To feel scared about going on maternity leave?

[BumpNGrind]

I'm late into my first pregnancy. If I leave it much longer I am very likely to give birth at my desk. The only problem is I'm terrified about going on maternity leave and all that entails.

Our baby was planned and will be loved but I'm scared I won't be a good mum or that I'll get bored. My work gives me constant validation and praise whereas I already feel (from the attitudes of others) that nothing I do will be right. I'm worried that I won't cope with the lack of sleep or that I'll not be able to work out what my baby wants or needs.

I spoke to my DH about him taking longer paternity leave as I'm the main breadwinner but I couldn't go through with it in the end. A few months ago I was just purely excited about our baby, now I'm mainly terrified.

Please help me? All of my mum friends seemed to be desperate to finish at this point, why am I so reluctant?

"work gives me constant validation and praise whereas I already feel (from the attitudes of others) that nothing I do will be right."

Not sure if I'm reading into this too much, but does this mean you feel family/friends will be undermining/unsupportive? Normal to be scared shitless at the prospect of being responsible for tiny person (I dealt with it through denial mostly ) but you don't need anyone dragging you down. If this is the case, can you try to avoid the problematic people & find more supportive peer group at baby groups etc?

It is scary going on maternity leave. Even when you know you'll be going back in the not too distant future, it feels like stepping into the abyss. I finished four weeks before my due date as I wanted to separate my feelings about finishing work from the baby's birth. I felt like crying on the first day of leave, like I didn't know what I was about to face, but I went shopping, had a nice lunch and by day 2 I felt ok and by day 3 I felt relaxed. The reality of facing the unknowns of birth and a newborn and what your life will be like after is scary when you are about to go through it all. Its normal to feel a little trepidation. Just remember, staying at work until you're in labour won't stop the changes from happening! Someone at my work went into labour in the office. She never lived it down!

Just relax and revisit this once the baby is a month old. I'm not a baby person but somehow I just saw the wee one and went from there. It's quite hard to be a bad mum, their initial needs are very simple.

You might be bored though and its worth thinking what adult company you could muster and getting some good books in.

Can you use a few weeks AL before the baby is born, so it feels more like a holiday than ML.

I'm sure you will be fine just follow the 5 b's 1) bum 2) bottle/breast 3) burp 4) bonding 5) breaks

Please enjoy your leave as best you can and don't let yourself feel uneasy about it. Before you know it your baby will be 6 months old (I have a 3 year old daughter and 5 month old twins, and upon their arrival had to give up my own business as a self employed one man band as can't afford childcare for all 3) so I understand. However it sounds like you can have a year out then return to your job so make the most of it. I was worried about my lack of maternal instinct but its so true, it will kick in! Try and make the most of it, babyhood goes soooo quick (may not seem that way for first 6 weeks!!) X

First off, this is totally normal and try not to worry.

What do you mean by you couldn't go through with it -- you mean, having DH take more paternity leave? Why not? It sounds like a great idea if you're the main breadwinner and really enjoy your work.

One of the most important things to remind yourself is that there is no one right way to do everything -- you need to do what's best for your family. In other countries women only take a couple months maternity leave, there's no reason you have to take a long ML just because many British women do.

Congratulations! You're about to meet, and fall in love with, someone who will always be there for you and love you back. How cool is that? In comparison to that nothing else matters. Try not to have any particular expectations and go with the flow. Sure all the books will make you feel like you're doing everything wrong and everyone you meet will suddenly become an expert on babycare and feel entitled to cross-examine you on what exactly you're doing. Assume that everyone around you is talking nonsense. Nod, smile, and tell them your baby sleeps through the night if that's what you need to say to make them shh. Forget about housework. The best mums have messy houses.

But looking after a baby is not actually that complicated. Feed it when it's hungry, clean it when it's dirty, cuddle it as much as you can the rest of the time. Sometimes it will cry. Check it's not hungry/dirty/hot/cold/uncomfortable, then if you've done everything you can, just hold it and accept that sometimes it will cry and you've done everything that can be done. You'll have some amazing fun that'll make up for the low points. There is an amazing amount of support out there if you're unsure about anything - ask your health visitor or midwife.

