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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ban fighting in my house or is there a more positive way to approach this...

20 replies

MerryMarigold · 18/09/2014 12:36

The fighting is driving me bananas at the moment. I thought it was the summer holidays. I thought it would wear off when they went back to school.

They are 5,5, and 8! It can only get worse.

So, I am thinking of banning all play fighting, wrestling, tickling, rolling around under the bedcovers. Anything which potentially turns into a 'real' fight. I am not sure how to also ban unkind words, taking the mick, running off with other people's stuff to deliberately wind them up etc.

Will this work? Is there a more positive approach?

I am really losing patience with it at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryMarigold · 18/09/2014 12:39

Oh yes, and do you punish the original perpetrator or the retaliator or both. Both equally? What if the retaliation was worse than the original action (eg. ds2 runs off with ds1's lego man. Ds1 hits him in the back.)

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Itsjustmeagain · 18/09/2014 12:42

I wish it would work but i dont think it does!

TBH the only thing I have found works is getting involved LESS. I think mine have found that when they are left to deal with the consequences of starting a fight ( rather than have me step in all the time) they dont find it so attractive and are more careful with their behaviour.

UriGeller · 18/09/2014 12:43

I think its a bit unfair to go completely 'contactless' . I know with my boys, they'd often playfight, roughhouse, tickle and wrestle to get some hugging from each other. Its a really good way for them to release energy and even the resulting tears are a great release of emotion from a hard day.

I'd let them get on with it.

DiaDuit · 18/09/2014 12:47

I did this and the result has been brilliant. we are all so much nicer and less shouty and snappy. I banned all play fighting, computer games with fighting and nasty attitudes. I sat down with them (5 and 9) and told them I couldn't cope with it anymore and I knew they hated feeling angry and upset with each other. they agreed and we made a promise to treat each other as if we were talking to our best friend. we agreed on what that meant- say nice things, offer help, 'hugging not hurting'. I stopped punishing other than separating them. If they fought I would ask if this was acceptable behaviour and they both knew it wasn't so stopped and apologised to each other and me. sometimes they would try the 'he started it' and I would tell them both that someone can only fight with you if you fight back. if you walk away there is no fighting and you cant get in trouble. it really is brilliant. they hardly ever even bicker any more.

PiperIsOrange · 18/09/2014 13:44

The rule is keep your hands, feet and unkind words to yourself.

Break the rule and there will be consequences.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 18/09/2014 14:35

Thanks guys. Really helpful. I think we will need to have a few of those chats, diaduit. It's just recently got out of hand. Started with a lot of bickering towards the end of summer term and I thought, well we are all tired. Then the holidays it got worse and I thought, well we're all spending too much time with each other and a bit bored. Now it's a habit and there are no more excuses. Maybe I can let the playfighting back if we manage to get out of the bad habits.

Diaduit, is lego star wars a fighting game? (gulp)

Urigeller, I used to be very much of your school of thought. It was a great way for ds1 and ds2 to bond from a young age, but it always ends in tears now - shouting, hitting, anger, retaliation. Then I'm at a loss what the punishment should be, who should be punished etc. etc. and it's so stressful. Only separation is a great idea. And that can be for unkind words as well as unkind actions. We need a brainstorm.

OP posts:
DiaDuit · 18/09/2014 14:46

not sure! Grin we don't have star wars here yet so haven't seen that one.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 18/09/2014 15:28

There's light saber battling but they are lego figures so not 'realistic' and they fight against the baddies as a team. I dunno. Restrict it more probably. At least today is more of a football day!

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FunkyBoldRibena · 18/09/2014 15:38

How about a 'get out of it' word that anyone in the family can say to call a hault to proceedings. I use a word that we don't use very often [dramatic], and I have my nieces well trained. I have two rules, if I say that word, they stop whatever they are doing and play statues. It was started for safety to stop them if they ran near a road, and it has been used every since. Secondly, I tell them if they start playing roughly then someone is going to get hurt and I don't wanna know 'she did/said/nonsense'. So when it starts I say the magic word, or 'someone's going to get hurt' and it surprisingly stops it all.

