To think that were are slowly moving away from the Victorian way of morning and dealing with death?

[HangingBasketCase]

Sorry if this upsets anyone, but having recently suffered a fairly close bereavement it's something that I've noticed. The wearing of black, the maudlin music and hyms played at funerals it's slowly disappearing. I often read the obituaries in my local paper and more and more of the notices announce that the funeral will be a "celebration of life" and ask mourners not to wear black. The more traditional funerals tend to be reserved for the elderly, which is rather odd considering you should be celebrating a long life that's been lived.

Recently a young woman nearby died fairly suddenly and her family asked for bright colours only to be worn at the funeral. She was placed in a wicker coffin and during the service her favourite music was played. Afterwards at the wake pink balloons were let off, one for each year of her life. It seemed like such a lovely way to remember her, despite her only having lived a short life.

AIBU to think that by the time I reach old age the old the old Victorian way of mourning and dealing death will have vanished?

Not only does it depend on how expected the death was, when it was is hugely important. In Irish, Jewish and Muslim funerals, the dead are buried very quickly and definitely within the week (within a couple of days being better). In such circumstances it is hard to imagine a celebration of life - it's way too recent and raw. A couple of weeks later and you're already starting to accept it though not like it.

it depends of the age and beliefs of the person who has died
I have been tona funerals of "old" people where , church service. all in black and hyms is the way to go.
I have been to a funeral where we have ending up clapping along to we will rock you.

one person who died was in his 80's and planned his funeral

the other was 16

i cried at both
people mourn in different ways.
fuck me
when a child dies I just want to cry

When my Mum died I wanted everything to stop ( didn't they realise she had died ? How could life go on as normal ? )

we had a proper church service , a eulogy read by a friend ( who had to be helped out of the church , the grief just took her )

And yes ,the service truly helped us in the grieving process , my Dad wore a black tie for about 6 months ,

We scattered her ashes on her birthday , a horrid wind and rain day , the ashes went everywhere and we all shrieked and sobbed and laughed

MIL had a lovely church funeral , full of lowers and a butterfly dancing in the air above her coffin . Quite beautifully a sign that she was free and out of pain

Burial . Hmmm . I can never again stand by a freshly dug holle in the ground and watch
I can't and won't do it

But IMHO black clothes , somber music , and then a get together with laughter and fond memories

Lowers = flowers

I can't imagine anything worse than waiting for weeks to bury/cremate a loved one. The sense of unreality must be v strong.

In some ways the Victorian ways of mourning - v public, mourning periods, dressing in black etc - allow people the space and time to grieve. Although I can see that it might have been constricting for some.

I understand Sugar and totally agree

Are ((())) allowed on MN these days? (((sugar))). Sorry for your loss.

I agree - people are uncomfortable around the recently bereaved. I don't know why - I've always thought it polite to acknowledge their loss, offer help if appropriate and otherwise just be kind. It's hard to know if people want to talk or want to be left alone so I guess others just don't want to offend or upset but perhaps the way they go about it is a little clumsy.

We had two wait four weeks when my grandfather died in 2012. It was horrible, like some limbo that you could get past. A funeral to me is an essential part of grieving, I cry at them all.

I'm bad at death, I suffer social aniexty after my grandfathers. And I can't think about my own, but I still cry know. And yes people don't understand

Absolutely Sugar. Everyone is supposed to be up and dealing with it when in reality a lot of people are mentally prostrating themselves on the coffin screaming "No".
Society doesn't want to hear that. They want you to look on the bright side. To celebrate. Don't embarrass us by weeping.
Anyway sugar and you mourn as much as you need to.

You didn't depress me Sugar . I really hadn't thought of the Victorian mourning period in that way, that it allowed people the time to grieve. People just tend to have the funeral and get on with it now, or try to anyway.