Yes the sleep deprivation can be tough. Some babies sleep through the night at a few weeks old, some (mine) wake up every hour for over a year. You get what you get. Just do whatever you need to function, whether that's sleeping with the baby, getting friend/sitter round to hold baby while you nap, or whatever. Oh and remember that if you're breastfeeding, any caffeine you drink goes to the baby too! Do not eat curry in the early weeks of breastfeeding as baby will not be happy.

I didn't get bored but I did read a lot of books on kindle while breastfeeding. What interests you that you've never had time to google? What tv series haven't you seen in forever?

Have a wonderful time with your new baby.

Thank you all so much, after numerous weeks of advice from every direction on everything from boobs to weaning, it's really lovely to hear advice on something I actually want to hear the answer to. I feel like if I admit that I'm really nervous about my life changing then I'll be judged and deemed a bad mother from the offset. It's actually lovely to hear that I'm having a normal reaction.

I'm worried about missing cues from the baby and leaving my baby uncomfortable or frustrated by not having his/her needs met properly. In work I know my job and I know I can do it well but this is the complete unknown to me, and I could be totally useless. I'm also worried that my DH will be amazing and I'll be useless (how selfish is that!) because I know I'd feel inadequate or even worse, jealous.

Dreaming, We didn't go through with the paternity leave in the end because there is already a bond there with the baby and I feel a bit like a lioness in wanting to protect my child, but at the same time scared that I won't do it right. Do I even make sense? I suppose I'm just hoping that when the baby is here all my fears will seem like nothing and will be replaced by love, tiredness and an inability to care.

Tiggytape, you are right about my pregnancy and I've been really lucky, but lots of people seem in such a hurry to tell me that my labour is bound to be extra horrific because my pregnancy has been smooth. This is playing on my mind too. I almost feel like leaving work means I actually have to have the baby and forget that it's going to happy anyway. Hopefully not like skitters colleague though.

Boiing, what lovely advice you've given me, you honestly all sound like super mums!

Totally normal! This has nothing to do with maternity leave, it's that it's the moment before the biggest change in your life, it's unknown territory.

All mums to be feel some level of this. I'm sure you have read the books, googled everything, but so much of parenting is instinctive as well. And if you feel stuck at any stage, just ask! Whether it be a supportive friend, family member, health visitor or mumsnet. Nobody is expecting you to be perfect, don't out that pressure on yourself.

As for validation, it comes in tiny magic moments, not quantifiable on paper.. Little smiles, successful feeding, eye contact, then all the milestones that follow. It might not sound much compared to corporate success but it will satisfy you from the core out with a warmth you didn't know was possible.

Your work will be there to pick up afterwards. Take some deep breaths, surround yourself with positive people, and try enjoy this time. Best of luck.

I cross posted with you, last piece of advice.. Do not let ANYONE talk to you about labour. I hate when women do that. And there's every chance it will be fine.

You sound like me 2 yrs ago. I was told 'I can't believe that YOU are having a baby, the least maternal person in the world!'

I had an 'oh fuck' moment staring at the moses basket the night before my c section. DH had had tons more experience with kids than me. He still had the 'oh fuck' moment though.

I dealt with DS like he was an alien lifeform for several months but I'm not sure whether that was downnto the fact that too many people tried to help, which made me think 'oh balls, they still don't think I'm up to it!'

It turns out they were just being lovely people. DS and I are thick as thieves now.

Ironically, one of my helpers had her own 'oh fuck' moment this week and rang me to ask what the fuck type of bedding goes in a moses basket.

Me and the helper are actually super-amazing brainiac workaholics (exaggerating the brains) but I did ok in interpreting the non-verbal stages and you will too.

Also, I was with some new mums the other day, as in mums to babies of less than six months and they were talking about all sorts of baby routine shizzle I hadn't even thought about. A friend of mine was doing the 'oh fuck' face and I had to admit to her that I did not have a jeffing clue what they were on about, despite now being one lady owner of an angry toddler.

Thing is with tiny baby cues, is that actually you will miss a lot of them to start with and it won't matter a huge deal because there are only a few things they want at that age (food, nappy change, sleep, wind, cuddles) and if you go through them all eventually one will work.

BumpNGrind I am so sorry you feel like this.

Please do try not to worry. As someone said, you will fall in love with your baby, maybe not instantly, not everyone does, but very soon. It is really wonderful.

Try and do a few things to help you.....