The third rule - is if they make someone cry, then they wake up bald. They complained to their dad about that one but he agreed it was a goer.

DiaDuit · 18/09/2014 15:44

I think them fighting the baddie together is good. it's one of the tactics I sue to 'unite' my two when they aren't feeling too friendly towards each other. I make them a team, either against me (in a game obviously Grin) or set them a task that involves teamwork. I wouldn't worry about lightsaber battles of lego figures. the ones I banned were games they brought from their dad's that were very realistic humans wrestling or cage fighting Hmm rated 18 so I had very valid reasons to ban them anyway (ideally I'd burn them!) basically anything I wouldn't be happy with them re-enacting.

funky's ideas are great too. I like the idea of a halt word.

morethanpotatoprints · 18/09/2014 15:48

The problem with banning play fighting or anything else if the dc don't see the benefits they will still carry on doing it.
I know twins both boys, who fought so much they were prepared to fight to the end.
In general they were lovely lads from a nice family but both stubborn to not give in.
one time they put each other in a&e.
This wasn't play fighting though, but how can you stop something that is just natural for boys and some girls.

DiaDuit · 18/09/2014 15:57

morethan those boys sound as if there was a serious jealousy issue! fighting til they put each other in hospital isn't normally how play fighting goes. yes bumps on the head from falling too hard but not a&e. I would say their need to fight had something to do with how they were being raised, probably feeling they were in constant competition with each other.

the benefits to the children of not play fighting is that because play fighting is banned, not engaging in it results in not getting shouted at or incurring a punishment/consequence. inside your head is quite miserable if you are always being punished. rewarding the behaviours you want has a natural consequence of getting more of those behaviours. children seek out the praise and will try and get more of it. it's a good feeling so that is their benefit.

farewellfigure · 18/09/2014 16:45

In our house when I was a child (my brother and sister are 8 and 10 years older than me and used to fight like cat and dog) the person who punched (or kicked or scratched or whatever) last was the one who got punished. So if my sister punched my brother and he didn't retaliate, she got punished. If someone retaliates and then the person who started it doesn't carry it on, the one who retaliates gets punished. It meant that no-one ever started anything for fear of being 'the last one to punch'. It really worked for my parents. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 18/09/2014 17:15

Thanks so much. I already do the "This is going to end in tears so I don't wanna know about it!". Doesn't work, it ends in so many tears I have to know about it. Glad there have been no visits to A and E though!

I think there's a few here.

  1. Good chat about it all. How it makes me and them feel. What the benefits are of not fighting - verbally or physically. How to use kind language etc. How to sort it out without my involvement (benefit: there won't be punishments if I am not involved!!!).

BUT on the very rare occasion it does get out of hand, or I am around - this can be with 'annoying' each other deliberately or physical fighting.

  1. Halt word. We'll have fun deciding that one!
  1. Isolation/ space from each other for both involved ie. in separate rooms
  1. The last 'hit/ scratch/ kick' gets an extra punishment such as no wii or computer time
OP posts:
farewellfigure · 18/09/2014 17:22

Good luck Merry. I hope it works!

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 18/09/2014 17:37

Thanks. We can but try. Their Dad is onboard too, which always helps.

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DiaDuit · 18/09/2014 17:50

Good luck merry- the change will be worth it.

Bulbasaur · 18/09/2014 19:09

My parents had a rule that if we were fighting we both got punished. It takes two to fight after all. They were never particularly interested in who did what or who started it.

However, this just lead us to fight behind their backs, while they were out and then deny it. They are still finding nick-knacks that have cracks and chips from being broken and glued back together. My parents made their own bed with that one.

It sounds like they have way too much energy. Can you take them out to the park or playground to get it out of their system? Also, try team tasks where they all have equal roles and have to cooperate. Like baking cookies, building shelves in the garage, etc...

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 18/09/2014 21:49

Yeah small boys, WAAY too much energy, but there's a limit to what you can do at 8am whilst getting ready for school! That's one of the hotspots. Today we had no wii, no computer and they went to play football and it was a lot better.

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryMarigold · 18/09/2014 21:50

(that was after school not before!)

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