To wonder why some people seem to have the monopoly on having a hard time/being unwell?

[educatingcats]

As per the title really. I just feel that some people seem to get constant sympathy and support from others, whilst other people, like me, are never given any!

There were 6 of us in my NCT group when I had my DS. One member got PND, talked about it loads, and got endless support and sympathy from everyone else. I also had PND but it was barely acknowledged when I mentioned it.

A friend from another group of friends is always going on about health problems, and again gets endless sympathy and support. I have recently been unwell with something similar to something she has had recently and have had no support from my friends, no offers of help, and all I got really was a "you're lucky you haven't been as poorly as Sarah with it".

And lastly in a third group of friends, one friend is extremely needy and talks about herself and her problems all the time. It's become to the extent that she is the victim of the group, and everyone rallies around her all the time, even though her problems aren't huge, she just makes everything into a big deal. It's come to the point where no one else's problems get a look in, everything revolves around her, and I don't even bother trying to tell that particular group of friends about things going on in my life now, as no one takes any notice. The needy friend gets bouquets sent to her, constant offers of help, and everyone saying what a poor thing she is having had such a hard time.

I just sometimes feel a bit bitter and annoyed that some people seem to get so much support, whilst others get none.

The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Complain more if you want more sympathy.

Well if you don't talk up you won't get noticed.

Each time I try to talk up I either just get a "what a drag" type comment, or no acknowledgement at all.

Do you go on about it as much as them?

I bet you don't. I bet you mention it in a more casual, low key, less attention commanding way? Down play it a bit? and not in the same oh my life is so awful I can't cope everything is too much way.

Am I right?

If I am wrong, and you ask for support just like they do but your friends don't respond, then it's probably time to find new friends.

But if I am right, then you need to change the way you ask for support and say actually, I am struggling here and I need you.

xpost, yes, people who are not as attention seeking or dramatic can often get overlooked. You need to tell them that you need support.

Or find people who don't get off on the drama of the most attention seeking within the group but are actually adults who are mutually supportive.

ive noticed in real life and on here there is a competitive illness,it gets on my wick

im not saying that's you op but your post reminded me

i would change groups and friends if it's upsetting you,if they cant see your finding things difficult then they are not really friends

I get that. When a Mum at school found herself a single parent other Mum's rallied round - offered lifts, went round with meals, included her in evenings out and generally gave all round support.

When I was in a similar position (I asked DH to leave) I got nothing. Nada. Although still was the person other people would call and rely on.

I mentioned it to an unconnected friend and she said that I give off the vibe that everything's fine and I am coping admirably so people just don't ask.

So, having thought about it what my friend said is true. I am not good at asking for help mainly because I learnt from a young age that the only person I could rely on was myself. This has changed marginally over the years - I can fall back on my sister and DH. I know that part of it is my 'problem' but it still rankles.

You refer to then as being needy and all, but is it really all because they go on about it more that they get support and bouquets? It's a harsh thing, but friendships in groups aren't always equal. There can be complex reasons behind it, but sometimes people just like some more than others.

yes I recognise this. My SiL is like this but actually I feel sorry for her as now (she is the same age as me) all she has in her life is stories about her and her DCs illnesses which are always worse than anything I ever even conceived of...she is at the point where she cannot talk about the positive at all. at least in my life I can accentuate the good and furgedabowt all else. Even if she has to out do us all with competitive illnesses, it's a game that I would rather not play even at the risk of not getting support from others.

Sounds like a combo of being raised not to make a fuss, & of being a stoic capable person who just gets on with it - does that sound like you OP?

I went through a bad break up several years ago. Took me 2 years to get better from it (1 year longer than it took him) - I felt so guilty from being the one who ended it that I wouldn't let myself get better, so it became a self punishing spiral. I was in a bad way, but I never let on or broke down publicly, just quietly got on with things & didn't make fuss. Unsurprisingly noone twigged, & I got no help. Years later a friend suffers a similar break up, quits their job & goes off the rails - receives boundless support. I mention this to a mutual friend, & they were genuinely shocked about the state I'd been in - they'd had no idea, & why should they have? Even if I'd've been asked I'd've told them I was fine. Sucks but there you are. I think it's down to my upbringing - any emotional outbursts were received negatively/caused a parental meltdown, so I learned not to have them. I've kind of learned to ask for help since, but it's not easy - because I can manage without I feel like I should, even though it would be so much easier with help.

Sorry for the wall of text. Does any of that chime true for you OP?

Because they're needy, pathetic whingers basically.

Dignity and resilience will do you far better in the long term than a bouquet of garage flowers or a donated lasagne.

I get very bored of pissing contests about who is suffering most.
There are a lot of martyrs out there.

It dawned on me years ago that I was propping up a lot of needy types that ran a mile when the shit hit the fan for me (got cancer).

When people ask me how I am I tell them I am fine and never share too much info because there is only one thing worse that no attention and that is too much. Can't bear people (who deep down don't give a shite) faffing round with their head cocked to one side giving me the sad face.

The dynamics of friend groups can be very "interesting". Lots of vying for attention.

I've noticed that in some friendship groups, it's only the first person to complain that gets the sympathy.

Anyone else who pipes up with "Actually I've been diagnosed with depression as well" or whatever is sometimes treated as if they're jumping on the bandwagon or even making it up for attention!

Oh dear. Your groups of friends do sound unfair.

I hope I'm not one of those kinds of people - I've had a lot of ill-health over the past year but I think I listen to other people as well...

I think if you're generally the kind of person who is seen as a coper or someone who manages in general it can be hard for people to see you as fallible. It can scare them. So rather than confront the fact that the usually strong etc etc etc person is struggling they just brush over it.