1. When baby comes sleep when baby sleeps. You will get nice rest and feel able to handle things better.

2. Make some new mummy friends through local groups, NCT, baby swimming (can't remember when they can start going, it might be 4 or 6 months or earlier, do check), baby singing or mummy and baby, toddlers etc. You don't need a toddler to go to a toddler group, they are usually very cheap and easy to access.

3. Read this poem

manysparrows.me/im-rocking-my-baby-babies-dont-keep/

It is lovely and contains the lines...

For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.

So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.

I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

4. And try not to worry (any more), the fact you are worrying shows you are in tune with your baby, you want to do the right thing, you care. To be honest baby cues can be quite obvious at times (smells, noises etc!), this will be a change and you may need to learn to some degree to praise yourself for a job well done, to validate yourself as you see your little one growing and thriving etc.

And I must say number 2 again!! Please do join other mums and make new friends who will understand what you are going through, joys and sorrows etc. They will help you feel you are on the right track, they will be a support (only hang around with those who make you feel good about your parenting and your life, there will be discussions and advice etc but if you get in with any really competitive mums who make you feel sad, then try and see out the nicer bunch, they are there).

You are not alone and I am sure there us no evidence at all that an easy pregnancy = a difficult birth! I had a horrid pregnancy and birth but I love my little one to bits, even though she is a big 10 year old now. It really is a love affair, but be nice to you along the way, keep communicating with your dh and enjoy it. Bless you.

I'm not a very maternal person. You will still not find me doing craft, planning activities or declare I live being a mum/being a mum is the hardest job on Facebook. I'm fact I don't even enjoy matermity leave. I felt bored and unsatisfied. I find work stimulating and rewarding. Remember it is ok to like. It doesn't make you a bad mum.

Also what you feel about being scared is normal. It is going to be a huge change for you. But start leave when you think you are too tired to work. You can keep busy at home reading around professionally? Or maybe any personal projects you want to do but haven't got around to?

You will know what to do with a newborn. Not because you are a natural but because there is google and mumsnet nowadays 24/7! NHS has pages on everything how on to look after your baby. I don't know how people cope before the internet, honestly. And the health visitors and midwives will make sure you know what to do before discharging you. I didn't even know how to change a nappy or wipe a bum first time round. I buzz a midwife in the postnatal ward for help! And advice from the older generation is often out of date and differs from the current NHS guidelines.

Good luck.

Oh I mean keep busy before baby is born. You will be busy enough looking after newborn!

I treated my baby crying like a computer problem and did "trouble shooting" every time she cried.

You eventually get the hang of it. Apparently their cries are suppose to sound different, but I still can't hear much of a difference unless she's hungry.

Everyone else is right, it will all be fine but it is natural to have some anxieties now. Once you have a baby it will all fall into place.

Don't worry about missing your baby's cues, he/she will let you know if they're uncomfortable/hungry etc by screaming. Screaming will not do them any harm, accept that sometimes they'll have to wait while you get a drink/go for a wee/wash your hands etc.

My job is incredibly important to me. I tried not to think too hard about how I'd feel when I had a baby because it's quite difficult to predict. You don't just get a generic baby, you get your baby who you love more than anyone. I went into work when my baby was a fortnight old and was relieved that I still felt I belonged there and will want to go back. I was fully prepared that my stab in the dark maternity leave plans might not suit me and I might have wanted to go back earlier/later - it's ok to change your mind.

DH was not at all paternal. He wanted a child, but not really a baby. He had no experience of babies/children before ours and found babies disgusting/annoying. He also coped poorly with any sleep deprivation. We're nearly a month in, and all is well. He absolutely adores our baby and that makes the shit bits tolerable. You do what you can as a couple to get through it.

Finally, you will have advice coming out of your ears. Don't argue with it, just nod and smile. I've been surprised that my midwives have been very inconsistent with each other. You can try different things and just do what seems to work best did you at that time.

Good luck!

No one knows what they're doing. Everyone is faking it. Welcome to the club.

Think of all the advice being given as people bringing it to a buffet and laying it on the table. Then you take from it what you fancy, what works for you and for your baby.

I'd make sure you've got a good baby book in the house before you give birth, just as a security blanket.

And trust me, your baby will give you all the validation you need. When they cry, you go over to their cot/basket/carrycot and they see you, smile, then just go straight back to sleep, you will wonder what you were worried about.