To be wary of and generally mistrust this person?

[Amibeingreallystupid]

I've changed my name for this because I think it might sound a bit stupid and more like something that belongs in the playground than adult life but here goes..

Late last year I took up a sport get fit and meet people, I don't want to say what it is in case it outs me but we have both men and women on the team and I love it and everything about it, the people are in the main lovely and friendly.

At the same time as me a woman also joined, and despite having no previous experience became very, very popular with everyone and seemed to plant herself at the centre of everything. Everyone seems to hang on her word, and I can see why as she is charismatic, witty and presents a warm and friendly exterior, she's like a mother hen to the younger team members as well.

Anyway to get to the point, I also liked her a lot until one day when training with her, completely out of the blue she referred to herself as a "retard" because she couldn't get the hang of something. I'm not easily offended but I was taken a back and looked around to see if anyone else had picked up on it but they were all too busy laughing at her. I thought maybe it was a one off but ever since it kept on coming, "spaz" " mong" and then there's the crude sexual language and constant F bombs that spill from her mouth with ease, everyone else seems to think she's hilarious but I don't. She's disabalist and talks like a fishwife. Another time I heard her bitching about another team member, but when said team member turned up she was all Nicey nice with her...

I don't dislike her as such because she hasn't actually done anything to me, but I don't like the way she talks and behaves either and I'm wary of her because I think she could potentially be very nasty if crossed. I'm now questioning my sanity because she's so adored by everyone else, people who I never in a million years thought would tolerate disabalist comments like that but that's exactly what they are doing... I'm wondering it's just me being oversensitive and prudish?

(Sorry I know this all sounds horribly childish).

I pulled my mum up on using the word 'spaz' recently. She is one of the loveliest most caring women you will ever meet, but the effects of casually using words like that just wasn't at the forefront of her mind. She felt awful afterwards and sent an appology to everyone who was there. It simply slipped out.

Also like Boysclothes said I've heard many lovely people who aren't disabilist in the slightest use these words - I don't think they're trying to be horrible, they just don't think IMO

Err....they ARE being disabalist. Try saying ooh I don't know,.".you're working like a n**r"........ oh no I'm not racist not me.

The act of saying the words is disabalist in itself. What don't people get?!

These words used to be widely used though. That's changing but lots of people haven't made the link between using the words and being offensive. You can't expect wholesale social change overnight.

I mean it's not like a letter was sent out to everyone saying please don't use the words spaz and mong anymore as they are now offensive. Change filters through and older people are always going to be the last to change, if they ever do.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually well if that person doesn't know that the N word is an offensive term then I wouldn't think they were being racist, no.

I know some older people who have said some un-PC things before but they weren't trying to be horrible - they just genuinely didn't know what they were saying was unacceptable as it was acceptable when they were younger.

I do think that saying something when you don't know it could be offensive is different to saying it when you do know it can be considered offensive.

^At least not deliberately racist, I mean.

That's why I think the OP should talk to her about it.

The OP is quite clear on it as she says, "She's disabalist and talks like a fishwife"

This is why she should have either pulled her up, or at least understood why other people weren't willing to do something she didn't feel she could do either.

Actually thinking about it, she doesn't seem that nice anyway. I missed the bitching about someone else behind their back but being nice to their face.

You probably wouldn't be able to educate someone like that anyway .

I missed the bitching about someone else behind their back but being nice to their face.

That's kind of similar to what the OP is doing here though, to be fair.

Maybe you ARE being oversensitive, but having suffered from social anxiety myself, I think you should keep a healthy distance from this woman. It does not speak well of her that she is two-faced.

I was able to get over the worst of my social anxiety thanks to making friends with people who would never dream of criticising other people behind their backs.

Join in the banter, but don't take her too seriously.

I agree with Hamsters. As children, my peergroup used all the words you've mentioned and others besides - "bif" for example, for stupid/uncoordinated, without having any idea of their origins. I only really thought about "mong" when there was that hoo-hah in the press a few years ago when someone used it - because the term "mongol" had fallen out of use for people with Down's Syndrome and I just didn't connect the two. Similarly "Bint". Naive perhaps, but I'd only ever heard the terms as playground insults, and just carried on using them. When I found out their derivations, I was horrified, and stopped using the words.

I don't think you can assume that someone is disablist or racist because of a word that they use, unless you tell them that it offends you/others and they continue to use it. They may not know what it means or where it comes from.

Come to think of it, there's a bit of a lack of "harmless" insults...bring back wally, I say.

You should pull her up on the disablist language.

The bitching - loads of people do it, just don't engage.

The swearing - coming from someone who is a lady with the mouth of a well educated sailor, I think you have to let that one go.

My mum had a very mild birth injury. Until very recently (when I told her that the word wasn't really acceptable any more) she would describe herself as "born a bit spastic". Because that is how it was explained to her in the 50s and 60s by doctors.

This woman maybedisablist or she may just not have had anyone explain to her that some words that used to be mainstream are no longer acceptable.

Do you think she'd take it on board if OP did challenge her use of those words? I've pulled my gran up on 'Paki' which is also used by a couple of -generally awful members of my wider family, but she will not have it that it it's anything but an abbreviation. I would be keeping my distance from her personally.

You can challenge what she says without being nasty about it. Just jokingly say "Yikes! You can't call people that!" with mock shock and horror. It'll get the point across without getting awkward about it or making you look high strung.

It could be dependent on where she grew up. Spaz here in the US is not an offensive word, whereas UK it is. It has caused a bit of controversy when bringing some US products to UK because of it.

She might have been raised in an area that's a bit behind the times and not realize that it's as offensive as it is.

social anxiety is a bugger

try to spend your time noticing the things you like about you
how you are interacting in the team
who you enjoy
what went well
how great it is to be out
the brilliance of being able to do
how well you are doing

don't compare yourself to others
pondering why she is liked or the fairness of it will start and maintain a spiral of negative thinking that will be very unhelpful
judging, comparing and wrestling with thoughts like these are too much for you whilst you are making such big positive steps forward
stay with the positive and watch the negative float past..it doesn't need to touch you

Thanks Ronald McDonald. I probably do over analyse things like this, probably best to just be polite with her but maintain a distance.