or jumping up and down.

I'm dreading the morning sickness (all day in my case), fatigue, health professionals prodding me and telling me I'm too fat and gonna die, worrying about all the stages, being uncomfortable, knowing how hard having a baby is...

YANBU

Maybe later in your pregnancy you'll feel different, I hope you do as much as I hope I do!

You feel this way because you're no longer surrounded by the blissful ignorance you had you in your first pregnancy. You know it's hard work. So you're being realistic. There's nothing wrong with that.

I think the main problem actually is that your DD is still so young. You haven't had a chance yet to see just how much easier things get as your children get that bit older and more independent.

It will be hard. You will have days when you tear your hair out and wonder why you did this to yourself. But it will get easier.

My two (3 and 1) are currently running around amusing each other while I MN. I could not envisage this day when my DD was tiny and I was up to my eyeballs in screaming, demands and nappies. But it came. And it came fast.

They will not be little forever. In fact they will only be little for what seems like 10 minutes once it's all over. You just need to put your head down and get through it and appreciate the rare moments of gorgeousness that they apply just at the right moment to stop us putting them in the blender.

They will grow into wonderful little people. Sister and brother or two sisters, loving and hating each other and meaning the world to one another. You are creating that right now, for them. It's bloody hard. You can cry about it, and feel you're not ready, but it'll happen and it will be amazing, in ways you can't even envisage yet.

Meanwhile, eat chocolate.

I guess it's very hard for me to say yanbu as I've just suffered my 2nd miscarriage and would do absolutely anything to get to your point as I'm still childless.

That said, your feelings are just as valid as mine as they are your feelings! I also can't comment on how you should be feeling because actually maybe you aren't in blissful ignorance anymore as a pp said.

I am sure though you will start to feel better once it feels more real so don't be too hard on yourself and just look after yourself

Totally understandable! The fact your so guilty for feeling such normal feelings re: the situation just shows what a sensitive person you are (like me) it will be hard, but look up threads on here for advice for two under two (as I have done), borrow friends new babies for practice (as I have done ) and basically prepare as much as you can! The fab thing is it will be over before you know it ... The sleepless nights etc, but I am sure- like me- you will miss the newborn and early stages too. I am going to have 2 under 2 soon by the way. I planned my pregnancy, but sadly it is has been a very difficult and emotional pregnancy for various reasons which has knocked me for six and made me question our choice to concieve (in past) also my dd has become WILD. The older she gets the wilder she becomes- so I empathise with the worrying. All babies are different though. We have have two totally placid babies next :)

I found out I was pregnant with DD2 when DD1 was 7 months old, I felt exactly like you, changing nappies with morning sickness isn't fun! and some relatives certainly didn't help with comments like "oh so soon" and "was it planned"
But it was fine, ok, some hairy moments when both wake at night, or both have colds and whine all day
At times it was like having twins and they were, and still are so close, (in their 20's now) I won't lie and say it's easy but it does bring great pleasures, they have each other to keep amused and their was never any jealousy as DD1 just accepted her from day one, she was just 16 months old and used to love "helping" with baby, it was lovely to watch them grow together,
Best of luck, you will be fine

Welcome to pregnancy the second time round.

If it helps, nobody else will be very excited this time either. Go for a third and they'll ask you when you're going to stop

I spent most of the second pregnancy worrying because I knew I could never love a second child like I loved the first - I was determined never to let dc2 know.

Then he was born and guess what, I did (love him as much). And it was very hard initially (though in many ways easier then being pregnant with a young toddler). Then it got easier and easier (the day ds1 could be trusted to sit on the sofa and eat a banana without getting it all over himself and/or the sofa was a great milestone) and its wonderful having two (or more).

Right now though rest, chocolate and cbeebies are your friend.

cailindala loved your post by the way :)

calindala

Mine have always had to have extremely cute pyjamas. it is extremely important to their survival that they are as appealing as possible at 2am.

Not pregnancy related, OP, but I felt similarly when we got engaged. I felt like everyone else expected me to be jumping up and down with excitement and showing off the ring, shouting it from the rooftops etc. But I just felt a mild sense of shock and kind of awe that we were committing to the rest of our lives together and didn't everyone know how hard it could be and were we really up to it?! And I kind of felt like that right up to our wedding, it's such a huge commitment that I just couldn't lose my head over it and only see all the fun stuff - if I did I don't think I would have had a clear idea of what I was committing to.

