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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why people think it's okay to pass comment about this?

31 replies

HamstersAndHockeySticks · 17/09/2014 10:50

This actually happened last week but I've been thinking about it and I really do think it is odd and frankly, very rude.

I was in a queue in a cafe waiting to be served. It wasn't very busy, there was only me, a young lad of about 18 or 19 and a middle aged woman waiting to be served. The young lad had some acne on his cheeks and forehead (this is relevant) and as someone who suffered acne all throughout my teenage years I am always very sympathetic about these things as I know how damaging it can be to someone's self esteem and overall confidence.

Anyway as the woman was chatting to the person at the till although I wasn't paying attention to what they were saying. After she had paid she suddenly turned to the young lad who was behind her and said to him "and as for you, I can give you some tips on how to get rid of those spots..." and then without waiting for an answer started giving some "advice" on how eating a bit more healthily will work wonders, as will drinking more water and using x face wash Shock.

I suppose she might only have been trying to be nice (in her own weird way) but the poor lad was cringing and looked like he didn't know what to say.

I guess it pissed me off because like I said I had acne all throughout my teenage years and people commenting on it (even people who were otherwise nice, people who hardly knew you and yes even strangers) wasn't uncommon Sad. I actually found it amazing (and still do) how many people felt they had the right to point out the fact I had spots (do they think I'd never noticed?) and then go on to give me "helpful advice" about how all I needed to do was try this or that, wash my face more, drink more water, etc. It upset me even more because they had no idea what I had tried to get rid of it and had no idea of what my hygiene habits were like or how healthy/unhealthy I ate - they just assumed. They had no idea I was under the care of a dermatologist and had tried numerous antibiotics yet they still felt the need to put their input in even when they had no idea of the situation.

What happened last week just reminded me of that...but IANBU to think that those types of comments are rude, right? It's just that given the number of people who think it is accetable then I maybe think it's me the one in the wrong Confused.

I also never said anything either to the poor lad or this woman but I wish I had now.

OP posts:
Parietal · 17/09/2014 10:53

agree, very rude to comment on acne. would someone give advice on how to lose weight or get out of a wheelchair in the same way?

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 17/09/2014 10:56

Oh, Poor Boy! He'll probably not want to leave his house now!
Unbelievably rude woman. I would have wanted to slap her. Angry and Sad

velveteenbunny · 17/09/2014 10:58

Extremely rude, YANBU.

I remember eating in a pizza hut when I was a student (relevant if you think how closely the tables are all squashed together in the those places) with my friend who had very bad excema on her arms.

The man at the table next to us leaned over and told her he was a Dr and she should try X, Y and Z.

She was mortified, so bloody rude.

LadyWithLapdog · 17/09/2014 10:58

What?! I thought things like these didn't happen nowadays, people being such busybodies and interfering. Poor guy.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 17/09/2014 10:58

Whst a horrid woman

I would have told her so as well, poor boy

catsofa · 17/09/2014 11:03

I'd like to think I might have waded in and rescued the poor lad, maybe by explaining to the woman what she could do to alleviate her terrible wrinkles. But it's always hard to butt in, isn't it? So un-British :(

LouiseBourgeois · 17/09/2014 11:05

YANBU, that's appallingly busybodyish. Surely the most unaware person on the planet would realise how humiliating this would be? It's not like the guy doesn't know he has acne, the poor kid.

5madthings · 17/09/2014 11:10

Yanbu horrible thing to do. I have eczema and often encounter people trying to give helpful advice. Ffs I am 35 I have had eczema all my life, see specialists etc do you not think I haven't tried everything already. Or else it's the 'poor you that looks sore' like I hadn't noticed but thanks for making me feel more self conscious!! Or those that won't shake hands or avoid touching something I have touched incase they might catch it...

Sadly some people are just rude/thoughtless.

Original poster
HamstersAndHockeySticks · 17/09/2014 11:17

LouiseBourgeois that's just it though, people do like to point out the fact that you're face is covered in spots and I just don't understand it. Do they not think the person in question hasn't noticed already?

Like I said even people who were otherwise pleasant people would do it, even when they wouldn't pass comment on other aspects of a persons appearance. It's odd.

OP posts:
yoshipoppet · 17/09/2014 14:03

I suffered terribly from acne. I remember a neighbour asking me what had happened to my face. I wish I'd had the nous to think of 'What has happened to your manners?' as a snappy response but instead I just crept away in shame.

KellyElly · 17/09/2014 14:14

You should have picked out a flaw on her and passed her the number for a good plastic surgeon ;)

KellyElly · 17/09/2014 14:14

Wink even

SASASI · 17/09/2014 14:21

I had bad acne as a teen & was on roacutane twice. Was horrendous. Random people used to ask me about 'my sore face'. I used to respond 'actually it's acne for which I am undergoing treatment for, not that it's any of your business'. I was always on guard about it & ready to give folk an answer.
Poor boys can't even wear make up to help them feel better. Poor fella, she was totally out of order.

shakemysilliesout · 17/09/2014 14:40

People used to comment on my skin too as a teenager- so thoughtless! I'm lucky thr I grew out of it (at about 25!!) - I have no idea why people comment on it.

Deathraystare · 17/09/2014 14:43

Poor boy. It wouldn't be so bad but for the fact she said "and as for you..." as if he was a menace or growing acne deliberatley????!!!!

WiseGuysHighRise · 17/09/2014 14:45

Something "medical" then yes, handled the right way I can see why someone would speak up - I remember seeing in the news that someone had been in a (supermarket?) queue and someone tapped her and said she was a nurse and she should go and get a mole checked out - turned out the nurse was right.

Something with no medical basis though? No. Keep it to yourself.

Not sure if acne treatment is the same now, by when I was a teenager my BF was prescribed some kind of medication (I want to say anti-biotics but I don't think that makes any sense) - apprently applying things to the skin doesn't treat the cause. This may be completely wrong these days but I hate the thought of anyone splashing out on miracle creams.

Mrsjayy · 17/09/2014 14:53

Oh the poor lad and she was a cheeky cow no excuse for embarrassing the boy like that. My 16yr old has acne if somebody said that to her she would be mortified

ErrolTheDragon · 17/09/2014 14:54

WiseGuys - topical ABs can alleviate the symptoms, so can various OTC treatments. (I've had enough of them over the years). But the absolutely the worst thing about acne is how it can dent your confidence and make you want to hide - even if this busybody gave correct advice, she's almost certainly done a great deal more harm than good. OP, another onlooker wading in probably would have just made the lad feel even worse TBH - I'm not sure there's anything you could have done.

Lj8893 · 17/09/2014 14:57

That's so rude!!!

i get people comment on my large boobs all the time!! I often say "you wouldn't feel it was ok to point out i had a large nose or large ass"

i seriously cannot believe some people!!

neiljames77 · 17/09/2014 15:04

Tbh, I think if you'd have spoken up for him, it might have made him feel worse, as if he's a topic of everyone's conversation. I think in your situation, I'd have just looked at him, rolled my eyes and shook my head to let him know I think she's rude and tactless.

Original poster
HamstersAndHockeySticks · 17/09/2014 15:16

I suppose saying something might have made things worse Sad

I am glad it's not just me though

OP posts:
lovetheautumn · 17/09/2014 15:18

Very rude, and just stupid and thoughtless because did she really think he wouldn't have tried these things already? It's not just horrible to have to live with the look of it, but it's painful and uncomfortable. I remember trying everything possible since I was 9 and hormones hit, trying to get rid of spots, and when you had people telling you to wash your face it was infuriating! Like oh of course how didn't I think of that?! In the end only a certain pill got rid of mine, so I guess they were hormonal, (which was one thing no one ever suggested!) but I still have very red skin on my face, so wear make up to cover it. However when I was younger I'd get constant comments about the make up, why would I wear it etc, but then if anyone ever sees me without make up there is always a shocked face and comment, like omg have you been sunburnt, or jeez how hot was that shower?! and I just have to say, sorry, that's just my face!

SallyMcgally · 17/09/2014 15:19

I used to get comments on my acne too. It's unbelievably rude, but people do seem to think they're being helpful. The advice was never delivered by people who were the sharpest knives in the drawer, it has to be said.

bebespain · 17/09/2014 16:37

Some people are so bloody inconsiderate...in what way they think they are being helpful is beyond me.

I remember being given some "advice" by a neighbour when was a teenager suffering from Acne. She advised my Mum to buy me a heat lamp Hmm We were travelling on the bus at the time and I remember wanting the ground to swallow me up.
I was absolutely heartbroken...as if I wasn´t self-conscious about it enough already.

I suffer with Rosacea now and I can´t tell you how many times I have had people ask me why my face is "so red" Angry

SallyMcgally · 17/09/2014 17:29

I suffer with Rosacea now and I can´t tell you how many times I have had people ask me why my face is "so red"

Me too, if it makes you feel any better. That tends to be 'well-meaning' little old ladies. Unbelievably crass.

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