Can anyone offer insight or advice??

[KateJen1]

Bit of a shot-in-the-dark post maybe but i suppose you never know who might have advice. I am not a mother but really hope i will be one day.

I am 28 and have breast cancer which has recurred (grade 1 so not disastrous at this stage). I was first diagnosed at 24 with v agressive grade 3 cancer which called for suitably agressive treatment.

Part 1 of my problem..i saw a new specialist today and i asked what the chances of conceiving would be in the future (im getting married soon). He replied with: "are you mad? I really wouldnt be thinking about that in your position". I was totally deflated by this comment. Has anyone on here ever had a baby post chemo? (I had a mixture, but Taxotere was the killer in my experience)...

1. I am struggling to deal with comments at work from people. Maybe i am over sensitive but i had one person ask: "so are your boobs real?" (No) and "whats your prognosis?". Many say nothing and ask me stupid questions about whether i had a fun weekend? Did i go out drinking? I cant bear these comments.

Not really sure why im posting here and i appreciate its not appropriate but im really struggling to cope (othewise quite a level headed person) and would appreciate any advice.

I know i am being unreasonable for posting here!

Op YANBU!!! I'm absolutely shocked at how your doctor responded to you. I would think about making a complaint.
The people asking those questions are idiots, truly insensitive and none of their business! I'm so sorry you come across such stupid people op

Good grief, what the hell are these idiots thinking?

So sorry OP that you have had to deal with this. On top of all the other crap.

Before anyone else goes off on one at the specialist, could his reaction be because yours was an oestrogen fed cancer, Kate?

If it was he has a point, despite that it was badly put. Pregnancy increases the body's output of oestrogen. It can cause breast cancer to recur which is why, after having had lumpectomy or masectomy ,a lot of women with a hormone-feeding cancer are given monthly injections to reduce oestrogen production, or in other cases, are given oophorectomies.

• that should read "a lot of pre-menopausal women with a hormone feeding cancer" etc.

Bless you. I also had breast cancer young like you, I was 27 and had chemo. I'm pretty sure mine was non oestrogen and I've had 3 babies since. I am now 47 and very well.
My drs were great at asking my questions about my fertility as they should be, it's a huge thing.
Can you chat to your breast nurse or speak to breast cancer care? Yiu are right to ask questions and deserve a considered response.
Feel free to private message me if you want to ask me anything xx

Don't care whether the OP's cancer is oestrogen fed or not hooby the specialist's way of dealing with her question was cruel, completely inappropriate and clumsy to say the least.

You're not over sensitive OP. Can't believe the people at work can be so stupid.

Sorry you're having to deal with this and you're surrounded by such idiots.

Thanks for your replies. No hooby, i am triple negative so blockers like tamoxifen arent an option. My type doesnt feed off hormone. I know what you mean though. His point was that i shouldnt be thinking about a baby when i have had a cancer which has recurred, that i am young for this to have happened and ultimately that it could recur, fatally at some point and i thus wouldnt be around to raise a child. He stressed that it was his opinion but it has left me feeling frantic. I struggle with the worry of "what if?" And this hasnt helped.

Sorry to hear your news, I hope you have support from family and friends....is your DP supportive? If you are struggling to cope could you ask for support from a nursing service of some sort (most oncology centres have support nurses or access to counsellors etc, or there is Macmillan?)

To reply to your 2 parts...

1. Your Dr sounds like an arse for the way he responded! So unprofessional!!! But like hooby says maybe there is a medical reason for his point of view? Did he explain why he said that? Did you have a chance to ask all the Qs you wanted? Will you have another chance for more of a discussion of your options?

For example, are they suggesting treatment straight away? Do you have time to meet with a fertility Dr to discuss your options of preserving fertility? (This is common with oncology patients so you won't be the first to ask!). There are possible options of collecting and freezing your eggs or embryos (with your DP sperm)....

1. Your work colleagues sound like a bunch of wankers! I can't believe they have said those things to you!!! I know some people find 'real' things hard to deal with which cause them to blurt out tactless questions or whatever but asking you if your breasts are real?! Words fail me.

Remember you don't owe these people ANY explanations!! Just respond with "That's rather personal, I'd prefer not discuss it" Or perhaps change the subject with "I'd rather not talk about this at work, why don't we discuss the agenda for the meeting" Or if all else fails just stare at them in disbelieve, blink and say "did you mean to be so rude?" Why should you be polite back to people who are being so intrusive and thoughtless?! Make them feel uncomfortable! don't sit there and suffer in silence because you don't want to appear rude or whatever. And for the record, you are NOT being oversensitive!!!!

for what you are going through

Thanks pigs, its just infuriating and i can never think of how to respond to them. I dont want a fuss made but i dont like people to pretend its not happening. I know its easy for me to say though, nobody likes to be put in these awkward situations.

Ledkr - THANK YOU. I am so sorry to hear you had a similar exp. i am so pleased to hear you went on to have children. It sounds like you had a similar type as mine.

Sorry to hear how crass your doctor was. Definitely not the way to communicate with a patient in your position!
I had breast cancer aged 37 & had to give up my hopes of having any more children (I'd had one & lost one by then) but one of the many things I've learnt about breast cancer is that everyone's journey is different & only you (& your partner/ family) can decide what's best for you in your situation. I was careering towards my mid 40's by the time i emerged from the treatment/illness world but you have time on your side. I'm not sure what your local arrangements are re breast cancer care but I always found the nurses much more accessible & helpful than the doctors so it may be worth mulling it over with one of them. Also I found BACUP & the Lavender Trust & Cancer Kin helpful. It was good to know I wasn't alone as I often felt very alone & isolated.
With regards to work colleagues, that sounds tough. I still have work colleagues who stare at my somewhat wonky breasts. I try hard to tell myself these flawed breasts are my badges of survival, sometimes it works but other times it doesnt & I feel crap but it definitely gets easier with time. I'm 8 years post diagnosis now & in my experience life & living does get easier.

