Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Big fall out with my dad and his DP, little brother 4, stuck in the middle if this mess!

25 replies

Symphonysuckz · 16/09/2014 16:03

I have posted before about this situation but have since name changed. This post could be lengthy but I will try to keep it as short and sweet as I can.

In a nutshell my mum and dad divorced 7 years ago (when I was 14 and other DB was 12) since then my dad has been a complete and utter depressive wreck.

He wished my mum dead and became very threatening with regards to his behaviour. He left his very well paid job in an attempt to go self employed with the divorce settlement (which was nearly £160000) which completely failed. He got a mortgage on a house in a very rough area and met his 'lovely' DP.

She was lovely at first and had a son who was about 22 at the time. I've never been a daddy's girl so there was no jealousy on my part anyway involved. I was pleased that he had found someone he seemed to be happy with. Unfortunately, it didn't last long.

She became pregnant with my DB and all of a sudden visits to see dad went from every other week to once a month and then nothing with a noticeably more hostile atmosphere every time we went to see him from both my dad and his DP.

One day he was driving us back home when he explained to us that he would have to meet us at our nans house as his DP didn't want us at his house and she didn't want to play mother to 'your two kids.' My DB was more accepting I kicked off and told her what I thought which lead to my grandparents, dad, cousins, aunties and uncles excommunicating me from the family. I didn't meet my DB until he was 2.

I was back on speaking terms with them until this last couple of months. It started when I learned that my da hadnt been 'laid off' from his job as he had stated he had actually left because his DP was ringing his at work saying that she couldn't cope with DB and the dogs on her own ( they breed dogs after moving to a small holding which they rent for £800 pcm they also have a horse, chickens and various other animals). His boss told him to take 2 weeks leave and decide after how many hours he wanted to do. My dad never got back in touch.

My brother went up to their house a couple of weeks ago to introduce his new GF to them. Now, my brother still lives at home with my mum and step dad and he's having a rough time with them for various reasons. Dad offered DB a room at their house as he said that he would appreciate the board and lodge of £250 PCM that he pays my mum and step dad. Dads DP wasnt happy about this in the slightest.
So, when DB had taken his new GF up to the house he asked dad and his DP if they thought they were a good couple. Dads DP butted in 'If I'm honest I thinks she's way out of your league and too good for you. I've got a son whose 26, he's good looking and plays the guitar he'd be perfect for you.' She was trying to take pictures of DBs GF to send to her son!! My DB had to put his ham over his GFs face to stop her. He then left and asked her to think about what she'd said. I think it was all part of her plan because she didn't want DB living there. My dad then rang DB up asking him to apologise to his DP!!!

She has never worked a day in her life. She sits in her PJs all day in her laptop whilst my little brother is sat watching telly all day every fucking day! He was meant to go to school at the beginning of this month but he hasn't because they are on a fiddle with dads house (he is 'renting' it out to her so they are getting £550 a month housing benefit) dads other house is 40 miles away so she can't send him to school over here unless they change address but that means that they don't have the money coming in. Dad isn't evn on his birth certificate! DB has his mums surname and not my dads!!

It was my DDs first birthday last month and they were invited. My mum knew that dad wouldn't go if she was there so she very selflessly told me that she wouldn't go to the party as she wanted to give my dad the opportunit to be there. He didn't even bother turning up! Said that his DP didn't want to go! They live 3 miles away and my DP saw them drive past our house in their car whilst the party was on!!

Their neighbour (who just happens to be my SIL) takes their bins down for them and said tht there were 10 empty bottles of gin in their bin!!

He rang me up asking me for money, he came round to our house sobbing because he can't stand his DP or his son and he hates them both. He said that she told him that she was sick of having no money and that he wa making her unhappy and depressed. He said that she is spending money like water and they are £40000 in debt but its all in his name! He also told me tht they don't have sex because he doesn't fancy her!!!

