to be really mad with my 8year lying

[Kaza1]

Hi
Just need some advice....feeling a bit shit as don't think l handled the situation very well. My 8 & 9 year old were in bedroom painting nails & the bottle got spilled on the bedding. Obviously l was angry especially since l had been in 10mins previously & told them to put it away. Anyways they had tried to clean it up with juice & soaked the bedding making in 100 times worse. When asked why they had used the juice ny 8 year old said she had't & it was her sister (she has a history of lying) my 9year old swore blind it wasn't her & after about 15mins my 8 year old owned up & confessed that it was her. I'm really more mad at the lying & have told them no matter what to always tell the truth even if they know they'll get in trouble cause it's made worse by the lies. This is the 3rd incident of bare face lying to me & l just want to nip it in the bud.....help. not helping that l did lose my temper & did shout at them but just need to know if ibu to expect her not to lie to me. Thanks

I think if you shout at them for stuff like that, which is an accident and not done in malice. Then you are asking for them to lie to you.

If you let them know that if they make a mistake, they can come to you and you will help them put it right, then they are more likely to tell you the truth.

They didn't put something away straight away, that was their only 'offence' and that doesn't really warrant shouting.

The rest was an accident that they tried to fix because they were frightened of the fact that you'd shout.

To be honest though. The only time I've ever shouted at my 8 year old is when he was putting himself in danger and I was scared for him.

I'm not saying you're a bad mum so please don't take it that way.

But maybe with a full scale overhaul of the discipline side of things and a calmer way of dealing with things, you'd all be happier and there would be less lying,

You could write down the rules and one rule could be that if you do something by accident and tell mum straight away, mum won't shout, she will just help you fix it, but if you lie, x will happen.

Well that's made me feel a whole lot better! The other incidents of lying l didn't shout obviously stern words were had after. l should point out they came & told me after they had tried to clean the spillage

I do generally try to deal with them calmly on the whole but it can be hard sometimes. Tomorrow think l'll talk to them again about lying which we have done before. The last lie was she wrote her sisters name on my oak dinning table & denied it was her even though l knew it was her writing! She obviously knew she'd be in trouble!

Ah... am sure she was just scared.

Surely you lie op? I do. Who doesn't?

The only thing that would get me mad is if they lie to deliberately her another child into trouble or to take the blame. That's different to it wasn't me

Hope you get the covers clean.

Just a hint. Wait until they get to the fake tan years!

I don't think there is anything wrong with shouting, I don't see why you should need to be calm if you're really cross.

I am really strict about lying and always have been. I will absolutely not tolerate it and will punish more severely for lying.

When my DC lie I will usually come down really hard on them (harder than I would for the original crime), I remove something important for a week and send them straight to bed. By bed I mean bed, no tv/ipad/reading, it's light out and straight to bed. if it's very early in the day I would get them to do chores instead then early to bed, they also get their tea in the room. If it is a significant lie or happens very late in the day I may say that when they come home from school the next day they are going straight to bed.

From my perspective I can't parent them properly day to day or have a good relationship with them if I can't trust what they're saying. Obviously with kids you might leave room for a little exaggeration or white lies but intentional blatant lies are serious incidents in my house. As a result my children rarely lie, and they get so little practice at it that they aren't even good enough not to get caught when they do.

I think there's a difference between lying to relieve the anxiety of getting in trouble, and lying to hurt someone (spreading rumors, etc..).

Do you give them a chance to own up to what they did with lesser consequences? Like for instance if the DD8 admitted to the nail polish, could she have a lighter consequence of cleaning up the bedding and throwing it in the wash? Then alternatively make a separate punishment for lying, so that it's not mixed with the punishment for the actual offense. That way, they understand it's a punishment in and of itself to lie, not just a harsher punishment to what they did (which might make her want to lie more).

If you spilled polish on the bed, you'd have to clean it up or buy a new one. Why not allow the same choice if they tell the truth? If they come to you right away, you'll help them fix it without getting upset.

When I think my DC might be lying, I ask them to think about what happened.

Say we're driving in the car, I'll say to them when we get home, I'll ask you what happened and I want to know the truth. If you tell me the truth now, X will happen. But, if after we get out of the car, I find out you've lied to me (and I will ask) then you will be in serious trouble and Y will happen (grounded for a week etc).

Then I give them time to think about their answer, and more often than not they come up with the truth.

