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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that although it was well meant, this may not have been the best response to this situation?

28 replies

legolammb · 14/09/2014 17:29

Friend has posted on Facebook something along the lines of:

"Just seen a woman being grabbed violently by the arm by her boyfriend and dragged across crowded station whilst clearly upset. Hundreds of people were standing around doing nothing so I went up to them and asked the girl if she was ok and told her bf exactly what I thought of him"

Lots of responses from people saying well done, you did the right thing etc. AIBU to think that actually, intervening may not have been best? The girl is unlikely to tell a complete stranger she needed help, and it's likely that she's still going home with her OH who is now going to be even angrier and possibly lay into her for showing him up in public. It's not something I have any experience of at all. Any suggestions as to what an appropriate response would be?

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 14/09/2014 17:31

Imagine being that woman and thinking no one cared enough about you to even stop and ask. I'm not sure what the best "next step" would have been, but I do think intervening generally leads to a better society than one where we walk by on the other side.

myotherusernameiswittyandgreat · 14/09/2014 17:33

I think she was brave stopping and asking if she was OK. It probably wasn't the best idea to tell her OH what she thought of him. I know how my ex would have reacted to me when we got home Sad
Hopefully her showing the woman that someone was concerned will give her some strength to leave.

MrsHathaway · 14/09/2014 17:35

I think both. Yes she might have had more trouble at home but yes she'd have heard that at least one person thought it was wrong.

Ideally one person is brave enough to speak out, then other onlookers say "hear hear" or "that's right, leave her alone".

Timeforabiscuit · 14/09/2014 17:35

I think there is a responsibility to bear witness, to state that very clearly what you think is wrong, that you think this a matter for the police.

Going further to berate the person in question is a step to far, you don't know the full back story - and yes it can make the situation worse for the victim once they are in private with the abuser.

CombineBananaFister · 14/09/2014 17:35

I think getting a guard or security might have been a bit more helpful and less risky to the girl and your friend.

It's so hard isn't it? this is the kind of thing you read in the papers the next day when some good samaritan who intervened gets stoved in. Sad

There was a time when my natural instinct would have made me intervene but having been burnt a few times am ashamed to say I'd think twice these days.

OhMyActualDays · 14/09/2014 17:36

We had a similar situation yesterday. We witnessed an elderly gentleman pushing an elderly lady in a wheelchair. He stopped and started shouting at her, berating her for being stupid and annoying. She did not react. It went in for some time and my DH and my friend went to ask if everything was OK while I stayed with DD a little way away as she was quite scared. The man did stop and engage with them and told them his wife had Alzheimers and wouldn't stop bothering him when he was trying to work. But then he became very angry and threatening towards my DH and then stormed off pushing her very fast. I don't think we can possibly have done any good by stopping but neither could we have just walked by. I felt so sorry for them both but we were in a busy city centre and there was no way of knowing who they were. But at least he knew someone wanted to help.

Nomama · 14/09/2014 17:38

Having lept in and dragged a man off a woman whilst he was beating her face with both fists I can tell you how surprising reactions can be.

  1. DH was terrified
  2. Onlookers cheered like it was officially part of their night out
  3. Man looked at me like I had lost my mind
  4. Woman slapped me and told me to fuck off interfering
  5. Policeman told me I needed to restrain my 'Hero Mode' a bit
Veritata · 14/09/2014 17:38

I think she was right to ask the girl if she was OK, because the only alternative was to ignore things which would be hopeless. I agree that laying into the bf wasn't great - she knew nothing of the background or whether it was justifiable and, if it was, as you say it may simply have provoked him more.

I suppose it might have been worth involving the railway police, if they were around, on the basis that they might just have been able to track down the couple via CCTV - but it's a very slim chance.

ihatethecold · 14/09/2014 17:39

I would say well done to your friend.
To many people turn a blind eye to dom violence.
I wish someone had of stepped in when I was bring hit.

ihatethecold · 14/09/2014 17:39

Being not bring

Original poster
legolammb · 14/09/2014 17:39

Iggi - agree that it must be horrendous for the girl to think that no one cared enough to help.

Combine - I'd probably be most likely to follow your line of thinking and get someone 'official' to intervene - especially a busy station with security types everywhere

OP posts:
WrigleysBum · 14/09/2014 17:41

If he reacts to your friends intervention by taking it out on his partner then he is to blame, nobody else.

I doubt he's short of excuses.

CromerSutra · 14/09/2014 17:44

Crikey Nomama, you can't win can you? DW and I would most definitely intervene in that situation. What else can you possibly do to help?

FatewiththeLeadPiping · 14/09/2014 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Owllady · 14/09/2014 17:46

Nomama, that's just depressing isn't it? :(

gordyslovesheep · 14/09/2014 17:46

he now knows people will stand up to him

she now knows people will stand up for her

you did right

gordyslovesheep · 14/09/2014 17:47

or rather your friend did!

BalloonSlayer · 14/09/2014 17:47

When she hopefully leaves him < optimist > and cites his violence towards her he will probably say "Don't be stupid, everyone does things like that, you're too sensitive" and thanks to your friend, she will know that at least ONE person does not think she is stupid or too sensitive, and who thinks that behaviour is WRONG.

Owllady · 14/09/2014 17:48

As for the face book friend, can't you find something else yo get upset about?
She was just trying to do the right thing.

AdmitYouKnowImRight · 14/09/2014 17:48

I've intervened before and got a right mouthful from the female (who had just been slapped round the face by her male counterpart) - never again. But in fairness to the situation, they were both pissed as newts, screaming like fishwives in each other faces at 11.30pm on a Friday night at a mainline London railway station.

Optimist1 · 14/09/2014 17:56

Shocking, Nomama - in my opinion you did exactly the right thing.

Fate - yes, I remember seeing that footage. It's something to do with if there are a lot of people present, everyone thinks someone else will step in. If there are just a few, those individuals are more likely to take action.

In answer to your OP, lego, I think telling the man what she thought was a bit foolhardy, but certainly taking action - even if it was just a "Are you alright? Do you need help?" to the victim would have been the right thing to do. As others have said, it will at least bring it home to her that this behaviour is not acceptable.

Zacapa · 14/09/2014 18:02

My ex assaulted me in public multiple times. Good for people stepping in, they didn't for me, but what did she actually achieve? Five minutes until the crowd has gone off, then he's back slapping her again? If you think it's enough to call the police over, contact them, otherwise ask the security guards to intervene. As well as showing that you care and that what is happening is wrong, it actually might get things done. But stepping in is better than standing there gawping. Smile

MrsDeVere · 14/09/2014 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eminybob · 14/09/2014 18:10

I would have asked the woman if she was ok and offered help but I don't think having a go at the man will have achieved much.

I wouldn't have boasted about it all over Facebook. Hmm

Bulbasaur · 14/09/2014 18:11

I don't touch DV situations with a 10 foot pole. The women involved are very likely to turn and help their abuser out in a fight and then claim you started it. If they didn't want to be with their abusive partner, they'd have left.

I do however call the police, and I am happy to let my friends use my place as a safe haven. But until they are ready to get help and make a change, there's nothing you can do for them. They're too brainwashed or afraid to stand up to their partner.