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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my 11 yo to take responsibility for himself?

30 replies

abstractLucas · 15/09/2014 20:29

The form and deposit for his scout holiday has been in the middle of the kitchen table since he gave us it last Monday. He sits at the table every meal, does homework there etc etc, and we told him it was his responsibility to take the form and the cash to Scouts to hand in, otherwise (rare threat from DH) " you won't go ".
The bugger's gone and left it here.
His birthday is March, so it's not like he's 'just' eleven, and he had the envelope in his hand an hour before he left, but put it back on the table instead of sticking it in his pocket. But I want him to go on the stupid camp - it's not til the summer but a few nights away would be fun for him (PGL) as well as the rest of us (me, DH, 12yo bro and 10yo sister).
Was this expecting too much of him, to remember to take it? Did your offspring take responsibility for this sort of thing at that age?
Arghhhh!
Someone tell me what to do!

OP posts:
BeeBawBabbity · 15/09/2014 20:33

Tbh my 11 (almost 12) year old would also be unlikely to remember without reminding. But she is a bit scatterbrained.

MrsWinnibago · 15/09/2014 20:35

Well I know that my 10 year old DD would need to have it put in her hand before she left. Most kids of this age would tbh. What's hard about that?

Ragwort · 15/09/2014 20:39

But I want him to go on the stupid camp - not sure this is what you want me to say but referring to a Scout camp, which is organised and led by volunteers (even if the actual camp is run by PGL) is a bit harsh speaking as an ex scout leader.

I have a 13 year old and have to constantly remind him about paperwork, forms etc.

MrsWinnibago · 15/09/2014 20:40

She didn't mean is was really STUPID she meant the situation I am sure.

MeMyselfAnd1 · 15/09/2014 20:41

DS is always forgetting things but:

  • HE doesn't forget his keys since he was locked out after school.
  • He is careful with his bus pass since he knows that if he loses it, he pays the next one out of his savings.
  • He doesn't forget to take forms back because he knows I won't be able to sort the problem in the eleventh hour.

My advice? help your son by supporting him in what you can BUT let him make his own mistakes from time to time and suffer the consequences of his actions of lack of. Obviously, do it gradually.

They cannot learn about responsibility unless they are made accountable for their decisions/lack of care.

BarbarianMum · 15/09/2014 20:41

YANBU

Now he's forgotten it, get him to arrange to take it round to Scout leader's house/post it etc Or he doesn't go.

We are working on this with my 8 year old. His best friend's mum is a scatterbrain - never remembers kids' coats/instruments/book bags/forms etc I used to tut at her Blush but now am in awe of the result - her two kids are 9 and 8 and are amazing at getting themselves organised - whilst mine are totally dependent on me. A bit of benign neglect is a good thing!

LadySybilVimes · 15/09/2014 20:42

My 11yo (also march birthday) would probably not have remembered unless he put it in his pocket as soon as I gave it to him. I would definitely have had to remind him if it had been there a week.

Fabulous46 · 15/09/2014 20:42

My 13 year old nephew would need reminding. My sister and I are forever having to hand forms into school he forgets. My lot were the same at that age. It's no big deal.

AdmitYouKnowImRight · 15/09/2014 20:42

It is only in the Western world that you mollycoddle kids.

90% of the world they are able to deal with life an subsequent shit.

usualsuspect333 · 15/09/2014 20:45

I forget stuff all the time and I'm a lot older than 11.

WooWooOwl · 15/09/2014 20:45

I still remind my 12 year old about stuff like this, but then I also still remind my DH, and sometimes he has to remind me of things as well. Teaching responsibility is important, but I wouldn't let my ds miss out on something that would be a fun learning experience for the sake of remembering to pick up a letter.

Explored · 15/09/2014 20:52

TBF, I'm quite capable of having something in my hand 10 mins before I leave and still leaving it behind.

Neither my 11yo or my 13yo would have remembered.