BUT, without a doubt, the best decision I've ever made and despite not being beside myself with excitement 24-7 it has just got better and better.

Sorry if that doesn't help being non-pregnancy related, but I can totally empathise with not being excited and celebratory at what is expected to be a happy time. It doesn't help that it feels weird to not fit the stereotype of a bride-to-be/expectant mum!

cailindana

I think the main problem actually is that your DD is still so young. You haven't had a chance yet to see just how much easier things get as your children get that bit older and more independent

Oh completely this!

Guys, I can't thank you enough!! What lovely comments, I think I'm having a particularly fretful day today but you've all made me feel so much better (and normal!) I'm so grateful to everyone who's taken the time to post.

BrummieGirl15 I'm so sorry for your losses It must be incredibly hard to read a post like mine after what you've been through and still show empathy, I'm so grateful. And it has made me make an extra effort to feel grateful for what I have. I'd be devastated to go through what you have and you'd have very right to tell me I'm being unreasonable. I so hope everything works out for you and you get the baby you deserve.

Cailindala Your first post made me cry (the bit about giving DD a sibling she'll cherish, I hadn't thought of it like that) and your second one about cute pyjamas made me laugh so much! Plus that's a tactic I hadn't thought of, I will totally be doing that!!!

Thanks again everyone, you've been amazing, I feel more positive already! And if that wears off and the fear comes back, I'll just come back and read these messages!
xxxxx

I'm in a similar situation, although we planned a second so soon. I am very nervous about having a newborn and a 19 month old (also incredibly active and a bit wild), but I keep looking at tiny baby photos of him and I find that gets me excited about having a new one again. Of course I remember how hard it was, but how lovely and special too.

You'll be fine. And your DH is right, you will cope!

Sorry, just realised it was barbarianmum with the cute pyjama tactics!! Love it.

P.S - Honeezreturn My MILs first, and only, reaction was to say 'well...you're a glutton for punishment.' Lovely!!

I totally get where you're coming from and felt so guilty that I was treating my second pregnancy like a "nuisance" - I sailed through my first pregnancy, was glowing, barely any weight gain.

The second pregnancy was just a pain in the arse, I felt fat, exhausted, and every time the baby kicked I felt sick and got annoyed with it. Then I found out I was having another boy and I just rolled my eyes in my head aand kept thinking "pain in the bum #2 on the way!"

And then he arrived and it was exactly the same magic of the first - DS2 is the happiest, smiliest little soul, 6 months old now and he makes me burst with joy every time I look at him. And watching him follow his big brother with his eyes and breaking into squeals of delight everytime DS1 makes a face at him is amazing.

I truly hope they grow up to be the best of friends. It is very normal to feel such apathy with subsequent pregnancies but it doesn't make you feel any less for them than the first when they finally arrive!

Glad you're feeling better - just a question, is there no chance you could do some pt work even if it only covers costs? Might help you feel a bit less stuck. Not sure that's what you're missing though, alternatively, any chance you can afford a couple of nursery sessions for one or both to get a few breaks? My mum got v bad pnd as she had two very close, I'd try and look into what extra support you can get for the early days, I agree long term it'll probably be better as my sister and I played a lot together as close in age.

Gen35 I was actually (admittedly a little half heartedly) looking for a PT job before I found out I was expecting again. I think that might be a bit out the window now as doubt many places would relish a pregnant part-timer - plus I'm more tired with the pregnancy this time round. But nursery for my older DD is definitely on the cards. In fact, when I told DH I was pregnant and was clearly worried about it, one of his first suggestions to calm me down was a couple of mornings at nursery for DD. I'm hoping that will give me time to gather my thoughts and focus on the new baby for at least a little while.

You will be fine, don't fret. You'll be able to tell your DD what a wonderful big sister she is. She'll be so lovely & proud that she'll rise to the occasion.
I'm not surprised you're knackered, that's totally normal. Be kind to yourself & all will be well.

Gwenci I think that's a really good idea, you and your dh should treat these extra childcare expenses as short term and absolutely vital for you both to be able to have some semblance of sanity. I'm expecting dc2 and I have a 4 yr age gap and I will definitely be paying for the help I feel I need to cope. And, you can always look for a pt job when your second is at a certain point, very important not to set expectations up that you will just cope with everything instead of seeing how it goes and getting help accordingly.