Father's GF dictating when he can see his DS

[Skegnessie]

Have NC for this as it's not about me.

This is a situation that's happening to a friend of mine, and while she's not exactly taking it lying down she's so beaten down by the whole thing that she really doesn't know what to do about it, so I said I'd canvass some opinions on here. Her DS is 7, she's been separated from his DF for four years and the DF has been living with his current GF for about two years; they live a thirty min drive away.

The DF is in my opinion the very definition of a Disney dad, but that's not the issue here. My friend and him currently don't have any formal custody arrangement in place, but up until recently the DS has been spending every other weekend with his DF and seeing him occasionally after school. The DS has special needs, he's ASD and although he copes fine in mainstream education and is a very sweet little boy in general, he's also prone to anxiety related meltdowns and can be quite demanding at times. His DF's GF has decided that because of this she can't cope with having him around, and has told his DF that his son can only come to stay when she is at work, which the DF has agreed to!

The GF has a job where she's away from home for blocks of several days, but not necessarily every other weekend so my friend now has to plan her life around when this woman is working away so her DS can see his DF. I have told my friend that she really needs to get a formal custody arrangement in place, but beyond that how can she make her ex see that his GF has no right to say when he can and can't see his son?

Bump

I don't think it's up to you or the GF - it's up to him and your friend.

GF sounds like a twat and I doubt it'll last - but if he wants to let her tell him that she'll only see him when he's not playing at being dad - then that's their prerogative.

It's a tough one because if he's quite a demanding child and his Dad is a Disney Dad, the chances are his care is probably more down to the GF.

Perhaps she's making a stand and telling him that he's got to step up to the plate, and care for his own son?

Who knows really.

I'd tell your friend to email him a fair contact schedule and tell him his son will be available for contact on these days should he choose to man the fuck up and be a parent the pathetic wanker

I'd also give a day and time for weekly telephone or Skype contact.

Worra, you're pretty much right about the GF doing the parenting, from what I can understand she's left to "discipline" her BF's DS while he mithers about, but I don't think she's asking her BF to step up, I think she dislikes his son and the disruption he brings to their life.

If you're dating a man with a child - then you tell that man "when you have DS, I'll go out with my friends" not that he can't have him!!

Stop making it about the GF. The father is the one who has a duty towards the child- and he is the one who is choosing his relationship over his son.

It's definitely down to him to parent his own child

For all we know, this could be the last straw after years of her pleading with him to stop leaving the parenting to her.

Ultimately, he should have stepped in and sworn to look after his son instead of agreeing to this.

Other than move out of her own home or dump him, I don't see what else this woman can do?

I agree it's the Father's attitude/actions that are the problem here not those of the GF or his son.

It sounds like the last thing this child needs is uncertainty about where he will be and what he will be doing. I would cite this as a reason for getting a formal schedule drawn up.