You're rightAdmit, that's because we have the luxury of being able to. It's not a life or death thing he needed to remember and DH shouldn't make threats without thinking it through

Original poster
abstractLucas · 15/09/2014 20:55

Sorry yes - 'stupid' was expression of frustration at situation, not camp itself. It's five nights with PGL, sounds fab. And having spent 8 yrs as brownie leader in years past, and currently school gov at three schools as well as two days a week as volunteer with a charity, well aware of importance of respecting those who chose to use their time in this way.

Having grown up in abusive family then in care, and with a DH who literally could not bake a potato when we got together as everything done for him at home, really struggling to determine what are reasonable for his age/stage. It's not that we can't hand it to him or remind him to pick it up, it's just that we won't always be there to do that for him, and been trying to gradually encourage him to prioritise things himself.

But sounds like a lot of others his age wouldn't be doing it themselves either.

OP posts:
MrsWinnibago · 15/09/2014 21:11

Lucas I think at 11 it's fine to say "Have you got your X...if not go and get it now." and watch whilst he does...it will come eventually. At this age he could maybe do some other things to take responsibility...such as sorting out and folding his own laundry, maybe doing the recycling...that kind of stuff on a regular basis.

AmysTiara · 15/09/2014 21:25

My ds is just 11 and is exactly the same

ithoughtofitfirst · 15/09/2014 21:30

I am this forgetful Blush

Maybe if my parents had followed through on threats i'd have learned. And i mean maybe ... as in i don't know.

Flossiex2 · 15/09/2014 21:34

His head is just full of other stuff. Give him a break!

SanityClause · 15/09/2014 21:37

I've done this sort of thing, as an adult.

I tend to try to cut my DC some slack, and will run around making sure they have the items they need (homework, PE kit, etc). It helps that I am self employed and work from home.

I know self sufficiency is important, but so is the knowledge that your parents have your back.

MrsCurrent · 15/09/2014 21:53

Both DS and myself are this forgetful, he is diagnosed as having a reason for this, perhaps I'm similar, I'll never know. I have learned to deal with it by sticking notes in prominent places, setting reminders on my phone, still carrying a physical diary plus a permanent blue mark on my hand where I'm constantly writing stuff! I am trying to teach DS to make his own systems to remember as he will not do simply that. Perhaps when you give him something you could suggest he sets a reminder on a phone/iPod or leaves a note with his scout uniform/school stuff/whatever it relates to till this becomes habit. We're not all the same, age is irrelevant for some things.

ILovePud · 15/09/2014 21:56

I think lots of 11 year olds would need prompting, however you made the consequences clear and I think you'd be sending the wrong message to just sort it out for him. I would wait for him to come home and realise what he's done and then support him to problem solve the solution for example asking for the address, getting an envelope and stamp, writing a covering note and posting it. It could be a really useful learning experience for him and the inconvenience may help him remember for next time.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 15/09/2014 22:46

The only thing my 12 yo remembers unassisted is her iPod...

I like ILovePud's suggestion. Inconvenience and consequences really do teach lessons.

ShoeWhore · 15/09/2014 22:51

Has he just started secondary school? If so I'd be tempted to cut him some slack and support him to put this right.

cece · 15/09/2014 22:58

My nearly 11 year old went to school with no shoes on a few weeks before the summer holidays. So yes he would need reminding about an envelope.

defineme · 15/09/2014 23:07

I forget stuff and I am 40. We all remind each other in this house. I have twins- one refers to the calendar and timetables, the other doesn't know what day of the week it is, so I think it is personality too.

Original poster
abstractLucas · 15/09/2014 23:10

Yes - just started secondary. If it was a new thing I'd put it down to all the stuff that he has going on, but this is something he has already struggled with - he just exclaims 'but I forgot!'
We've talked through the need to establish systems of organisation for himself before today - we've asked him to write things on the family calendar (eg days at school he needs pe kit, where scouts is meeting etc) but it just doesn't happen. My inclination for now is to sit down with him after school tomorrow and encourage him to come up with a solution - hopefully one along the lines of ilovepud's thinking. And maybe the deposit coming out of his money instead of ours might help it sink in a bit too.

Thanks guys.

OP posts: