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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop EX seeing DS?

25 replies

ziggy13 · 17/09/2014 14:25

Firstly, DS1 is 15 and doesn't want to see his dad. They had an argument after EX took DS out for the day and his since said he wants nothing to do with his dad.

It's a long story and it has been tense for a while. EX has always been quite bad at putting DS first and spending time with him - always lets him down last minuet ect. Furthermore, he doesn't pay for him at all (long story) and refuses to take him on days out ect unless i pay. Also, DS and EX's wife do not get on at all. EX's wife is really funny about DS doing things with EX, doesn't like him staying at the house, doesn't like EX spending one on one time with him or them spending family time together.

Anyway, DS has been desperate to spend time with his dad for a while. A few weeks ago they agreed to meet on the Saturday just gone, just the two of them, for a day out with lunch ect. Anyway on Saturday the whole family turned up (EX, his wife and their two children) saying they were all going to go out for the day. I think DS was a bit upset but wanted to see his dad so agreed to go.

The day was a disaster, apparently EX's wife spent the whole time saying it would be better is DS wasn't there and such things. Furthermore, the money i gave DS (for lunch) all went on an entrance fee and he had no food for the entire day because EX refused to buy any (I was livid about this!). DS came home really upset and EX is fuming. EX's wife and DS had an argument on the way home and tbd DS said some nasty things (which i did tell him off about). They then had a massive argument in my house and my DH had to basically throw my EX out.

Since then DS has been adamant he is not going to speak to his dad again. However, i have had 3 really abusive phone call from EX since saying that i can't keep his son from him, he will go for custody ect. I originally planned on giving DS a few days then i was going to try and gently encourage him to tok to his dad again. However since that phone calls i'm starting to think stick ex and leave DS to make the choice.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
Username12345 · 17/09/2014 14:29

Your son is 15 I think he's old enough to make the decision for himself.

basgetti · 17/09/2014 14:30

YANBU. You need to support your DS and respect his wishes and your Ex needs to understand that the consequences of being such a shit excuse for a father are that when a child gets to a certain age they may not want to bother with you anymore. And if he tries to get 'custody' of an unwilling 15 year old he will be laughed out of court.

Lonecatwithkitten · 17/09/2014 14:30

He is 15 years old, you make him available for contact, but at that age you can't physically make them go.

Original poster
ziggy13 · 17/09/2014 14:30

Thats what i thought and i know thats what the court will think (if it ever gets that far). Similar has happened before and i tend to try and convince DS to talk to his dad again but i don't think i will bother this time tbh.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2014 14:32

Yes your ds is 15 and is more than capable of making up his mind, courts would listen to him and take his wishes seriously. Your ex and his wife sound bloody awful, poor boy. No you respect your ds wishes not to see his father, he is a poor excuse tbh.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2014 14:34

He is 15 if he does not want to go for contact you cant make him! Dont, ex has to realise as a result of being a shit father, his ds no longer wants to be in contact with him. Really, I dont know why he bothers, if that's how he treats his ds.

seasavage · 17/09/2014 14:35

YANBU it sounds a pretty horrid situation for your DS

Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2014 14:35

No dont bother, ds has now got a good measure of his sorry excuse of a father and is finding out how he really is like.

nomdemere · 17/09/2014 14:39

A parent who refuses to buy food for their child doesn't deserve to see them.

lauren222 · 17/09/2014 14:40

At 15 years old your son has the capacity to make the decision for himself. It sounds like his dad is unwilling to dedicate time to spend with his son alone. When the whole family turns up he is willing to accept his son being treated as a burden and has been neglectful.

PiperIsOrange · 17/09/2014 14:43

He is 15 so to me he is old enough to make up his own mind.

I also think if a NRP do to pay child maintenance then they shouldn't have contact either. You can cherry pick in what you would do for a child.

MrsRaegan · 17/09/2014 14:47

I think your XH is trying to salve his own conscious by convincing himself that it's you that's stopping contact and not your DS.

It must be obvious after a day like that, at 15 years old that DS would at least step back from contact. He's deliberately missing the point.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2014 14:48

Exactly nom, and not only did he not provide food for him that day, but he allowed his wife to treat ds like rubbish and a burden, good on him for letting rip at her, she deserved it! Why should children put up with rubbish, if she did that to an adult, she would get as good as she deserved. He was entirely justified.

jay55 · 17/09/2014 15:03

Not feeding a 15 year old boy all day is awful. Imagine he'd have been more than grumpy by the time they were coming home and so the arguments were unavoidable.

