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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

110 miles but 3 too many

48 replies

TheHorseDentist · 18/09/2014 23:08

I'm feeling heartbroken but I need some perspective as I may be being unreasonable.

It's my PFB's birthday this week. Not having a party or any planned gathering, but people are popping in throughout the day with gifts.
My family- parents and sibling live 110 miles away and we very rarely get chance to see each other as it is a 3 hour trip and I can't drive.
They will be visiting an event 3 miles away from my home on PFB's Birthday and were planning on stopping for some cake. They have now said that they won't be coming to see their grandchild because they have tickets for another event and need to get back.
I have just cried down the phone to my mother. I feel so rejected, PFB won't notice but I will.

OP posts:

ShadowStar · 18/09/2014 23:53

I'd be feeling pretty rejected as well at this,especially as they've got the tickets to the evening event after arranging to see you.

livsmommy · 19/09/2014 05:34

I think that's pretty mean of them to be so close and not be calling in, especially after it was arranged they would be. Of course a baby's first birthday is most exciting for the parents, but surely it is for the grandparents to, they're not just any old distant relative?! I would be very hurt and upset if my family didn't come and see my daughter on her birthday YANBU OP.

catsmother · 19/09/2014 05:46

I think the 1st birthday is a bit of a red herring, as the OP herself acknowledges in her final sentence. As she says, it's about her parents rejecting her really as opposed to the party. She says she rarely sees them as she doesn't drive, so even if it hadn't been a special occasion, this would have been an ideal opportunity for a catch up if they were 3 miles down the road and I expect the OP hoped that her parents would have been of a similar opinion.

However - they're clearly not, and it doesn't take too much imagination to recognise that most people would be hurt by such disinterest. When you also take into account that they had agreed to a visit, but then blew OP out for another event they booked afterwards, that's pretty shitty and very rude, apart from being hurtful. It's as if they were waiting for a better offer to come along - and made sure that it did by deliberately booking the 2nd event. No-one forced them to do that and it's astonishingly rude. A normal considerate person would have honoured their previous commitments, or, if this event was so extraordinarily special, one of a kind etc., would have shown the courtesy of discussing it with OP - and maybe suggest plans for a visit on another day - before booking.

Sorry OP I think it stinks.

KatieKaye · 19/09/2014 06:15

So sorry for you, because of course you are hurt. They are stunningly selfish.

It sounds as if you will have a lovely day with people who care about you and your family. Concentrate on that because it is your parents who are the losers here. With their attitudes they are unlikely to be able to form a close relationship with their GC.

It all sounds so pointed on their part, as if they are trying to "teach you a lessons" which is warped.

Ignore. Don't instigate the next contact and be non committal when you next speak. If they can't be bothered to make an effort then accept that and that they are not a close part of your life through their own choice.

NoodleOodle · 19/09/2014 06:21

Yanbu to be upset OP. Unless they were Kate Bush tickets, they should have come to see you and DC.

littlejohnnydory · 19/09/2014 11:11

That's awful, I can sympathise. I once lived about 300 miles away from my parents and they drove right past the town I was living in without stopping to see me, I was gutted and it wasn't even anybody's birthday. YANBU.

WiseGuysHighRise · 19/09/2014 11:16

Oh love!

FWIW I think they were bang out of order buying tickets for soemthing after they had arranged to come to you.

NutellaPancakes · 19/09/2014 11:22

I would be upset.

I live a long way from family too - about 6 hours, so it's difficult and expensive to see them often. But everyone makes a huge effort - taking days of work, rearranging schedules, working late, travelling to meet up somewhere in the middle, so we can see each other as much as possible.

quietbatperson · 19/09/2014 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jill2015 · 19/09/2014 12:42

Aww, I'm sorry, OP, I don't really know what to say. It's their loss, in the end, if your little one grows up, not knowing them.
There is an expression, that I think rings true in these kind of situations, 'you can choose your friends, but not your family'.
Make the most of the good people who are in your everyday life, and enjoy them dropping in on the day. Maybe try to arrange a family visit on a specific day, with loads of notice to them, beforehand. If they can't be bothered, then it may be that you just have to accept that is how things are, and not make any more effort.

littlemslazybones · 19/09/2014 12:47

When you were crying down the phone to your Mum and you were telling her how you felt, what did she say?

I can't imagine how any mother with an ounce of compassion could have ended that conversation without an apology and an attempt to reassure you that you are an important part of her life.

It's them, not you. That's a horrible thing to do to anyone.

iK8 · 19/09/2014 12:47

They are appalling shits.

Create your own network of people who care about you. Just because you share DNA doesn't mean you have to share your life with them.

picnicbasketcase · 19/09/2014 12:48

I think in your position I would give u trying to stay in contact with them and see how long it takes for them to put some effort in with you. I would be very hurt by this too.

NecesitoDormir · 19/09/2014 12:50

That is awful behaviour. Don't let their pettiness ruin your day though. It is their loss. (Speaks as someone with experience of such matters).

IK8 is correct in saying sharing DNA sometimes doesn't mean much.

Only1scoop · 19/09/2014 12:52

Surely they could spare half an hour on dc birthday....when did they last see their gc? I think I'd let them instigate next visit etc.

Original poster

TheHorseDentist · 19/09/2014 13:33

Thank you everyone. I really mean it. You have helped me a lot.

My mother and I have never bonded, ever. She has never been malicious but has never had me as a priority in her life. She just went through the motions of parenting. But my Dad, I'm really hurting. I was a daddy's girl and gradually he has just become less and less bothered. I don't even know how to begin to remove myself from them. I still stupidly feel like i need their approval.

OP posts:

KatieKaye · 19/09/2014 13:36

That is totally normal ime! Not stupid at all because it's natural to expect unconditional love from your parents.

GColdtimer · 19/09/2014 21:02

Have you tried telling them how you feel? Perhaps in a letter if face to face is too hard. They may just think you have your own life and there is no room in it for them. I think you need to communicate how deeply hurt you are.

Daddypigsgusset · 19/09/2014 21:10

Can they come the night before and stay over with you thus seeing dgc on the morning of their birthday before travelling around to their events The following day?

ILovePud · 19/09/2014 21:49

I'm sorry OP that really sucks, I hope you and your little one have a lovely day surrounded by people who care about you. Your parents are missing out on the relationships they could have with you and your child and it's their loss, you have the opportunity to grow into a very different type of mum than you had and enjoy the relationship you have with your child.

DayLillie · 19/09/2014 21:54

When it was my pfb's first birthday, my mother phoned to tell me that since my PIL could not come (due to FIL's long term illness) they had decided that they would not come and see me. I accepted this but I was sad.

So I invited some of the people around who I had met over the year and a couple of people I used to work with for a little party. It was very nice, although they were not bit party people, had family near them so did not really get this, and I tried far too hard (I was rather young and daft). But I tried.

They always had excuses, and it took me about 12 years to call them up on this. Then things really went downhill .

I hope yours turn out better than mine.

stealthsquiggle · 19/09/2014 22:01

That's shitty, OP, but I think it's more common than you would like to think. One friend once told me bitterly that his parents were happy to drive 100+ miles to see their horse race, but their DGC's birthdays, a couple of miles further on, were declared to be "too far to come". Another friend remarked that somehow my mother had bothered to come and see her in something (a show, it was a big deal for her) but her own mother couldn't be bothered.

Having always had slightly overinvolved parents, I can see how much this hurts. In the long term, it's them that will lose out on having a relationship with their DGC, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Veritata · 19/09/2014 22:05

What are the events? If the evening event is unique it is perhaps understandable.

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