I’m sorry about the length of this.
I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for just over 4 months – she’s 41, I’m 44. Both of us have had abusive former relationships, and we’ve had other relationships since that didn’t work out, because we’d learned to not hang about when things are clearly going wrong. Abusive relationships teach you that you can’t fix people.
I fell properly, head-over-heels, utterly in love. That sort of thing you see in the movies, where you can't keep away from one another. Everything was great – she’s clever, pretty, amazing in bed, funny, exciting and sensitive. She said she felt the same way, that this was so different and she didn’t know she could feel like this. When we first met, she said she didn’t get jealous, then admitted she felt jealousy with me, and said she “didn’t like feelings”.
We’ve spent loads of time together. She has a pretty high-powered job and a daughter who’s nearly 16, so practicalities meant I spent more time at her house than she has at mine. We worked out a routine of taking turns buying the shopping, and I did all the cooking (because she doesn’t like doing it, and is often working in the evening, and I enjoy cooking). I get on well with her daughter and she’s introduced me to the rest of her family too. She doesn’t get on with most of her family, who are quite cold and distant.
About a month ago, while I was away, we had a sequence of misunderstandings that led to me thinking I was being dumped and while it was pretty serious, we both came back together and agreed some bad things had been said and how much we loved each other. And we were close again.
For the last couple of weeks, she’s been really over-worked and very unwell. She will never go easy on herself. I’ve been worried, as you would when you love someone. She’s had health scares before, and she also gets chest pains when she smokes an occasional cigarette. She'd also got light-headed recently and fallen over, so I was worried.
I made sure she was comfortable all weekend. I cooked food, did washing up, helped her with some work and gave her a lift to the health centre. I was feeling a little down, but was careful not to show it as she was clearly much worse. At one point I saw her crying in the sitting room. I came in and gave her a cuddle and asked what was wrong. She said “I don’t want to talk about it”. She had a bath on the Sunday evening, then we went to bed. During the day she seemed a little distant with me, but I put it down to her being ill – as she puts it, she gets a bit “pissy” when she’s unwell and wants to be alone. She apologised for it on the Saturday night, unnecessarily.
I woke up at about 3am on Monday morning because she was coughing hard. I asked her if she was OK and she clearly wasn’t, but she had a drink and settled down (I thought). I then woke about 15 minutes later as she got out of bed. She didn’t come back for about 10 minutes so I was concerned.
I went out into the living room and it was all dark. I hesitated, wondering if she had fallen or was asleep in there for some reason, then she shouted, “FOR GOD’S SAKE, I MIGHT AS WELL COME BACK TO BED. I WAS TRYING NOT TO WAKE YOU UP”. She’d been masturbating(!) on the couch. She came back to bed and continued. I asked if I could touch her (I was feeling pretty horny too) and she said yes. She came quickly then rolled over. Given that I was still, you know, getting on with it, I said jokingly, “Have you gone off me a bit”. To which she replied, “Yes, you’ve just smothered me this weekend. If you leave me alone I MIGHT like you again”.
I lay for a few minutes, shocked and upset, then got up and packed my things and sat for a second in the sitting room, trying to pull myself together. She came in and said, “Go if you’re going. Don’t just sit there”. So I left, as she’d asked. If she’d asked me for space before, I would have given it to her. I’m aware this can make me sound like some sort of awful stalker, but it really wasn’t like that. It was a normal situation, with one person who’s ill and the partner trying to make them comfy.
Since then – nothing. I’ve sent a few messages, letting her know how shocked I was and how I’m insecure – asking her to explain, saying I’ll give her space if that’s what she needs – but all I’ve had is a message yesterday saying I was hassling her and she’d speak to me properly soon, then one today saying “Leave me alone. Now you are harassing me”.
I’m broken-hearted. All sorts of things are going through my head – has she been diagnosed with cancer (she had a scare before)? Is she having an affair? Does she think I am? I understand people don’t want to talk, but to leave it like this doesn’t seem right to me. The least she could do is say “I need some space right now” or “I still love you but I need time” or even “I’m sorry, but it’s over”. But nothing. AIBU to say that I should at least get something, and that the silent treatment is horrible. I have honestly never felt worse. I can’t eat or sleep. Why would she suddenly change like that?
Please help. I adore her but I can’t for the life of me think of a reason to do the silent treatment. I thought she cared for me. I've not been able to eat or sleep properly since Sunday night and I'm going into a whirlpool of misery.