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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really annoyed that ex is acting this way?

23 replies

extremepie · 17/09/2014 21:51

Ex bf and I just happen to be doing the same course at college and have decided to stay friends since I ended things about a month ago.

Everything was fine, not too awkward, we had arranged for him to come over to my place a few weeks ago, partly so we could hang out a bit and watch a movie and partly so he could pick up some stuff he'd left at mine.

On the day in question I wasn't feeling very well, so I told him we should leave it till the following week and I got a really ranty message back saying 'I knew this would happen, you just dont want to see me etc...'. Followed by a grovelling apology the following day saying sorry, that he was still upset over the break up and he over reacted.

Saw him at college yesterday, all fine again, very friendly and chatting away. He brought up that he might have met someone and I said to go for it, no reason why not and he said 'I guess you've done the same then', which I haven't.

This morning I got another huge long ranty message saying that he was leaving college to get a job so this was 'goodbye'. He also said that 'the penny had dropped' about me and that he was disgusted that someone he had trusted so much had lied to him so badly (meaning me) and that every word I'd said to him was a lie etc etc. He then started going on about all my lies had just been to cover myself and it was all just to soothe my conscience, I've left a trail of destruction and and that I shouldn't bother messaging him back. He told me to keep all the stuff he's left here - basically he never wants to see or speak to me again!

AIBU to think WTF? Am I missing something? What the hell have I done wrong to warrant that tirade! Have I behaved appallingly and just don't realise or is he being hugely dramatic and weird?

OP posts:

dalekanium · 17/09/2014 21:52

You dodged a bullet. Well done.

He is an utter loon.

Scoopmuckdizzy · 17/09/2014 21:53

Seems like he still has feelings for you. Perhaps staying friends wasn't such a good idea (for him) and he's struggling to get over your relationship. How long since you broke up?

Original poster

extremepie · 17/09/2014 21:58

It's been just over a month scoop, we were only together about 6 weeks and in that time he got quite full on very quickly, which is one of the reasons we ended up splitting..I do think part of it might have been because he has not been in a relationship for 2 years and he's a bit out of practise?

I just don't understand why we would be so friendly and normal one day then ranting and angry at me the next :(

I hate to think that he might be thinking of me as 'that bitch who broke his heart' when the whole time I've tried to be as nice as possible even when I wanted to end things!

OP posts:

SquirrelWearingATrilby · 17/09/2014 21:59

It's too soon. For him. Exes don't usually make good friends. Some might, most won't.

If I see my ex, I think "oh FFS what NOW"

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 17/09/2014 22:00

You aren't upset enough about the breakup, so he's going out of his way to make you upset. How dare you just get on with your life and not be apoplectic with grief over your wonderful EX?

gentlehoney · 17/09/2014 22:00

Sometimes people will behave like arses and there is nothing you can do to stop it.
Get rid of his stuff quickly in case he changes his mind and then give three cheers that you wont have to see him again!

Veritata · 17/09/2014 22:05

I think the clue is in that statement that he guessed you too might have met someone else. I suspect that he's now got it into his head that you have, even though (I assume) you denied it. Because you were encouraging him about seeing someone else, he's twisted that round into you trying to push him away because of the other man, or something.

Original poster

extremepie · 17/09/2014 22:05

Ha that made me laugh Gilbert, actually in the previous ranty message he did mention that he had thrown up from the 'grief' hitting him all over again - we were only together 6 weeks! I mean I liked the guy but we weren't madly in love

OP posts:

Original poster

extremepie · 17/09/2014 22:06

Yes I think that probably has something to do with it veritata :/

OP posts:

lettertoherms · 17/09/2014 22:13

You are well rid of this guy. Good job seeing the red flags before you got any deeper.

I would go no contact now. Forget remaining friends. I expect the next to come after the ranting is the grand gesture, apology, and plea for one more chance, as he just 'cares so much' for you and 'thinks you could have been great together'.

It's a common script. Maybe he's not this type, but it's not worth finding out for a relationship you weren't keen on.

dreamerdoer · 17/09/2014 22:18

Look, you broke up with him, and he obviously still has feelings for you. I know it seems like you're being 'nice' by keeping up the friendship, but actually its nice for you because you get to move on and keep him as a friend, but not nice for him because interacting with you is putting him through emotional turmoil. There is a part of him (that he is probably deeply in denial about), that's hoping that if you guys hang out as friends you'll end up together again. So he's swinging between feeling resentful and angry about the breakup and trying to be nice and friendly because at least that way he gets to see you. (Emotionally hurting people don't act rationally).

