To ask your best comeback?

[Sister77]

Today I used the "did you mean to be so rude?" Line on someone who is notoriously arsey and bitchy.
The result was you could have heard a pin drop and he turned red and scuttled of to his desk!
I felt so good! Empowered! (I know I'm sad!)
What's the best line you've used in a comeback and what was the result?
I am buzzing! This man has been so nasty and sexist and I normally go red and duck my head!

Piper and babs made me laugh so much!
Me and a friend similarly lacking on confidence have decided to not take any crap so reading with interest.

Babs - that is definitely one to remember. Brilliant.

Depends on the context. If its one of those random strangers offering you parenting advice situations I have in the past adopted a confused look and said "I'm so sorry, do I know you?" "No" "oh, I assumed we must know each other - can't imagine why a total stranger would be telling me how to sort out my child" (or words to that effect).

In more casual / adult situations with people I know well (more piss taking than actual rude) I do the fishing around in my pockets and coming up with a V sign (childish but funny)

Asking in a slow deep voice Why do you feel the need to xxx with head slightly cocked in faux concern.
Actually have not had to do that in years so it might not work anymore.

So feck off you fecking fecker might also work.

Context different but I love uber midwife Mary Cronk's list of retorts for getting respect in labour: best is "“Would you like to reconsider what you have just said!” Fierce glare. ”

www.homebirth.org.uk/marycronkphrases.htm

I usually just look them in the eye and say loudly "you are actually being quite rude now" (did this in a meeting the other day after a patronising old soak repeatedly asserted something wrongly that I knew to be right (don't ask)

Oh, Golly Gosh! Outing myself if anyone was there when I erupted like Krakatoa at some utter arse of a member of the House of Lords recently, but heard myself cutting him off in mid-misogynistic flow with.....

"Do you do crosswords? Quick quiz. Four letter word, starts with C, ends with T, something only I have but only you are"?

I truly didn't 'hear' myself saying this, had O idea what was going to come out of my mouth,but the sound of silence was deafening in that boardroom.

First time I've felt truly alive since the Old King died

My usual standby is....

I'd explain to you why you were being arrogant /rude/patronising, but anyone stupid enough to come out with that statement couldn't possibly mentally process an intelligent response - so I'll not waste my time.

Then walk away....

Are we allowed fictional ones? Because I can't get any better than this.

In an old episode of Lewis, Lewis and Hathaway (his DS) are getting a rollicking despite getting a result.

CSI Innocent - Hathaway!! stop smirking!!!
Hathaway - I'm not smirking ma'am, it's just the unfortunate shape of my face

This after Rebecca Front (Innocent) comes out with "oh my royal English Arse!!)

One day I will say this in rl

I was wondering how you were hoping I might feel after you had said that?

Stand eyebrow raised......

Tis terrifying

The worst one someone said to me was:

'If you're waiting for my comeback you'll have to ask your mum to spit it out'.

I was /

Said to the rather nasty medical student after bing on the receiving end of his barbs dressed up as 'wit'. I was 10 weeks pregnant and I'd just started bleeding.
Him, 'you look well have you been ill recently?' Followed by guffaws.
Me, run along now, you're needed by Mr so and so (surgeon). He's getting arsey, he needs his well used sigmoidoscope. I presume he meant you'
Him, 'splutter'

A colleague at work used to say something along the lines of "did you actually think about what you were going to say before you actually said it" followed by a stoney glare, raised eyebrows, a short pause and "I thought not".

My god she was terrifying

Being*

Silence - shocked by that one

Not my comeback but one I've heard used by my dad

"Are you always this much of an arse, or is today a special occasion?"

RonaldMcDonald, I shall store that away for future use ...

Respond with something like...'I really don't care/give a shit what you think..'

Then follow on with...

'By the way you have something on your chin' whilst pointing to your chin.
As they go to rub their own chin add...

'No not that chin, the other one'.

"Does being stupid/rude/sexist come naturally, or do you have to practise?"

A former colleague kept commenting on how much weight I had put on post DC. I snapped and said 'I'm trying to catch up with you'. She never commented on my weight ever again. (She was a very large lady herself so not sure why she felt the need to keep commenting about my pregnancy weight gain). I felt mean saying that to her bug I had had enough.

'But' not bug

I might be fat and ugly, but I can diet and have surgery, unfortunately for you there's no such thing as a pesonality transplant.