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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit annoyed- inlaws

19 replies

Disconeversucked · 15/09/2014 13:10

I'm putting this here as I need to get it out.
I know it's going to make me sound like a sad case but I want to gauge how others would feel in this situation even though I don't think if ever be able to bring it up in RL.
Always been civil with my inlaws we're not great mates or anything but its pleasant when we meet up usual once a month we see pil and every few months we see my dh sister and her family.
We used to see them a lot more but since we had dd nearly 2 year ago the visits are less as we don't get to go over as often basically.
This issue is this- my pil see sil and her 2 children weekly and often go on holiday or day trips which we and our dd don't get invited too.
Now to the part where I may be being over sensitive (and I know this sounds sad as anything but I can say it in RL!) but whenever sil put pics of her little ones up pil are liking and commenting on them all but with pics of dd from myself or Dh they get ignored by all his family? I thought maybe it didn't come up in their news feeds but a few times they've specially mentioned things that they would only know from seeing them iyswim.

It feels like they are closer to sil children Is this always the cases with daughters children vs son's children I don't know.
We all live about 10 mins away from each other.

OP posts:

Original poster

Disconeversucked · 15/09/2014 13:11

Sorry that was long

OP posts:

redskybynight · 15/09/2014 13:21

Well when they mention stuff you've posted on FB, do they mention it is an approving sort of way?

As long as they make a fuss of your DC in RL, I'm struggling to understand why it makes the blindest bit of difference whether or not they like their photos in FB or not ...?

And if you only live 10 minutes away, and you all get on well enough, why not see them more than once a month if you want your in-laws to be closer to your DD?

annielouisa · 15/09/2014 14:06

You say you used to see them a lot before you had your DD who cut down the visiting? Do they feel your are closer to your family and are not as bothered with them?

Original poster

Disconeversucked · 15/09/2014 14:17

We cut down the visiting not intentionally but we would always drive to them or organise meals etc but when dd arrived we just didn't have as much time initially and dh was working on a major project for work so we didn't have much time after the first few months went by- I expected they would visit us more during those early days but it didn't happen.
We are quite close to my family we see them at least once a week and my parents have babysat for us before too.

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Nanny0gg · 15/09/2014 14:20

Have you invited them over? What was the response?

redskybynight · 15/09/2014 14:20

So you have time to see your family once a week, but not time to see your in-laws more than once a month? Have you ever asked your in-laws to babysit?

goshhhhhh · 15/09/2014 14:24

I can see your point & to also look at from another perspective they could post on here saying - dil doesn't have much time for us - she sees her family a lot.....we see our own dd & dd's dc frequently....
I think it is really hard to get it right & we tend to notice what isn't working rather then focussing on creating what kind of relationship we want. If you want your dd to have a closer relationship with them you need to facilitate it. I suspect they don't want to tread on your toes.

LadyLuck10 · 15/09/2014 14:26

I think this is pretty normal in fact. My dm feels more comfortable to just pop in at any time as opposed to SIL who needs a confirmed time and date in advance, and by that feels more comfortable with my kids. She doesn't favour, but gets to spend more time and therefore more involved.
You still have your own parents who visit weekly and have the relationship you want.

LadyLuck10 · 15/09/2014 14:27

Also with the countless threads on here about dil who have issues with their pil I don't blame ils for wanting to keep a distance.

Original poster

Disconeversucked · 15/09/2014 14:28

My family tend to drop in -they pop over when can and dh on same sports team as my db so it's usually on e a week or so.
Yes we asked mil to babysit when the project was in the final stages dh asked if she was free could she help out at all but she was busy herself which is fair enough.
We haven't organised a meal in a while so maybe I will test the waters

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LadyLuck10 · 15/09/2014 14:30

Yes but you contacted her when you needed to babysit, contact her when you are on a family day out. Are you ok if they just drop by at any time?

Original poster

Disconeversucked · 15/09/2014 14:34

Honestly I'm not sure as they never have I think I would be ok (I'd worry if the house was tidy enough probably though!)
Good points though maybe. I should be more proactive thanks for the advice I needed to hear it

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annielouisa · 15/09/2014 15:14

I think this crossed wires really as maybe they saw the reduction in visiting as an indication you wanted some family settling in time and gave you that.

I think it is sometimes hard for in laws to know what is the right thing to do so they tread carefully. Did you ask them to visit you instead or just expect them to realise?

Test the water with a dinner invite or two and hopefully it will help a better relationship get established.

dancestomyowntune · 15/09/2014 15:19

I dont think you are being unreasonable. I have similar issues only about ten times worse with my inlaws. I started a thread about them yesterday but i just want them to treat the grandchildren more equally.

Nanny0gg · 15/09/2014 16:17

If the only visit you've offered was to babysit...

Maybe they don't feel you actually want to see them?

Original poster

Disconeversucked · 15/09/2014 16:35

Oh no we've invited them apart from that that must have sounded awful no that was a different time entirely. I think maybe the onus is on me as dil to make sure they see dd more often I hadn't thought of it that way until now if assumed they would just want to see her more but maybe they haven't felt welcome.

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Original poster

Disconeversucked · 15/09/2014 16:36

Dances I haven't read that thread I will read if shortly- that's what prompted this really just worried that dd is being treated the same as the other grandkids really :(

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Nanny0gg · 15/09/2014 16:39

It's worth a try Disco. I know some GPs feel they aren't as welcome when it's a DiL.

If they still reject your offers then you know where you stand.

WiseGuysHighRise · 15/09/2014 17:03

Like a pp said, I think this is crossed wires rather than anything malevolent.

You live 10 mins away but see PILs once a month & your parents weekly? Don't overthink it and just let them know they are welcome to drop in the same way your parents do and make an effort to see them maybe fortnightly?

After all, it stands to reason if they see other grandchildren more often, they'll build more of a relationship.

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