Do the actually nice thing, and give him some space to get over you properly. Don't be horrible to him, but don't expect you can jump to just hanging out as friends together without that causing emotional issues for him.

Your actions weren't exactly being unreasonable, but they probably were hurting him (not deliberately).

HootOnTheBeach · 17/09/2014 22:50

He sounds very insecure and I think it's a mistake to be friends especially right after ending a relationship.

Castlemilk · 17/09/2014 23:01

Space to get over you properly?

You were together SIX WEEKS. And he started acting just like the OTT loon his texts show him to be, so you dumped him, right?

I'm afraid that my only reply to the text rants would have been 'OHH SHUUUUT UPPPPPPP!'

Original poster

extremepie · 17/09/2014 23:21

Yeah pretty much castle, he brought a load of his stuff over and hinted about moving in, he was quite controlling in that we always had to watch movies/listen to music etc that he liked because mine wasn't good enough - I even started a thread about how we had an argument over music because apparently my taste was 'shit' and therefore I wasn't 'allowed' to listen to my music in my own flat. There was other stuff too....

I was thinking that response but I didn't want to be a bitch!

I am kind of expecting another 'I'm really sorry' message tomorrow but I'm not sure I will bother pursuing a friendship with him tbh, if he wants to have a go at me based on a random assumption of his then it's just too much effort. I can't be bothered to defend all my actions to him, especially when we aren't even together!

It's a shame because he did seem like a really nice guy and we had a lot in common but as time has gone on I'm not so sure, it's quite worrying to be just how much of a person gets hidden at first and slowly but surely the real 'them' gets revealed :(

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 17/09/2014 23:25

The world is full of nice guys to befriend.

Let this one go. He's too needy so a friendship is never going to work.

wheresthebeach · 17/09/2014 23:25

Yikes. Sounds a bit bonkers. Six weeks? Creating all this drama? Run for the hills.

dreamerdoer · 17/09/2014 23:51

Space to get over you properly? You were together SIX WEEKS.

Castlemilk - Don't see why you are arguing against giving him space. Surely him getting so quickly emotionally involved is all the more reason to keep him at a distance, not less?

Dumping him because he was controlling and wanted too much too fast, then inviting him round for cosy movie watching twosomes is just feeding the drama cycle.

coolaschmoola · 17/09/2014 23:59

You're not sure you'll bother pursuing a friendship with him?!?! Not sure?!

I can't believe that you dumped him a month ago from a six WEEK relationship, his behaviour during and since was a street full of red flag bunting and you aren't sure if you will pursue the friendship?

Dear god op! With all these red flags you RUN as far and as fast as you can. He is controlling and manipulative within weeks. This man does not want to be your friend - he wants to be your owner.

Random1999 · 18/09/2014 00:00

OMFG. what is he? a male bunnyboiler on speed? christ alive get out and stay out run run run ignore him and hope he drops out of college, then get a new phone(or new phone number)

ilovesooty · 18/09/2014 00:02

He's a needy manipulative tosser. Get him out of your life.

mimishimmi · 18/09/2014 00:16

He's upset. The whole 'let's be friends' thing only really works if both people have genuinely just drifted apart, not when one person breaks it off whilst the other is still interested. I think you need to give him space.

Original poster

extremepie · 18/09/2014 00:19

Well coola when I said I wasn't sure what I really meant was I'm really not fussed about pursuing a friendship, he did express an interest in maintaining a friendship (in hindsight probably to nurture the possibility of us getting back together even though I expressly told him I wanted to be single) and I was cool with that but given the bizarre 'you're a bitch, no, wait I'm sorry' nature of this friendship so far it's not something I am interested in continuing! Too much energy and effort, and you are right I don't think he wanted a partner I think he wanted someone to boss around and agree with him!

OP posts:

HairyWorm · 18/09/2014 23:12

Am I the only one who can see the screaming red flaming flags here?

You have dodged a massive bullet with this guy. You've had the sense to get out before his behaviour tips over to emotional abuse, because that's where it was heading. And yes I do know what I'm talking about.

He's playing on your sympathies and when it's not working he trying to get your attention by ranting at you to make you feel shite. He's trying to punish you for not being with him. You have done nothing wrong. You do not owe him your attention and he it not entitled to it.

I know I sound harsh but take your opportunity and run!

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