AIBU to feel like a failure?

[dancingwithmyselfandthecat]

I am the least successful person in my entire circle of family and friends. My business failed earlier this year, and I am now temping - doing boring work at a level I went passed years ago, working for a company I don't respect and on an hourly rate which is a joke. The only reason I am keeping at it at all is because a) I will go insane if I stay at home any longer b) It's easier to get a job when you are in a job and c) I would find it humiliating if, in addition to paying the mortgage and the bills, DH was having to subsidise my very existence.

On top of this, I am childless. I never imagined entering my thirties childless. Certainly not when I have been with DH for more than ten years. (Recurrent miscarriages and stillbirth - given that I am still young, I decided to take a break before trying anymore, because my mental health was at breaking point.)

Every single person I know is more successful personally or professionally. People talk about the courage I showed in setting up my business - well that courage feels very fucking bitter now.

The joke is, that I always had "promise". I was the academically most able of my siblings and the hardest working. I have a double first from Oxford. A school friend of mine said a couple of days ago "we all thought you are going to be prime minister."

Even if I get a better job, I am a long way "behind" all my peers. And the bit which really really stings is that I will be a long way behind DH as well. Part of the reason I feel so uncertain about trying again for a baby is that I don't feel I can be an equal partner domestically when professionally we are so unequal. I feel the inequality already - his say in the big decisions eg houses, cars, holiday is more important than mine because it's his money. Of course, we are a good modern couple and nobody says anything. But the dynamic is totally different.

I get that this sounds very shallow and money orientated. Believe me, I'm really not. I don't need to live like a hedge fund manager. There's just this enormous gap between the person I should have been and the way my life has turned out.

Why does it matter if you're not as successful as everyone else? I think you need to figure that one out, cause so far as I can see success isn't important in finding happiness. I'm not a successful person so far but I am happy.

I can understand it getting you down though, just try and shrug it off and find something that you do achieve at - something that will make YOU happy. It won't matter if you're not as successful as everyone else that way.

In regards to your dh, have you talked to him about this? If you don't talk things will never change. If you've talked and he continues this way tell him that you won't accept it, you're as much his equal even if you've not got the same financial income as him. A relationship is about being equal, not about one person being disregarded just because they don't earn as much. If he can't accept that you're better off without him.

And about the miscarriages and being unsure about trying again, I'm very sorry you've had such a hard time, I know how painful it is I would suggest not trying again until you feel happy and ready, and I really wish you all the best and hope everything works out for you

Dancing ,
Couldn't ignore this post as you sound sooo down.
Yes you shouldn't compare how your daily life is to others , success isn't all about earning money, having a job . But you know this already as you are very clever.

I think you are feeling a bit depressed about your business and the cards you have been dealt. You have got a job , good on you , far better to go out and do something, anything than sit at home and feel further down.

I often think to hat a sign of success and real character is how one deals with adversity in life , it's so easy to be a success when. Everything goes well isn't it .
Have a hug and a shoulder punch, consider seeing a professional careers adviser,
you have such a lot going on ATM, physically and mentally , work and home I think you need to cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself

I totally and utterly understand and sympathise.
I too am Oxbridge educated, qualified in a prestigious field, and yet due to many different circumstances, find that I have hugely underachieved. Some days I feel like a total failure. I turn on the tv and see my Oxbridge contemporaries getting Oscars and presenting major tv shows... and I'm struggling in many many ways.

It shouldn't matter. But it does, to me. And a lot of the time I am unhappy. I am not saying I want their lives, but I did think life would be more comfortable now (not just financially) and instead I am finding everything a huge effort.

I don't want to say too much more on the boards but if you want to pm I am more than happy to chat. You are really not alone!

Why does it matter?

Well, there's the obvious pop psychology argument that it matters because I'm a competitive person and I've always invested alot in outward markers of achievement and value. I've done CBT, got the T-Shirt on that. I'm working on this sort of thing not mattering to me.

Then there's the fact that it is just plain galling to listen to other people's "Soooo stressful at work, I had to make this realllllly important decision" type stuff when my current work is mind-numbing and pointless. I thrive on adrenalin, and intellectual stimulation so not having that is a big deal to me.

cashi it's good to know I'm not alone! I might well PM you.

You can still be prime minister, you have loads of time, you're only in your thirties. I'm not kidding! Do you have a career in mind that you want? Do you live somewhere that has those types of jobs?

And I'm the same, job wise (apart from DH's job pays shit too, so I can't give it up )

secret I live in London, I do know the career I want to be in. It's just not as simple as that. I get knocked back at interviews. I deal with awful, patronising recruitment agents.

I have a slight fantasy about leaving DH. I don't know if it's just the bitterness talking. But I'd have to move back in with my parents. And I can't bear that. I love DH and think he's a great guy. But we have been together since university, so I can't help comparing myself to him (it doesn't help that we work in v similar areas). And I can't help resenting him.

I try really hard to be positive, to look on the bright side in my own head, but the little things get me down. I got told off today for using the wrong shade of yellow on a fucking spreadsheet. I got feedback from a job interview which basically amounted to "we liked another candidate better." And then DH comes in and tells me that we should book our next holiday now so that I "have something to look forward to". I tell him that I don't want to think about holidays until work is sorted because the expense will get me down. And he says "Well I can afford it, so I don't think you should worry." Which sounds like a lovely, generous thing to say but I hear it as "silly little woman, don't you worry your pretty little head about money."

I have some sympathy with you but don't you realise that you've probably been through the worst experience possible. There is no greater pain in life than loosing a child. What you are experiencing is pure gut wrenching grief and that takes up a lot of energy! I would say you need a sabbatical where you go and experience life, go do some voluntary work try different things. Give your brain time to regroup and deal with your grief.

I could have written your post.

You are not alone.

Yup i could have written the same post. I lost out on a business as partners screwed me over after a merger.... then lost in a new venture not working out. Had to take up a job where they let me go after a year and now have a child diagnosed with downs!!