To uninvite in-laws for xmas?

[kkllww]

I know the title sounds mean, but basically my in-laws kind of invited themselves to us this xmas several months ago (my husband and I afterwards kind of chuckled about it, wondering how it had happened, but thought we'd just go ahead with it).

The thing is, we both would prefer to have my parents over this xmas - they're much easier to be around and the atmosphere will be a lot more laid back. I'll be 8mos pregnant at xmas with no 2 (I didn't know I was pregnant when we agreed to their visit) and one of the big things that puts me off the in-laws coming is the heavy drinking and me having to put up with raucous behaviour while probably feeling a bit crap and tired. I know xmas is a time for indulgence but they really do indulge big time!

We thought we'd tell them when they visit soon, and to soften the blow, would say we'd visit them next xmas (they live 200+ miles away). I know my husband is a bit worried about hurting their feelings, and I have underlined to him that if he's just going along to keep me happy, not to, and if he wants them over, I'll just suck it up. He says he definitely doesn't and i believe him - it's just awkward for him to have that conversation with them now.

The other thing is we had a rubbish xmas last year for various reasons, so I want a nice, chilled out one this year.

Guess I just wondered what people thought about this - does it sound unreasonable?

Whatever you do about this year, don't go making promises about travelling next year. It's over 200 miles with two small children and may not suit you by then. Breaking your promise two years in a row would be very hurtful. Promising to travel/have them come to you, could set a trend of travelling&having someone for Christmas every other year. Deal with one Christmas at the time and don't get put on the spot. Just say, it's ages away yet, we'll think about it closer to the time rather than committing to something and regretting it later

Why not say that actually you'd like to have Christmas Day just as a family and then visit them for a day or two on Boxing Day? You're in control of the length of the visit then and won't have to rush around being the hostess when you're heavily pregnant.

Plus they've then has their 'turn' and next year when you have your baby's first Christmas you can decide to have your parents or be on your own.

Can you not just limit the amount of alcohol on offer?

Thing is, you might not be 8m pg by then, you might have a new baby! you never know with these things, do you. And you really really don't want to have raucous house guests around if you have a new baby!

So I think it's fair enough to sack them off under the circs, but please do NOT invite your own family over, that would be so rude.

yes its hurtful, you cannot have one set of parents over and not his. It would be different if his parents were toxic and vile, than you have good reason to, but being a bit raucaus and merry at Christmas is not a good excuse. Either all or nothing.

It would be perfectly reasonable to uninvited them in favour of having a quiet day due to your pregnancy, but to invite your family instead is very unreasonable. It may cause bad feeling and or upset them.
Can't you just have a quiet day, you and your DP?

They invited themselves, you've not left it too late to raise the subject and keeping all the sets of parents happy is tricky but I agree that substituting your parents for FIL & Stepmother is potentially awkward.

Consoling them with a "But we'll travel to see you the next Christmas" isn't likely to be set in stone either so don't look too far ahead, just cut back on stress and you will do fine.

I would uninvite them, I think that isn't unreasonable. Honestly though, I'd suggest that you say, and stick to 'we're just having Christmas by ourselves'. You have a perfectly good reason to want a quiet, relaxing Christmas. Get it said now. I wouldn't invite anyone instead of them, that would be somewhat hurtful, and feelings can run very high around Christmas, in my opinion. Don't get into promises of next year either.

I think it's reasonable to uninvite them, on the grounds that you will be too tired etc. but very unreasonable to invite your parents, this could be very hurtful to them.

To avoid the potential to make anyone feel left out these days, we say both sets of parents are welcome Christmas day, but we won't be offended if they decline. Everyone pitches in to help with cooking etc and it usually works out well. I know it's hard if not much space, but amazing how many people can be squeezed in with determination.

Whatever you do, DO NOT promise to visit the world and it's aunt next year with two small children [assuming DC1 is not 8]

I'd get it out of the way personally. Two kids is a lot more hectic - you will not want to travel next year.

Plus what you are suggesting is rude and hurtful even if understandable.
Options

1. Get DH to say that as you are pregnant, would it be ok to invite yourselves to their place instead and see everyone 200+ miles away this Christmas. It also gives you the chance to stay in a hotel or move houses to a quieter spot after Christmas Day. Make it very clear that your first Christmas with 2 DC will be a quiet "nuclear family only" Christmas or that you will be spending it at your parents house [you can always change this later citing the hassle factor of packing up small kids, Santa etc]
2. Cancel them, see no-one
3. Ask if they wouldn't mind arriving Christmas Eve, leaving on Boxing Day or whatever, so you get a few days of peace and quiet before going back to work
4. Invite your folks too space permitting. All the other step parents will expect their invite next yr though possibly?

Either way, I'd get your DH to start drip feeding with you may need to cancel if you are on your knees, or telling them that you are usually in bed by 8pm. If they get a better offer, they may take it

There are benefits. If you are shattered - it might be nice for your DH to have some company in the evening so you can slope off to bed. Provided he gets up in the morning and does his fair share with DC1 though.

"kk won't be drinking, as she is pregnant, so we won't be having any alcohol in this house this Christmas. You're still very welcome to come, but it's going to be apple juice".

That way they either don't come, or do come and aren't drunk, or do come, insist on bringing booze, and you can sling them out. Any of those is a result.

Good advice from those who pointed out we shouldn't make rash promises for next year - that makes sense!
They are 'preppers' in the sense that they come armed with the kitchen sink and always bring enough alcohol to fill a pub (every visit). We could tell them 'no booze' - would love to see the reaction to that one...but will probably go down the 'quiet day for just us three' route.
Thanks all, much appreciated.

Yes, I think you can uninvite them because of being pregnant. And offer to visit next year. Then just don't say anything about your parents coming.

Well - at least you don't have to fund the alcohol intake I guess

Will they be helpful or expect to be waited on? I could forgive boozy noisy inlaws if they were bringing my heavily pregnant bones breakfast in bed, walking the dog and entertaining excited DC up at 5am on Christmas Day.

I think your only options are to stick with the plan or uninvited both sets of parents.

AT 8 months pregnant it's perfectly fair to do the latter

Haven't RTFT, sorry. But if I were you, I would say that at 8m pg I would rather not host Christmas and you are going to your parents place. That way your plans have changed because of the baby, not because you are inviting someone in their place.

I agree that it would be rude to uninvite.

That said, it's rude to invite yourself!

Putting them off might be OK depending on what was said.

But putting off for others, not OK imo.

As for travelling next year-just don't!

I agree that if you don't want to host a big Xmas at 8 months pg that's totally fine. But to ditch in laws in favour of parents is bad form.

You have offered an invitation and you cannot rescind it, and as for asking your parents instead; have you no manners?

To uninvite your in-laws but still have your parents on the day is an awful thing to do.

Why would any son be willing to go along with it?

Its shocking.