How do you KNOW you're happy? AIBU to wonder?

[CrazyTypeOfIndifference]

Seriously...how do you 100% KNOW you're happy in your relationship? Or what makes you unhappy enough to split...what's the tipping point?

My DB has just split with his DW of 15 years. They have 3 dc, they're both genuinely lovely people. They seemed very happy together, they really get on well and are always laughing, have a lovely house and so on.

Anyway, they announced a few weeks back that they're splitting. It's a joint decision, no big reason, they've just decided they'd rather be apart. DSIL has told me she still considers him her best friend, they just weren't happy as a couple anymore.

It's made me think about me and dh (in a scientific, objective kind of way). We have 4 dc, and have been married for 12 years. Are we happy? I don't know. We laugh, we talk, we share. My stomach doesn't flip when I see him anymore. We agree on most things, have no major arguments. Have a decent enough sex life. He annoys the crap out of me sometimes. I don't swell up with happiness when I see him particularly, but I'm content (complacent?) with our life.

I've never ever thought about whether we're 'happy' or not iyswim...I just do it, just get on with day-to-day life, and have never actually considered splitting as a possibility.

He's just DH...he's there, he's my family. I kind of feel like I could no more 'split' with DH than I could with my dc, or my parents. He's a fixture, our relationship isn't optional...does that make sense?

So, does that mean we're happy? Is this how a loving, secure, very happy relationship feels? The thing to aim for with a partner?

Or am I (we) just more easily-pleased than some, so complacent that we don't even realise there could be more?

I'm of the highly old fashioned opinion that marriage is for life, unless of course dreadful emotional, financial or physical abuse is taking place.

Children like security and safe boundaries around them. We are designed (I think) to live in couples and communities.

If it hasn't occurred to you before to question whether or not your marriage is a happy one, then you are doing just fine. It's natural for the Mills and Boon romance to fade a bit over the years, and be replaced by a more friendship based togetherness.

Dh and I do not have a perfect marriage, by any means, but it would take an awful lot to make me leave him.

I had this reading at my wedding, and honestly it I think it sounds like your marriage, which actually sounds quite nice, and if you haven't doubted it before I think you're doing fine:

Captain Corelli's Mandolin by Louis de Bernieres

Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your root was so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is.
Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.

But is love enough? Sometimes love alone won't ensure a couple remain dedicated to one another. Even respect and liking someone don't cut it.

That is beautiful loopylala, I've not heared it before. It actually brought tears to my eyes, thank you xx

loopy That's lovely and I think it answers the question perfectly.

As described by Bernieres, yep. Love describes what is enough to keep you together - when all the sparkle, flowers and brights lights are gone and all is laid bare, what is left is so entwined it cannot be separated.

Even after 30 years of knowing him I can't imagine not being with DH. I have said before that should that change tomorrow morning I couldn't be too vitriolic, we would have had 30 years of being happy - and that includes the not so happy times, the arguments, the lack of money, family crises, etc.

I'm glad you liked it :)

I cant explain it - you just do. Don't get me wrong my marriage isn't perfect, we fight and argue about big things and small things, throw things at eachother, flounce off in a huff, call each other names and can be deliberately fucking awful to eachother just to hurt the other one in an argument but the desire to make up is always there. I cannot ever picture myself with another man and no matter how many years (16) I have been shouting at the bastard to pick his dirty fucking socks and boxers off the bathroom floor (which he still doesn't do) I still love the bones of him.

I can honestly say I am still as in love with him and find him just as attractive today as I did back in highschool when we started together and even after 17 years - 12 of them married, two mortgages, 4 kids, 11 deployments, far too many animals, two career changes and many many injuries I still love him the same, maybe more, as I did back when I was 16 and about to marry him.

I get what you are saying about the 'not optional' relationship and the security of the relationship, like its the one solid constant in family life - you move house, change jobs, kids get older but you remain united, because we have this too but theres also a fire, sort of passion that burns when I look at him, sometimes its like a lust and sometimes its turn the fucking football off before I bash your frickin head in!!!