Don't sweat it about shouting - we've all been there. But I find time to think ( for both them and you) gives everyone time to calm down and head space to work out what needs to be done next.

My DC are 10 and 7.

Ah she was just scared. It does sound like a horrible mess! Kids that age lie all the time, it's part of their way of navigating a world full of authority - especially in situations like that, where they've made a mistake and know their comeuppance is coming.

Don't turn it into some huge indictment of her character, just maintain boundaries and reinforce with lots of positive messages about being open. Talk to her when things are good, and about good things, as well as when times are trying. Build your bond, rather than tackling the lying head on every time.

Yeah, people like to lie to get out of trouble.

I wasn't there and didn't see how you treated the situation, OP, but I have seen in the past that children tend more to lie when their parents are very strict.

I used to lie to get out of trouble as a child because my mum used to flip and I was scared.

I can't abide lying now. I never lie. DS doesn't lie although he can't, it requires imagination of which unfortunately he has none

I reckon there are 3 parts to this

1. the disobedience when they were told to put the stuff away
2. not coming to tell you immediately upon the spill, but trying to clean it up, ie hide the fact they' disobeyed you. that's a kind of lie too.
3. lying repeatedly when asked directly by you.

Yes, most kids will do this, but boy it is frustrating!

Is the bedding salvageable? Presumably the cover can be washed and then used again, even if it is stained. I'd just wash and then put back on the bed and not bother if it looks terrible. If the duvet is ruined, then a serious discussion is warranted. At the very least, have a serious conversation about the whole event and what it means- extra work for you, cost of items, the fact that you now know you cannot trust them. Work out between the three of you what both DD can do to "win back" your trust.

Accidents happen, but this one could easily have been avoided. Stress that if you hadn't told them to put the polish away and it was spilled then you would not have been angry. it is the whole chain of events and the cumulative effect that is annoying.

I shout. When my dc were small I used to book myself on every course going to get out of the house. One of those was called less shouting more communication, not no shouting as the lovely vicars wife running it said "kids push your buttons"

I think all dc go through a stage of lying, all mine did anyway, dd is 9 and is coming through it now. Both ds have stopped.

I dont lie, I want them to trust me. I would sit down with her when we are calm and talk about it. All mine know Peter and the wolf.

I also keep my nailvarnish in the bathroom.
Dont feel bad, I think hope its normal. It is in my house.

You didn't do anything wrong. You had told them to put the nail varnish away, because you could see what would happen; they disobeyed you and created a mess, then compounded it by lying. You were justified in being cross; your daughter did own up; she has learned (possibly) the consequences of disobedience and lying, and may even remember this in future situations.
For heaven's sake, don't feel guilty; you are bringing up your daughters well.

Thanks for all your replies. My DDs are NOT scared of me just like most kids don't like getting in bother. I'm going to talk to them about lying again dont want to overkill it but they need to know l won't tolerate lying. Thanks again

If they had done as they were told in the first place it would all have been avoided!

So I'd also be pointing out that you aren't deliberately trying to spoil fun, just prevent stuff like this that they perhaps don't foresee.

(Or do foresee but don't care!)

Couldn't agree more diddl & that was the point l was making. I've taken the nail varnish away & they can have it under supervision since they didn't act responsibly.

Lots of these posts have made me feel so much better.....l dont like shouting at my DDs but l do & thank goodness lm not the only one. However l am going to make a conscious effort to stop shouting. I've spoken with them this morning & made the consequences of lying very clear. Thanks again x

The other thing, OP, is don't ever let them play with acetone. My dd had to be rushed to hospital because she spilt acetone and was sitting there breathing in the vapors, unaware of how harmful it was.

Have a really good chat with her in a calm and quiet moment and tell her that it is much more important to you that she is truthful with you than anything else. Say you're not telling her there's no consequences but that if she lies and you then find out there will be worse consequences. This is because if you can't trust each other it will be really difficult for you to let her do all the nice things she wants to do as she gets older.

Then, the next time she does something wrong but admits to it tell her you appreciate her honesty and praise her for owning up. I had to have a similar discussion with my Dd a few years ago. She actually only did this very occasionally (yes, I know we all do to an extent!) and I was concerned about her lying as she approached her teens. We haven't had a problem with it for ages now so hopefully it got through!

Agree Kaza, I made the point that she would need to earn our trust so that we felt able to let her do grown up things. Don't stress too much about losing it very occasionally, it's not the end of the world x