I think those who don't know how to react or are uncomfortable around the recently bereaved are probably slightly lacking in emotional intelligence rather then genuine insensitivity,

My mum has been telling me for years what she wants for her funeral. It's drummed into me, and she's not even 60 yet. Cremation, if I have her buried she's coming back to haunt me, Jerusalem and another uplifting hymn of our choice. She also doesn't want any pictures on the order of service or on top of the coffin because she find them tacky. No lillies, or floral arrangements spelling out "mum" or anything like fact because she hates them.

She sounds morbid but she's not really. She's just practical.

The 'Victorian' traditions of mourning are still really useful to many families. When you've been bereaved and can't think straight, having a familiar framework can really help immediately after the loss. You know, church (tick), wake (tick), organising the lift (tick), hymns (tick), knowing what everyone will be wearing, etc. to start removing parts or all of that can make it even more stressful to some, which is why I think it'll continue in some shape or form for a long time to come.

My DH and I discuss bits and pieces regarding his funeral when things come on TV or indeed tonight when I told him about this thread. He wants buried and I already know where the coffin will be placed in the house (N.I. So open casket) and where everyone will go after the funeral for tea/coffee alcohol All the pets will be brought in one at a time to say goodbye (6cats & 2 dogs) If he thought my dog sitting clients would go for it, he would like their pets brought too because he knows they will look for him later when they come back for day care/holidays. He loves country music and wants everyone to wear bright colours and cowboy hats to his funeral. The song "you can't take it with you when you go" will be played.

in reality a lot of people are mentally prostrating themselves on the coffin screaming "No".

Already seeing me trying to restrain myself from doing that. I feel like doing that to him when he's sleeping.

One of the most moving accounts I've ever heard was of a woman who lost her two sons in WWI. She was trying to find a way to adequately express her grief. She had them buried side by side and a statue of a angel weeping over their graves.

Her story still haunts me now.

I agree with TheCraicDealer and others about people taking comfort from formulaic rituals.
I feel very uncomfortable if asked not to wear black for a funeral. I think that is absolutely the very time to be sobbing and allowing the 'grief' to come out.
That's not to say that some lovely memories or even the odd humorous one can't be shared in the service, but I think the 'funeral tea' is more the place for celebrating life - the cremation / burial / Church service are a place to mourn, and I hope that doesn't get driven out.

I find that the funeral is too soon after the feather for me to be able to celebrate the life. I'm still at the inconsolable crying stage and would like that to be appropriate at a funeral.

I think it's sad that people have to hold themselves back from just letting rip, and letting it all out at a funeral. It'd probably be a lot more cleansing if they did.

Mum died almost 20 months ago. Burial (her known choice, couldn't face the risk of being burnt alive - although that would have been extremely impressive given the circumstances) was 31 days later due to need for post mortem, time of year (Christmas), and the vicar having a weeks holiday booked. We all (dad, myself and siblings) had a maximum of 5 days compassionate leave, although the others were subsequently signed off by their respective gps for another couple of weeks (I found it easier to work). 3 months later.my sister was told by her bosses she should be over it and back to the smiley person they had seen in the interview!!! Dad never actually went back to work but had very little support from any but his immediate line manager and colleagues. My brother and I were luckier, but then we both work within the NHS. So yes, mourning as it used to be has gone, but so has the compassion and understanding of how people feel post bereavement, and how long it can take to come to terms with the change(s) to your life.

I don't like people crying at funerals but that's probably just me being Scottish, what's wrong with being a bit dour for an hour, a funeral is a formal situation and not for displays of emotion.

Completely agree with sugarskully about mourning. We desperately need a symbol of some kind to let strangers know to deal with you well. My Mum actually had someone in the bank talk about her 'ex-husband' after Dad died. Thankfully she was able to put them right in a way that will hopefully ensure they'll never be so insensitive again. Because what if they had said that to someone older who would have been more upset or someone who had lost their husband suddenly and felt more raw than Mum did (Dad had a long illness so we were prepared for his death). If we still wore black ONLY for mourning that would never have happened.