Cross post, just seen your latest....well in that case he is being completely and utterly unprofessional!!!!!! (I say that as a nurse)
It's not up to him to make judgements or decisions about what is the best way for you to live your life! Health professionals are there to give you the facts and help you make the right decision FOR YOU, for your life! And keep their personal opinions to themselves!!!!
Plus that is a stupid reason. None of us know what is round the corner. We could get diagnosed with something tomorrow out of the blue, or hit by a bus! Hypotheticals are no reason to not consider having a child

I agree, pigs, the specialist's style of reply was inappropriate. I'm not making allowances for it. I'm saying that there might be an explanation for his answer (rather than for the delivery of it).

Ledkr's right. I'd encourage you to bombard your BC nurses with enquiries too, Kate. If they're anything like those I've met I'm sure that they'll be more than willing and able to sensitively and considerately answer your questions.

YANBU.

But, I also don't know about how pregnancy and cancer treatments mix.

His point was that i shouldnt be thinking about a baby when i have had a cancer which has recurred, that i am young for this to have happened and ultimately that it could recur, fatally at some point and i thus wouldnt be around to raise a child.

That was way out of line. I'd file a complaint. There are plenty of people out there that have had breast cancer and have lived long lives. There are people that were given 1 month to live and they're still here 10 years later. I have family members that had cancer and they're doing just fine now.

The point is, you can't really determine future occurrences based on a current one. It might stay in remission. It might not. But his guess is about as good as rolling a dice.

Your coworkers? Tell them to fuck off. Asking about whether your boobs are real or not is just awful. File an HR report, it's inappropriate and depending on how they asked you, sexual harassment.

Thanks Abso. I need to be more assertive but its just a kick in the teeth everytime someone comes out with something odd.

My DP is unbelievably supportive, as are friends and family. They are, however, very affected by this so that in itself is something else to deal with. They would be very upset to know i feel like this but you cant help but protect the feelings of those you love. I could t ask for more from them though tbh.

op YANBU your doctor is unprofessional and you need to talk to another consultant about it or contact a cancer charity they should help too , the people at work that asked if your boobs are real sound like children do you work with really young people? asked if you had been out for the weekend is a normal thing to say in a normal situation so maybe the ones that say that are just making small talk and are ignorant but not nasty, i think you might benefit from speaking to macmillian or someone else they all have helplines x good luck

Sorry Kate, we cross posted. Having caught up I can now see that your specialist is an arse rather than bumbling.

I'm so sorry to have misunderstood you at first.

You have every reason to be angry. You're not alone in being plagued by doubts and "what ifs". Time helps, so does the support of those BC nurses. Lean on them, as heavily as you like. They'll be strong for you.

Roxon, thank you for your kind reply. I am sorry to hear that you too have been touched by this and i am pleased to hear you are doing well. I relate 100% with what you say about feeling isolated. It's been made worse by the recurrence but i just cant shake the feeling atm that i wish someone could just tell me when i will die so that i can find some peace and live with it, whatever the fate iyswim. Sounds so dramatic but its the only way i can articulate my point!!

You don't need to be 'assertive' if you don't have the energy for it (it can feel like it takes quite a lot when you're at the end of your coping tether).....just smile and say "I'd rather not discuss that, it's very personal". If you say it with a casual tone and a smile then it won't come across as confrontational and hopefully once you've said it a few times, people will realise it's not a topic for discussion and hopefully stop asking.

Perhaps practice in front of a mirror, or with your family and friends (tell them that's what's your doing of course)

Or like bulbasaur says, file a complaint or get your boss to have a quiet word with these wankers!

I don't know the details, but a friend of mine had two babies after chemo for breast cancer, so there must be a way. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this insensitive crap while you are going through such a hard time .

Thanks hooby, its my fault, i wasnt clear in my op. i think i will contact mcmillan tomorrow.

Thanks Nanc- they are very much adult!! Ha

Kate,
In sure this post will cross post with lots of others as it seems your story has connected with lots of people in different ways so hopefully you will find some comfort in all the suggestions & advice.
I can only contribute one more post & then I must go to sleep!
What your later post made me think was to wonder whether you have had time to grieve for what you have lost & may lose as a result of this cancer or whether you are trying hard to be strong for those around you. I made that mistake & only learnt it was ok to show my fear & vulnerability after I'd struggled with it alone for a long time.
I strongly believe we don't hear enough of survivors' stories & I know I for one deliberately don't tell those people ive met since i recovered about my experiences but i sometimes wish I could. Lots & lots of people survive cancer & there's no reason why you shouldn't too! Of course there are no guarantees but I can remember a moment of clarity when I thought if I do end up dying i'll have wasted my last x months/years worrying about dying instead of getting on with living. That thought helped me to put a bit of distance between my fear & my everyday life & the gap has got bigger with every day that takes me further from my cancer. I found Lance Armstrongs book ' it's not about the bike' really helpful. He may be a terrible cheat but his work with the Livestrong organisation has been phenomenal & it's well worth looking up. Ultimately the difference between a cancer survivor & a terrified cancer patient is the passage of time & time will carry you through these awful days & lonely nights. As winston Churchill said "when you are going through hell the trick is to keep going" Having too experienced a reoccurrence I know how much that can set you back but you can recover from this one too, it's just bloody hard work, bloody tiring & bloody unfair! Good luck!