I flipped out at her an told her what I thought - she doesn't love my dad she jut uses him for the income and the fact that she can sit on her arse whilst he sorts the dogs, horses etc.
my dad rang me up after I'd tore strips off his DP and told me to have a bit of respect and that I'm getting ideas 'above my station'. I know it was childish but he kept ringing my landline and I kept answering it telling him I was busy, my DD was screaming in her buggy an in the en I picke up the phone an screamed t him to fuck off. I ha just had enough, I'm so worn down by all of the drama and the fact tht some members o my family still won't talk to me even though I've done nothing wrong.
My DB has never had any interaction with children his own age. He sits in front of the TV like a zombie!!! His speech is slow and he is difficult to handle at the best of times

I don't know what to do - worrie for my brother

OP posts:
comedycentral · 16/09/2014 16:10

Forget the rest, what about this child. Ring social services, he sounds neglected.

HighwayDragon · 16/09/2014 16:12

if he isn't going to school then report them to ss or the council

DoJo · 16/09/2014 16:12

Oh dear - it sounds like an awful situation, but I don't really think there is anything you can do. Your father is in a mess of his own making, and there isn't much anyone else can do to help him. Could you write him a letter telling him that you are sorry he is unhappy, and if you can help him to make a break, sort things out with his son(s) or offer support while he pursues a deb management plan or similar, then you would be happy to do so. It is probably worth saying up front that you cannot and will not give or lend him money as you don't want to prolong an unsustainable financial situation, because otherwise he will probably just keep asking you to bail him out and making things worse.
Do you want to repair your relationship with him? Are you in a position to offer to care for your brother occasionally to ensure that he has some time away from his difficult home-life? Are there any other practical measures that you think you could put in place? You can't force any of the parties in this situation to make better decisions, but if you want to help your dad out, I think a little tough love might be the only way.

Symphonysuckz · 16/09/2014 16:13

My DP said we should ring somebody but I don't know where I start and the likelihood is that they'll know its me whose shopped them

OP posts:
DoJo · 16/09/2014 16:13

*debt management plan - not sure who Deb is, but she's probably doing ok by herself Wink.

Symphonysuckz · 16/09/2014 16:14

Do you know what he has pushed me and pushed me so much that I feel nothing for him anymore. I don't love him! I can't bring myself to have any sympathy for anyone but that little boy

OP posts:
DoJo · 16/09/2014 16:15

Would it be the worst thing if they knew? It sounds like the relationship between you and them has broken down fairly significantly, so if you can at least help get some support for your brother, then that will take care of one of the most vulnerable people in this set-up.

Symphonysuckz · 16/09/2014 16:15

Haha I think he has contacted a deb management company which is a start I suppose

OP posts:
Symphonysuckz · 16/09/2014 16:16

Yes your right dojo. My DB is the priority in this mess

OP posts:
DoJo · 16/09/2014 16:27

Well, if your dad is already seeking appropriate help in one aspect of his life, then it sounds like the real problem is that he wants to leave his partner but isn't really ready to. You can't make him ready, but if the authorities start to take an interest in your brother's home life, might that galvanise him into action? Do you think he's committed enough to leave her if he thought that setting up on his own might enable him to provide a stable home-life for your brother? It sounds like that might be the best outcome for all concerned, and it might help you to regain some respect for him.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/09/2014 16:52

If you genuinely have concerns about this 4yo contact social services. For all you know they are already aware of problems and just need of more evidence in order to take action.

AdmitYouKnowImRight · 16/09/2014 17:36

since then my dad has been a complete and utter depressive wreck

I would be calling social services because your father needs help. He was quite obviously vulnerable when he met his new partner and has on going MH issues.

Im also just reading and re reading your last para about your little Bro. I am assuming he goes to HV meetings etc and the speech should be picked up upon? You could make a complaint but in reality, is watching TV a recognised form of neglect warranting SS intervention?

I got a step parent very late in life (nothing like yours) and I had to take a massive step back and bite my tongue. It is very difficult not to parent your own parent and treat them as a child. Reading the things you've said you are seriously over stepping your boundaries in their relationship. It is far easier to make a friend of someone than create an enemy.

On the other hand, your father is also completely inappropriate talking about his sex life (or lack) and his relationship with you.

It all sounds rather grim.

