to wonder how many times

[bigblackhole]

A previously positive person who always geed up others, who always said things will get better, can be kicked by life until they become as bitter, negative, twisted as everyone else? or "realistic" as DH calls it?

And to wonder if such negative poison can be passed through breastmilk? Because while I've namechanged as tomorrow I will try and pull up again right now I can't feed 10wo DC3 because I feel like all I have to give is weakness.

But what if it gets to tomorrow and I realise that that's it? I'm done? I can't try to be that person anymore. I can't be positive and logical again, what the fuck do you do when you can't ve all that you were? How do you change personalities so dramatically and still not let your DCs see it?

Are you okay?

You sound very down. Your baby is very young. If you're still having these feelings of despair tomorrow then please see your GP.

I'm really really not ok.

I won't do anything drastic and while I've driven away I will go back when DH calls to say she needs feeding as how can I not? But I also know I'll look at their beautiful innocent faces and know how crap the world I've brought them into is.

5 years ago I looked at DC1 and thought I'd show the beauty in this world. That I'd never let her innocence be marred by anything but fairy dust and love until I had to. Now she hears tears and worries robbers are outside. No idea why robbers but it must be because she feels somethings not right? How long before the 2 year old starts to feel it too?

Your baby needs your milk or formula. Your state of mind cannot be passed on to your baby via breast milk. Please talk to someone in real life about how you are feeling. Is your DH there with you?

Sorry I'm being melodramatic but I've been steadily cut off from everyone I Could ever talk to. So I guess you lot are the last bastion of offloading which is truly messed up really.

I'll offload and hopefully thenbe o. That's how it's been recently I'm just scared the offloading won't work and I won't actually be able to get up again.

Has something happened that led to these feelings?

Children have irrational fears sometimes unrelated to everyday life. My 5 year old thinks the curtain in her room is a monster.

He's at home he's depressed about the same situation. He's caused it so my eventual defeat makes him feel worse.

I will feed her I just can't believe that the warm loving feeling I get from that can overcome the stormwalls of shit we are in.

God I sound like an angsty teen. Please slap me.

You sound very low but there is help out there if you make the first step and speak to your GP.

Please go and see them and tell them what you've just written here.

No slapping here.

How deep is the shit we are talking about here? Sometimes there is help that we do not realise is there until we reach out. I personally have been in lots of shit (debt, homelessness, life changing surgery etc ...) and have found that it is nearly always not as bad as I fear once I stop thinking and start taking action.

Except we were registered at the wrong place and the HV found out today and therfore I now have no gp until I find another.

I needed that continuity, I felt I may be able to talk to one of the female gps I've known Fir years there now that's gone too and feels like the last straw.

That's why I used family address to register there the gps round here are shit and unsupportive.

Oh love, you sound very down. Please seek some support. My dcs worried about robbers, monsters and all sorts at that age and I promise they're happy, well adjusted little things now.

This will pass, but you may just need a bit of tlc to get through it. There is a lot of good in our world, try to focus on that.

You can still see that GP if someone from the family address is in their catchment. You can register as a temporary patient. You fill in a form and get seen. I have done it from my Dad's address before.

Huge huge debt tens of thousands and no surety more isn't coming (we lost a business). Plus DH is broken, he believes everyone sees him as a failure and I can't be the support any more.

I just have such a fear building about what's coming next, I'm scared my DCs will get ill. It feels like being attacked. I think That's probably irrational but it's how my heads starting to think.

Thank you another, I might do that. I feel like begging them to let me stay even if HV service has to move. But then HV will see me there and though she is lovely she'll know I'm a fraud in being there.

I have a huge headache. I feel so pathetic whining about this because I'm sure debt isn't insurmountable but it's the emotions behind it. The destruction of DH and I and our relationships with others and each other. And it's been a drip drip drip of bad news everyday. FILs gone from secure to fucked. SIL might lose her house and she's a highly paid professional. BILs co just collapsed. Others are ill, really badly not getting better ever ill and on and on and on drip drip drip.

Small steps OP, you can't possibly carry the weight of all those other people's emotions.

There is a great thread on here for debt mutual support. This one.

Call the National Debt line on 0808 808 4000, they might be able to offer some suggestions on how to proceed.

Bankruptcy can actually be a very positive experience. It was for me.

Absolutely I thought of an organisation called www.macss.org.uk who can help and it's small steps and do try and call your HV back and the other GP - it's big now but you can get back to being you again - huge hug - you aren't alone

Thank you, hearing that gives perspective.

DH says I'm a control freak. I can't stand the uncertainty. When I try and fix the fractured relationships I make things worse. But how can I change who I am? How can I just go with it and let everything burn around me without understanding the whole picture? And how do I give up and accept that in this world the bastards win?

We've done nothing to deserve this, we invested in someone we trusted who fucked us and has himself walked away scot free. A local company has sent a "copy" of a personal guarantee today only DH never signed that, it's fake, the person who we trusted got us involved with this company and now today just shrugs and says "yes I've heard they do that". We don't even have the money to fight and prove its fake, they win just through being bigger. That fucks with my whole (naive) world view.

And while I can look at things dispassionately and try to find a non emotional way through, another bit of me is in a mess, breaks and cracks and sinks further. But how to get help when on the one hand I can be so logical and ok then the next I am keening and banging my head on the kitchen counter to make the anger and frustration go away. I can't believe I did it, I pulled bits of my hair out too. It's like the rational me looks at that me and thinks WTF?!

Oh you sound like you have had a shitty shitty shitty time of it, and a 10wo to nurse too. Which on its own is enough to bring many women to their knees. I can't fix it, but here to hold your hand and say I have been in a similar position, but that it did get better, slowly, with an effort.

Taking action is the most important thing, put one foot in front of the other, even if you're not sure where you're walking to. List the debtors and the amounts, write to each one and offer a settlement figure or a repayment plan BASED ON WHAT YOU CAN AFFORD. No more. If that's a £1 a week, so be it. Get the red letters to stop plopping through your letterbox and you will be able to see the next task to do. Make your dh help, even if he is miserable. We had >£30k of debt that my dh had hidden from me while his business sank. It was a horrible shock, devastating. I was so so so angry with him but we worked through every debt and it took us 3years it clear them. We negotiated debts down, paid what we could when we could, kept in touch with them all.

"If you're going through hell, keep going" don't stop there!

Insist on a GP appt, some good advice above re emergency registration. Make your HV work it out for you.

I also often wonder what kind of fucked up world I have brought my children into but then my grandparents said that, and their grandparents before them. I hope our generation of recycling, and green energy will grow and prosper in their hands and they will be the generation to improve the way the human race uses resources.

If you are a naturally positive person, you will find yourself again, you are still you and you will recover from this.

How are you today OP?

Also wondering how you're doing today. Sending hugs and best wishes just to let you know people are still thinking about you. Have you had any luck with any type of appointments of any kind?

OP, can I just tell you. I've been in the same position where I was registered with the wrong GP and was being deregistered. However I had a health emergency so they agreed to see me to deal with that.

You do sound very low indeed and it sounds like you need to see a GP as a matter of urgency.

If you can't get through to your GP is there a walk in centre near you or could you dial 111? It really sounds like you need some support fairly urgently.

And re the fake guarantee, if someone has forged your husbands signature that's fraud and it's a criminal offence. You shouldn't need money to fight that, report it to the police. I work with that type of fraud in my job and I know what I'm talking about, honestly this is a police matter.

Op, I know this is of NO help whatsoever. But I need to say it.

You have the most amazing ability to express feelings through the written word.

A real wordsmith. Your angst & worry & terror are so vividly described on screen.

Hope you didn't mind me saying this..