Can't see anyone making him go at his age, especially to someone who refuses to feed him.

BarbarianMum · 17/09/2014 15:37

YABtotallyU to prevent your ex seeing your ds. YANBU to respect your ds' wishes not to see his father at the moment. They are totally different things. In one scenario you decide (unreasonable), in the other your ds decides (reasonable). Your ds also gets to change his mind at a later date (possibly several times).

DoJo · 17/09/2014 15:40

I would let your son call the shots - he is being treated appallingly and he shouldn't have to put up with it just because it's his dad. These visits must chip away at his self esteem, even if he knows his dad's being a twat, so he's right to put a stop to them.
My own mother never said a bad word about my dad and was always very even-handed when dealing with bust ups between us, but I was really relieved when she finally deemed me old enough to agree with me that he is a twat. She still never actually bad-mouthed him, but she would say things like 'He's very different from the man I married' etc which let me know that she understood and supported me. It sounds like your son is ready for you to acknowledge that he has every reason not to want to spend time with his dad and that you trust him to make his own decisions on that.

Yambabe · 17/09/2014 15:40

Your son sounds like he is totally switched on and has the measure of your ex.

If he rings you again tell him his son is old enough now to deal with his own wishes, his relationship with his son is between the two of them and you refuse to get involved. If he keeps ringing and/or being abusive, call 101 and report him for harassment.

Thumbwitch · 17/09/2014 15:42

The jibe about custody is clearly just bullying behaviour, as your Ex's wife obviously wouldn't agree to having your DS live with them!

YANBU to want to stop your Ex from contacting your DS, because he's obviously quite uncaring about his wellbeing and happiness; but you know you can't do that. However, your DS is well within his rights to say he doesn't want to see his dad and I don't think, even if your ex did try for custody, that it would go anywhere at all because your DS is allowed to state his preference.

But your ex isn't going to go for custody really, is he. As I said at the beginning, his wife is going to have something to say about that!

Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2014 15:44

This you paying for ds when he's on contact has got to stop, it's his fathers responsibility and I would tell him that if he does decide to see his father again. Let your ds decide, he's old enough, it's cruel to force him against his wishes.

deakymom · 17/09/2014 16:22

i would piss myself laughing over a custody battle tell him to waste his money

support your child tell him he doesn't have to see him again

if he does try for custody the face he wont pay/feed his child will not go down well

Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2014 17:14

I would. Tell ex to go right ahead. There is no legal aid for that, if he cannot pay for his child to eat, or for days out, he will not I am sure pay for the costly court and legal process.

HowardTJMoon · 18/09/2014 10:08

I think your DS is entirely within his rights to decide not to see his father after such behaviour. Tell your DS that he is mature enough to choose whether or not he wants to see his father and under what circumstances.

But remind him that he can also change his mind at a later date if he wants; if he thinks he has to make an irrevocable decision now it will be harder for him to work out what he really wants.

Don't make excuses for his father's behaviour but at the same time don't slag him off. Just support your DS and remind him that whatever his dad's problem is, it's not DS's fault.

The custody thing is, of course, just a baseless threat. I'd tell your ex that it is, of course, his right to start such an action if he wants and that you'll wait for the paperwork. Then wait for the deafening silence. Also remember that you are under no obligation to listen to your ex's rants. If he can't be civil in person or on the phone then you can refuse to engage - close the door, put the phone down - and insist on written communication.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2014 10:16

I agree Howard, leave it up to your ds, that he can change his mind if he wants its not set in stone. If ex carries on treating him the way he is, I am afraid that his ds will not want a relationship with him at all. No don't engage with him if he cannot be civil on the phone, communicate via e mail or text. Or leave it up to ds to make that decision.

andsmile · 18/09/2014 10:29

I think empowering your DS by letting him make his own decision about his own boundaries will be a really good thing:

  1. He wont have to spend time with another person who treats him badly - his father and his wife.

  2. It will teach him where to set his own boundaries reguarding relationships with other people which will serve him well in his future relationships.

  3. Showing your son you respect his decision will be good for his self esteem and deeping trust and respect between you two.

Good luck with your ex he sounds horrid to deal with. I read recently many people get legally divirced but some never emtionally divorce - this includes anger sounds like your ex.

HavanaSlife · 18/09/2014 10:44

What an utter bastard, tell him that you are not going to force a 15 yo to see him especially when he treats him so appallingly

Tell your ds that you will support him to do whatever he wants regarding contact with his dad

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