Take a step back. Keep your opinions to yourself. The messenger always gets shot.

magoria · 16/09/2014 17:38

Your dads a liar. You know this. He is also a benefits cheat. You cannot trust anything he says or does. He gets you cut off from members of your family.

He is an adult. He chose to leave his job and get thousands in debt. He choses to ball you out over this person he tells you he hates/ Cut him out of your life. He brings nothing positive to it.

Call the appropriate services and let them know your worries for your DB. Make sure you are doing it for him and not to spite her though.

I would also call the benefits agency if you are sure that they are fraudulently claiming and report them.

Symphonysuckz · 16/09/2014 17:47

I'm disappointed with them regarding the benefits fraud. I know that it is people like them wrongly taking money out of hard working people's pockets and food out of children's mouths.

The thing is my dad has involved me in a lot. It's my own fault but I'm not one to let things lie. I have to say something otherwise I am awful to be around. I can't bottle stuff up.

OP posts:
Username12345 · 16/09/2014 17:51

Call social services for your brothers sake

since then my dad has been a complete and utter depressive wreck.

Has he been diagnosed or is this coming from you?

he came round to our house sobbing
I flipped out at her an told her what I thought

Why did you flip out on her? You dad is an adult and needs to take responsibility.

hormonalandneedingcheese · 16/09/2014 20:08

Your dad sounds like he enjoys the drama otherwise he wouldn't tell you all this shit, encourage you to get wound up and then cause more shit stirring by demanding apologies. You need to let him deal with his own mistakes, cut him and ignore her completely. You can't help your DB this way at all, all that's happening is your dad gives you more grief and shit with his toxic relationship- and then bitches to you about it AND doesn't stand up for you at all.

FFS, not having his own kids around the house because his DP says so: what a weak and shameful man.

You need to call SS, then write an email documenting everything, then cut them off. Do not engae, do not get involved for your own families sake.

grannymcphee · 16/09/2014 20:41

Could you not take your little brother to your house and look after him? Seems like he has no home life with his parents. You would need to notify Social Services though!

grocklebox · 16/09/2014 20:51

most of it sounds like nothing to do with you. If you think the child is neglected,tell someone who can help. It sounds like all the adults in this story are feeding on drama and no-one is looking after this child.

Symphonysuckz · 17/09/2014 10:06

grocklebox are you trying to say that I am feeding off the drama??

Seriously, I have had 7 years of this shit (the above isn't even the half of it) which has nearly led me to breakdown!!
The only person I care about in this situation is my DB who is innocent in all of this - I don't want him to end up being as messed up as I am.

Before you come on here making your snide little remarks step off your high horse!!

OP posts:
FelineLou · 17/09/2014 11:09

You need to take a step back from all of this.
Try "Oh dear what are you going to do about that?"
instead of you getting involved and your father blaming you.
It is NOT your problem. He has brought this on himself and asking you for money after all that is monstrous. Dad's help their children not sponge off them.
Keep pointing the questions back at him.
It is HE who has to do something to improve his life and he cant just use you to rant at and upset.
Step back and keep calm. Your MH and your family at home must take priority.

sashh · 17/09/2014 11:29

the likelihood is that they'll know its me whose shopped them

So?

The most important thing here is that you know a child is being neglected.

When your brother is 18 will you be able to look him in the eye and tell him you did everything a big sister could?

Report them. It is not 'shopping' them it is looking out for a small child.

PiperIsOrange · 17/09/2014 11:36

I don't understand why you kicked off and told your dad's partner what you thought of her.

Get on the phone today and inform SS, because at this moment you are another adult letting a small 4 year old down.

HaroldsBishop · 17/09/2014 11:54

Sounds like your dad is being emotionally abused by DP.

First priority should be the child, as others have said give SS a call.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 17/09/2014 12:31

If you think phoning Social Services is somehow a step too far, try NSPCC instead, www.nspcc.org.uk tel. 0808 800 5000 to discuss concerns.

Symphonysuckz · 17/09/2014 16:58

I've rang SS. They said they wi look into the matter. A far as I'm aware he hasn't been to any pre school appointments with his HV so I thought that would've set the ball rolling a bit.

I just hope that they take appropriate action

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page